


From the Ashes

by Gates_of_Ember



Series: Angels on Parade [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I promise it will be happy, I wouldn't actually kill him, Implied Sexual Content, Loss, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Naomi is the best mama, Nico is coming back I swear, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, The angst gets lighter as the story progresses, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Will has great friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-10-06 22:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 72,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10345464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gates_of_Ember/pseuds/Gates_of_Ember
Summary: Companion toRepair and Varnish.Will had been in love for years when he lost Nico to fire.Will had thought Nico would be his future.  He had thought Nico would be his forever.  The burning grip of death took that away from him, leaving Will nothing of his lover but ashes.  And what good can come from ashes?





	1. The Night Forgotten by Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is an impromptu companion to _Repair and Varnish_. It takes place mostly before the events of _Varnish,_ but it won't make much sense if you haven't read _Varnish_ first.  
>  As a warning, this fic is going to get very angsty. If you've read _Varnish_ , you know the basics of what's going to happen in this fic. You also know that it will have a happy ending. I promise the characters are going to end up happy, but there will be some serious heartache before it gets there.

It was early September when Nico died.

Reyna had held Will back until the flames died down, but Will eventually bolted out of her arms, racing to the ruins of the building that Nico had disappeared into.  The cold air pierced through Will’s hoodie and the smoke still rising up from the ashes made Will’s eyes water and his nose itch.  He could hear the crunch of Reyna’s footsteps as she ran after him, and when they reached the ruins, Will told her that they had to split up and find Nico.  It was sunset; they wouldn’t have daylight to search by for much longer, so they had to cover as much ground as possible.

Reyna was quiet, but nodded in agreement.

Will shouted Nico’s name, over and over again.  He didn’t hear Nico shout back, but that didn’t mean anything.  Nico could be knocked out.  Maybe Nico lost his voice.  Maybe Nico couldn’t hear him.  Maybe Nico had gotten trapped in the explosion....

His voice went hoarse from screaming, but still he heard no response.  He didn’t hear Reyna call for Nico.  All he could hear was the crunch of ruble under his feet and the rough croak of Nico’s name coming from his own mouth.  But Nico had to be there somewhere – unless he’d gotten out, of course.  He must’ve gotten out.  But Will had to be sure – maybe Nico was buried under some fallen rubble somewhere in the ruins.  Maybe he couldn’t hear them.  Maybe he was unable to call back.  Will had to keep searching, just in case....

Then, suddenly, he heard his name.   _“WILL!”_

His immediate thought was Nico, but he quickly recognized it as Reyna’s voice.  He bolted towards it anyway, navigating through the ashen mess of the destroyed building, until he finally found Reyna.  

“You found him?” Will croaked, stepping around a half-fallen wall to face her.

Reyna looked up at him, her face impassive, and said nothing.

“Where is he?” Will asked.  “Quickly, Reyna.  He needs me – he needs a doctor.”

“Will,” Reyna said softly, and then she offered him something that she held in her fist.  Will stepped forward and opened his hand.  Reyna dropped what she was holding into his palm.

It was small, round, and metallic.

Will swallowed.  He might have already known what Reyna had given him before he looked at his hand.  He may have known from the beginning that there was no hope of recovering Nico.

But when Will saw the tarnished silver skull shaped ring resting in the palm of his hand, he still fell to his knees.

He did not move until morning.

 

There wasn’t much left of the body.

Reyna and Will salvaged what they could.

The journey back to New Rome was silent.

 

*   *   *

  

The funeral was held a few days later.  Hazel, as a daughter of Pluto and as Nico’s closest relative, led the service.  Hazel did what she could.  The ceremony was kept quiet, as Nico would have preferred it.  It was an unusual funeral; there wasn’t much of a body left to anoint and put on display, as Greek tradition dictated, and in the end, it was decided that it was best to mimic the practice of cremation that had been common in Athens.  

When the pyre was lit, the light was too bright against the black night sky.  The flames seemed to lick the moisture from Will’s skin.  All Will could see was Nico running into the burning building.  All he could hear was the scream that Nico hadn’t even gotten the chance to give.

He broke down right there.  He responded to no one when they tried to comfort him.

When the flames finally died down, Will’s panic attack passed.  The urn was placed in a mausoleum in the cemetery outside the pomerium line.  Will and Hazel, as the deceased’s lover and sister, presented offerings, and Will knelt before the urn to sing.  He sang in a soft voice, barely audible to the others; his lament was for Nico and no one else.

 _Were I a hero who sang like sweet wine,_  
_I’d sail the Styx with your hand back in mine._

 _But if I know your soul – firm, clear, and bright;_  
_You’ll soon find fields of grass and sunlight._

 _That radiant land I won’t make you leave,_  
_So lie in the flowers and bask in the breeze,_

 _Bathe in the sun and rest on soft shores,_  
_And someday, my dear, I’ll find you once more._

After he’d finished, he sat quietly for several moments before finally standing and allowing Reyna to take his place.  The entire service felt wrong.  There was barely anything left of the body to anoint; all that Will had was Nico’s ashes.

(Well, his ashes and his ring.  Hazel told Will to keep it.  She, on the other hand, took Nico’s sword.  Will didn’t think that he deserved the ring, but he took it anyway.)

How ironic; Hades’ own son did not receive a proper burial.  Will wondered if Nico would even make it to the Underworld.  He wondered if Nico would be a lost soul forever.

 

There was a feast.

Will did not eat.

And then it was over.

 

*   *   *

 

“Look, Will, I’m not asking you to be happy,” Cecil said from the kitchen, where he was making something for Will to eat for dinner.  Will didn’t feel like eating, but he was too tired to fight against him.  “I just would like to see you get out a bit.  Staying cooped up inside all day...it’s not like you, Will.  I’m worried.  We all are.”

“I’m just tired, Cecil,” Will said softly.  “The last thing I need is to go to a party.”

“Nico would want you to get out.”

Will scoffed.  He hated it when people said that.   _Nico would want this.  Nico would be sad if you did that.  What would Nico say, Will?_ As if Will didn’t know.  As if anyone knew Nico better than Will.

“Nico hates parties,” he said, still unable to refer to his boyfriend in the past tense.

“Well, he’d know that sitting inside all day wasn’t good for you,” Cecil said.  “Come on, I won’t even make you talk to anyone.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well, maybe you need to,” Cecil said.  He walked to where Will was sitting on the sofa and passed him a plated sandwich.  “Here.  Eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Will, eat the fucking sandwich before I shove it down your throat.”

Will scowled and took a bite.  It was bland and stuck to his throat when he tried to swallow.

“You can just stay with Lou Ellen and I the whole time,” Cecil went on, taking a seat beside him.  “We don’t have to stay long.  We can just have a few drinks, then we’ll leave.”

Alcohol didn’t sound too terrible, Will had to admit.  But the prospect of facing people’s pitying gazes, of people expressing their condolences for his loss, of people asking him if he was okay....

“I’m just not...ready,” he said.  He wasn’t sure if he ever would be.

“Okay,” Cecil said.  “You don’t have to be.  It’s only been a month.”

A month.  A month of living in this apartment alone.  A month of sleeping on the sofa, because sleeping in the bed without Nico was too painful.  A month of waking up with no one there to wish him a good morning.

A month since he’d last heard Nico’s voice, seen Nico’s smile, or felt Nico’s hand inside his.

“I won’t force you to go,” Cecil went on.  “But I don’t like you locking yourself inside this apartment all the time.  How about Lou Ellen and I come over this Friday instead?  We’ll hang out, just the three of us.”

Will shrugged.  He didn’t want to, but he didn’t care enough to argue.

Cecil sighed and put a comforting hand on Will’s knee.  “I’ve got to head to my night class.  Finish that sandwich, okay?”

Will only shrugged again, but he did take another bite.

“Think about this Friday,” Cecil said as he got up to leave.  “If you really, really don’t want to, that’s fine.  But I’d like you to spend some time with us.”  When Will didn’t respond or make eye contact, Cecil patted his shoulder.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.  Good night.”

As soon as Cecil left, Will slouched down tiredly on the sofa and set the plate with the sandwich aside.  It was kind of Cecil to make that for him.  He appreciated it.  But, honestly, Cecil’s efforts were wasted on him.

He’d get tired of Will eventually.  So would Lou.  They were good friends.  Will wasn’t.  They deserved better than what Will could give them.

He stared at the ceiling in silence until rolling onto his side and closing his eyes.  Several hours went by before sleep overtook him – Will always had trouble going to sleep nowadays.  He couldn’t seem to relax his mind and body, and as time went on, his insomnia showed no improvement.  A part of him was terrified of the nightmares that plagued him every time he tried to rest.  But another part of him was eager to sleep.

Because in sleep, he could see Nico again.

When Will finally slipped into dreams, he saw the same image that he’d seen nearly every night.  The world around him was devoid of color or texture.  It wasn’t warm, nor was it cold; instead, the air felt so agreeable that Will could only describe it as bland.  The scene was dark.  There was barely enough light for Will to see by, and his vision was even more obstructed by a veil of fog or smoke.

But somewhere in this dreary world, Will would find Nico.  He always did.

He didn’t bother calling; Nico never answered.  Instead, he stepped forward, scanning his surroundings for any sign of him.  His footsteps were eerily silent.  Everything in this dream was always silent, as though Will were walking on air.  The only sounds came from Will’s body; his breathing, his heartbeat, even the unsettling noise made by his digestive organs.  The first time he’d visited this world, the silence had nearly caused him to break down in an anxiety attack, but he’d since found that he could navigate much more easily while humming to himself.  Will did that now; picking one of Nico’s favorite tunes.  When he had to pause to give his throat a break, Will distracted himself from the sounds of his own intestines by clapping his hands together.  He might’ve looked insane, but it didn’t matter; Will was beyond caring.  And anyway, there was no one else in this world.

No one but him and Nico.

He stumbled upon Nico after what felt like hours.  As usual, Nico was lying on the ground, still as stone, his eyes open but unseeing.  Nico would never move his eyes in these dreams; he didn’t look around, he didn’t blink.  He just stared forward, so immobile that the first time Will had this dream, he’d thought Nico was dead.  But his heart was beating and his chest rose and fell as he breathed; although seemingly comatose, this dream-Nico was alive.

“Nico,” he called, sitting by his side.  “I’m here.”  He reached out to touch Nico’s cold hand.  “Are you going to wake up today?”

There was no response, but Will hadn’t expected one.  Nico never responded.

Still, Will held onto the hope that maybe someday, he would.  He’d squeeze Will’s hand back and move his eyes, then he’d smile when their gazes met.  He’d hug Will and then they’d just talk and laugh, their fingers tangled together and their cheeks dusted with a matching flush.

And, for a little while, Will would have Nico again.  For a little while, it would be like Nico had never left.

“I miss you,” Will whispered.  “Why won’t you wake up?”

He’d tried singing to Nico.  He’d tried shaking him.  He’d tried bribing.  He’d tried kissing Nico’s fingers and forehead.  He’d tried whispering about how much he loved and missed Nico.

Nico never woke up, but Will tried every time he had this dream.

“I want you back,” Will said.  “I just want to hear your voice – even if it’s just once, Nico.  Please.  Can’t I at least have you back when I dream?”

Of course, there was no answer; Will might as well be talking to a statue.  After having this dream over and over for so many weeks, Will had given up hope of Nico ever responding.  He was talking to himself more than he was to Nico.  He asked the questions that no one was able to answer, he said the things he needed to say but was too afraid to reveal to anyone.

“Where are you?” Will asked.  “Are you in your father’s palace?  Elysium?  Did you try for rebirth?”

A piece of Will hoped that Nico hadn’t tried for rebirth yet.  Maybe Nico had waited for him.

“Are you happy?  I hope you’re happy.  I hope you’re resting.”

Will let go of Nico’s hand and hugged his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees while he looked at Nico’s stone-like face.

“Do you ever think about me?” he asked.  “Do you miss me as much as I miss you?  I hope you don’t miss me too badly, but you always were more independent than me, weren’t you?  You probably don’t have it as bad as I do.

“Maybe it’s selfish, but I do hope that you miss me a little.  It makes me feel less alone when I think that maybe you want me back, too.  I feel like if we miss each other, then...there’s a part of us that’s still together.”  Will laughed self-deprecatingly.  “It’s stupid, I know.  You’d tell me as much if you were here.  I’m an idiot when you’re not with me.  You should wake up and fix it before I embarrass you.”

Nico didn’t smile.  He didn’t laugh.  He didn’t move.

Will hid his face behind his knees.  “I miss you so much I can barely breathe.  How am I supposed to _live?”_

 

The rest of the week sucked, not that Will expected anything different.  Every morning, he’d wake up with the sun, but couldn’t get up until he knew he’d be late to class if he didn’t force himself to get ready.  Then, he’d go to class and stare at his desk, unable to focus on the lecture.  He’d move lethargically during his labs.  When all his classes were over, he’d go home.  He would stare at his textbooks, thinking about opening them and studying, but would end up slumping on the couch to go to sleep.  He wouldn’t fall asleep until long past midnight.

He always had the same dream.

By the time Friday rolled around, Will’s mood hadn’t changed much.  His routine was still the same.  He was dreading Lou and Cecil’s visit later that evening, knowing that they’d look at him with those sad eyes and they’d constantly ask him if he was okay.

No.  He wasn’t okay.  Did they really have to ask?

Cecil had brought up the party again earlier in the week, saying that it was up to him if they’d attend the party or just hang out in the apartment.  Will had told him, once again, that he had absolutely no intention of going to any parties.

His therapy appointment with Dr. Thompson, a son of Fortuna, was what set him off.

Will had been going to therapy sessions twice a week since Nico’s death.  He’d go to Dr. Thompson’s office, sit on a couch, and Dr. Thompson would ask him about his day, about his progress, and had he written in that journal like he’d told Will to?

No, Will hadn’t.  He couldn’t even pick up a pencil and this man expected him to _write?_

Every appointment, Dr. Thompson told Will that it was normal to feel upset.  Dr. Thompson would lecture Will on the steps he needed to take to get better.  He’d tell Will that he needed to start writing in his journal.  He’d talk and talk and talk.

He’d try to get Will to talk, too, but Will didn’t have much to say.  No, he didn’t write in the journal.  His classes were fine.  No, nothing exciting had happened.  Yes, he still felt like shit.

Will didn’t say anything deeper than that.  

He hated the appointments.  He hated the way Dr. Thompson would sigh like he was disappointed in Will.  He hated that he always felt like he was being looked down on and the way that Dr. Thompson seemed to believe that he knew exactly how to fix Will’s life.  Dr. Thompson thought that if Will would just listen, everything would be sunshine and rainbows and sparkly unicorns.

Well, Will couldn’t.  He was tired.  He didn’t want to move.  Apparently, he was just too broken to get any better.

Every appointment, Will left feeling _pissed._ When he walked out of Dr. Thompson’s office that Friday, Will went back home and changed, knowing that Lou and Cecil would arrive soon, and he’d already decided that they were going to the party.  

Will wanted to drink.

So when Lou and Cecil knocked on his door carrying plastic bags filled with junk food, Will looked at them with a frown and said, “I thought you were taking me to a party.”

Lou and Cecil exchanged a glance.  “Uh, yeah, we can go to the party,” Cecil said.  “You’re okay with that?”

Will shrugged, zipping up his jacket.  “Let’s go,” he said, pushing past them.  

His friends didn’t question him.  They chased after him and directed him to where they’d parked.  After putting Will in the backseat, they exchanged another glance that they thought Will didn’t see, and whispered to each other in hushed voices before getting in the car, too.  They probably didn’t mean for Will to overhear, but he heard them agree not to drink and to keep an eye on Will.

He’d have to ditch the chaperones, then.

And ditch the chaperones, he did.  It didn’t take Will long to lose them; the house they went to was crowded and it was hard to keep track of anyone.  He drank.

He drank _a lot._

Will felt like he was floating.  He wasn’t _happy,_ exactly, but he was numb.  It was like nothing mattered.  He forgot why he was there.  He forgot that Nico was gone.  He forgot everything.

That was, until he saw the bonfire.

Will didn’t remember much – he recalled panicking, thinking that he could see Nico running into the blazing building all over again.  Will might have screamed – he wasn’t sure.  All he knew was that when he saw the bonfire being lit, he felt lost and alone and like he was choking on smoke and dying.

He didn’t remember Cecil and Lou Ellen taking him home, but the next thing he knew, they were trying to put him to bed.

He smelled Nico on the sheets.

Will screamed, fighting against their hold, tripping over himself as he tried to get away.  He couldn’t remember what he’d said; only the horror he’d felt when they tried to put him in the bed he had once shared with Nico.

When Will woke up from another dream about the motionless Nico in the lifeless world of smoke, he was lying on the couch with a splitting headache.  He could smell something coming from the kitchen.  Immediately, he felt a surge of hope, thinking that Nico had finally come back to him.  Nico was in the kitchen, making him breakfast.  Nico was home....

He sat up and the room spun, but he pushed through his dizziness and raced to the kitchen.  Instead of Nico, Will found Cecil frying bacon on the stove.

His heart broke again.

“Will!” Cecil said when he came in.  “I’m almost done with breakfast.  Lou Ellen ran out to grab some orange juice.  How do you feel?”

Will stared at him for a moment, then he opened his mouth and said, “I’m going to throw up.”

He ran to the bathroom and did just that.

 

Cecil and Lou Ellen stayed with him for most of that day, making sure that Will ate and drank and took some pain pills.  They sat with Will on the sofa, both of them cuddling into his sides, and put on a light-hearted movie.  Before they left, they made him dinner and told him that they’d check on him in the morning.

They took all the alcohol in the apartment with them.

When he was finally alone, Will closed his eyes, missing the pain from his headache.  The alcohol had made him forget, and the hangover that he’d gotten that morning had kept his mind off the ache in his heart.  He remembered the way he’d felt so weightless at the party the night before, the way he’d felt so lost in the crowd, like he could forget who he was and why he was hurting so badly.  

He wanted to drink.

New Rome was a small place.  If he bought alcohol, it would get back to Lou and Cecil – or worse, it would get back to Nico’s sister and friends.  They were in enough pain.  They didn’t need to have to worry about Will, too.

Berkeley wasn’t far; it was only a half-hour drive.  He could get in his truck and go downtown, find a bar and...just forget everything.  It would be easy.

Will knew that wasn’t a healthy way to deal with his grief, but he was having a hard time caring.  It didn’t seem like there _was_ a healthy way to grieve.  Dr. Thompson certainly hadn’t helped him.  And anyway, it was just one night.

Will got in his truck and drove.

He found a club downtown – some cheap place that the students at UC Berkeley frequented.  It was Saturday night and the place was crowded, but no one looked at Will with those sad, pitying eyes.

Will swallowed.  He wasn’t used to this.  Sure, he’d been to bars and dance clubs before, but that was always with friends.  With _Nico._ He’d never gone alone, never gone with the objective of drowning himself in alcohol until he couldn’t think.

He ordered a beer and sat alone in his little corner at the bar until a girl asked him to dance.  He shrugged and agreed, following her to the dance floor.  Nico wouldn’t have minded if Will danced with someone else; they’d been dating for so long that they rarely got jealous.  

The lights made it hard to see clearly.  The heat from the surrounding bodies made it difficult to breathe.  Will found himself at the bar again, this time with the girl and her friends, and took shots with them.  He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten to know them.  He could barely remember their names.  But they were laughing and smiling and they weren’t looking at Will with those sad faces that he’d been seeing for so long, so it didn’t matter.

They didn’t know him.  He didn’t have to be Will Solace.  He didn’t have to be mourning the loss of his boyfriend.

Several drinks later, the girl who had asked him to dance leaned forward and kissed him – a drunk, clumsy, peck to the corner of his mouth.

Will giggled.  “I’m gay,” he explained.

The girl took it in stride.  “Oh!  Sorry, I should’ve asked.  My friend Tommy – remember Tommy?”

Will didn’t, but he nodded.

“Tommy’s bi,” she said.  “You should dance with him.”

“‘Kay,” Will said, not following her logic.  “Why?”

“Because Tommy’s bi,” she said.  

“‘Kay,” Will said again, but he still didn’t understand.  What did that have to do with anything?

By the time the girl called over her friend and introduced them, Will had forgotten most of the conversation, but _dance_ and _Tommy_ stood out, so he obeyed the instruction and wobbled to the dance floor with the boy.  

Will didn’t remember much after that.  There was lots of touching, more alcohol, and there might have been kissing.  Then he was being led away, out of the club and into the cool night air, then around the corner of the building and into a dark alleyway.  He felt rough brick at his back, felt wet lips on his skin, and there was touching – _so much touching._

It felt _good._

When the touching eventually stopped, Will stayed slumped against the brick in a euphoric sort of trance, smiling stupidly.  Someone tried to bring him back inside, but Will didn’t want to move, so he was left alone in the alley.  He closed his eyes and let his mind drift, loving how his body felt so light and satisfied.  

Will stood there until the alcohol started to wear off, and then he distantly thought that he should find Nico.  

Then he remembered that Nico was gone.

That sobered him up right away.  Hadn’t he just felt hands all over his body?  Why...?

Will shook his head.  It didn’t make sense.  He should go home.  But was he still drunk?  He probably shouldn’t drive.  Maybe he should sit in his truck for a while and wait.  

Deciding that was a good plan, Will went back inside the club to close his tab, then he left to find his truck.  

Will sat in the front seat and dozed for a few hours, then suddenly woke up to the intense urge to vomit.  He opened his door, ran for the nearest trashcan, and retched.  

It took him a moment to remember where he was.  In Berkeley, right?  He figured he should get home, so after wiping his mouth, he went back to his truck and started the engine.  The drive went by quickly.  The roads weren’t terribly crowded, as it was still only about 4 a.m.  His mind was still fuzzy, but it cleared as he drove.  Any other time, Will would’ve been furious with himself for driving while still under the influence of alcohol, but it didn’t bother him then.

Will spent most of the drive trying to remember what had happened.  He’d had a lot to drink; that much was for sure.  He recalled that there were bright lights, loud music, and lots of dancing bodies all around him.  He remembered a few blurred faces, a few jumbled names....

It wasn’t until he’d already pulled into his apartment parking lot and was sitting idly in the driver’s seat that he remembered leaning against the brick wall, the hands on his body, and the lips on his skin.

His stomach jolted violently.  Will raced out of his truck and into the apartment after fumbling with his keys, and then hurried to the bathroom to vomit into the toilet.  

He clutched the toilet bowl, panting to catch his breath.  He felt tears in the corners of his eyes.  His head was pounding so painfully that he couldn’t think, but there was one thing that his mind kept repeating over and over again: _I had sex with someone who wasn’t Nico._

Will retched again, but nothing came out.  His arms felt weak and his hands were shaking.  His gut churned with nausea, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the guilt or the alcohol.  

It didn’t matter.  His lover of five years had barely been gone a month, but he’d already fooled around with someone else.  At a time that he ought to be grieving, he’d betrayed Nico.

Will sobbed and fell onto the cold tiled floor of the bathroom, hugging his legs against his chest.  “I’m sorry, Nico,” he whispered.  “I’m so, so sorry.”

He cried until he had no tears left, then he stared forward blankly as the hours ticked by.  His mouth still tasted like vomit and his head was still throbbing in pain, but that didn’t matter.  

He deserved it.

Hours later, Will distantly heard a knock at the front door.  He didn’t answer.  There was another knock, and still, he didn’t move.  There was a different sound – the sound of the door being unlocked.  

Who had a key?  Nico did – but no, Nico was dead.  Hazel had a key, but Hazel wouldn’t come over without calling.  He didn’t think anyone had called.

“Will?” the visitor said.  It sounded like Cecil.  That would explain it – Cecil’s lockpicking skills were rivaled only by the Stolls.  “Will?” Cecil called again.  Will heard him walking across the apartment.  He heard him open the bedroom door and call his name again.  He still didn’t bother answering.  Cecil would find him eventually.  Will might as well wait.

A moment later, there was a gasp, and then Cecil ran into the bathroom to kneel at his side.  “Will?  Gods, Will, are you okay?”

Will said nothing, preferring to continue to blankly stare forward at the chipped powder blue wall of the bathroom.

Cecil grabbed Will’s wrist, feeling for a pulse.  “I need to call the infirmary.  Dammit, Will, what if I hadn’t come here to check on you?”

Will heard Cecil dial a number on his phone and talk to someone on the other end.  Will couldn’t bring himself to stop him; he didn’t want the attention, especially not from one of his siblings at the Camp Jupiter infirmary.  Still, moving was too hard.  

His sister Kallie arrived a few minutes later and she and Cecil forced Will to sit up.  Kallie checked his reflexes, then started asking him questions.  Will only blinked.  He didn’t answer.

 _“Answer me,_ Will Solace,” she snapped, and any other time Will would’ve had words with her about bedside manner.  Right then, he didn’t care.  “How much did you drink?”

“Don’t know,” he mumbled.

“Dammit, you might’ve given yourself alcohol poisoning!” she said.  She helped him drink from a bottle of water, then she wrapped him in a blanket and gave him a dose of nectar.  There were more questions, most of which Will ignored, still staring forward blankly until Kallie deemed him stable.  She helped him stand to brush his teeth, then she and Cecil brought him to the bedroom and helped him change into sweatpants and a t-shirt before wrapping him back up in his blanket and leading him to the sofa.  They forced him to drink more water and offered him some pain pills.  Will tried to refuse the pills, but he gave in when Kallie was persistent.  

Will wanted to be alone.  They wouldn’t leave.  Will couldn’t think with them hovering around him – he was only aware of a toxic sense of guilt and a constant stream of _Nico Nico Nico_ floating in his head.

Lou Ellen came in later, too, and at some point in the afternoon, Will overheard Kallie assuring them that she’d take care of Will and that they could go get some work done for their classes if they needed to.  Will had forgotten; the two of them had spent nearly their whole weekend doting in him.  It was sad, really.  Will didn’t deserve it.

His friends said goodbye and made lunch plans with him before leaving.  Kallie spent the rest of the evening looking after him – she put on soft music, she kept him hydrated and warm, and brought him food to eat.  She tried to talk to him, but Will just shook his head.  Later that evening, Kallie said they should get some sleep.

“I’ll crash on your couch,” she said.  “Mind if I grab some blankets?”

Will shrugged and gestured towards the linens closet, then he escorted himself to the bedroom and shut the door behind him.  He grabbed his pillow, threw it on the floor, and put himself to bed right there on the rough carpeting.

After all, he had no right to sleep in the bed that had once belonged to him and Nico.

He did try to sleep, but ended up blankly staring at the door to the closet for hours.  Finally alone, he no longer had anything to distract him from the feeling of shame that was rapidly eating him away.  He had no way to block out the fuzzy memories of a stranger’s hands on him, of his own hands on a stranger, of how much he’d enjoyed it....

And how sick was that?  The man he’d loved for six years had been dead a _month,_ and Will was enjoying casual sex with a stranger?

Will tried to distract himself by thinking if that night, of that terrible, terrible night when he’d lost Nico to fire.  He thought about the heat, the terror....

It was long past midnight when Will pulled himself up and tiptoed to the hall closet to fetch a tealight and some matches.  He didn’t think much about it; he acted on a whim.  He brought them back to his room and quietly shut the door, and then he set the tealight on a magazine that had been tossed on the floor and struck a match.

He felt a jolt of fear when he saw the flame, but swallowed it down and forced his shaking hand to light the candle.  When it was done, he put out the match and knelt on the ground in front of the candle.

Maybe he’d decided to light the candle to honor Nico’s memory.  Maybe he’d decided to light it to punish himself.

Maybe both.

The little flame reminded him of that awful fire that had ended Nico’s life.  The memory was fuzzy; he couldn’t remember everything that he’d said and done, but the emotions he felt when he thought about it were vivid and the bright visions of fire and heat were still strong.  He remembered the pain, the terror, the hopeless heartbreak, and the dreadfully lost feeling that he still hadn’t been able to shake.  Looking at the candle, he could imagine accidentally bumping it, he could imagine the flame catching the magazine paper before burning out of control.  It could spread throughout his room, could burn his skin and cut off his flow of oxygen.  It could kill him.

Oh, well.  It wouldn’t be so bad to die.

 

When Will dreamed that he was back in that smoky land of nothingness, he didn’t have the courage to look for Nico.  Every night that week when he slipped back into that same dream, Will would sit down and rock back and forth, humming tunelessly until he finally woke up again.  Being alone in that world was terrifying; it was dark, empty, and maddening.

When the sun finally woke Will up on Friday, he lifted his head groggily and reached out for his phone on the end table.  It was past 10; he’d already missed his morning class.  It wasn’t the first time.  Truthfully, Will was beginning to wonder if he could even finish college.  Growling, Will rolled back over to sleep some more.

He woke again a few hours later and dressed, then left to go to UNR for his afternoon lab, where he examined cross sections of rat brains.

Nico had hated it when Will worked with dead animals.  He’d always told Will that he could smell death on him when Will came home after a dissection.  It had made Nico uncomfortable, so Will had made a habit of texting Nico to warn him and staying away until the smell dissipated.

Maybe that was why he didn’t go home right after his lab that day.

He sat outside in the cooling autumn air, nursing a cup of bitter coffee.  He picked an empty picnic table in the far corner of the patio outside the library, overlooking a field of grass and trees where he and Nico used to sit together and study.

He’d been sitting there for at least a half hour when he distantly heard someone call his name.  Will sniffed and looked around and found Hazel approaching him.

Hazel.

Will wanted to make an excuse to leave, but when Hazel smiled and said, “Hey,” he knew he wouldn’t be able to escape without it being obvious that he was avoiding her.

Will smiled weakly.  “Hey,” he replied as she sat across from him.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Hazel said.

“I’ve been busy,” Will lied.

Hazel nodded quietly, folding her hands on the table in front of herself.  Will could tell she knew he wasn’t being honest.  “It’s not getting any easier, is it?”

“No,” Will replied.  If anything, it was getting harder.

Hazel swallowed.  “Maybe we could go out for lunch sometime and catch up.”

“Maybe,” Will agreed hesitantly to avoid directly turning her down.  He didn’t want to eat lunch with her.  He didn’t want to face the sister of the lover he’d betrayed.

Will’s fingers twitched around his Styrofoam coffee cup and he lifted it to his lips to take a sip.  Hazel looked down at her hands.  She probably realized how uncomfortable Will was; she’d always been perceptive.  He hoped she didn’t take offense.  After all, Hazel had done nothing wrong.  It was Will.

“I’m hurting, too, Will,” Hazel said.  “You don’t have to be alone.”

And there it was.  Hazel’s plea for Will to get better, her offer to help.  She was a kind girl – too kind for her own good.  Maybe she wanted to talk to Will about that night; maybe she thought Will could help her, too.

“I’m thinking about dropping out,” he admitted.

Hazel’s expression fell.  “Will–”

“Hazel, I’m sorry,” Will said, wondering why he’d spoken up at all.  He didn’t want to talk.  He didn’t want to burden Hazel even more.  “It’s hard to talk about.  I think I have to be alone for a while.”

Hazel accepted his answer with a quiet nod, but she said, “Maybe you need to talk about it.  I won’t force you to, but I’d like you to consider it.  When you’re ready, I’ll listen.”

Will gave her a fake smile.  “I should go,” he said, finally standing up.  He knew that his reason for leaving was obviously due to discomfort, but he was too desperate to get out to really care.  “I’m sorry, Hazel,” he added.  “I just....”

Hazel nodded.  “I understand,” she replied.  “Just...don’t shut me out, Will.”

Will bit his lip.  “Okay,” he agreed without meaning it.  “See you later.”

“Yeah, later,” Hazel agreed.

Will picked up his messenger bag and coffee cup, offered a small wave, and quickly walked away.  

Will spent most of that week at home, unable to force himself to get up so he could attend his classes.  He barely got time to himself; there was always someone in the apartment worrying over him.  It was nice of them, he supposed, but it didn’t matter.  They couldn’t help.

He didn’t go back to Dr. Thompson that week, either.  There wasn’t much of a point.

Will had never been a heavy drinker, but he found himself thinking about the blissful release of intoxication.  Both times that he’d gotten himself drunk, he’d felt amazing; it was like nothing mattered anymore.  Nothing hurt.  And, in the morning, there was so much pain that he forgot to feel the emptiness that had stalked him since Nico’s death.  But he also remembered the way he’d betrayed Nico that night in Berkeley.  And even though both the elation and the following pain had been much, much more intense than they had when Will had only been drunk, Will vowed that he would never, ever betray Nico like that again.

That vow wasn’t upheld for long.  

Later that evening, Kallie kicked him out of the infirmary when he broke down during his shift.  A camper had come in with burn injuries, and Will, reminded of Nico’s mangled corpse, had panicked.  Kallie, who was a year or two younger than Will and had worked in the Camp Jupiter infirmary since she’d been claimed, had ordered him to go home and rest.  

“We can’t have medics breaking down when we’re trying to treat patients,” she’d said shortly.  Will knew she hadn’t meant to hurt him; Kallie was just blunt that way.

(She’d gotten along well with Nico, Will recalled.)

Will had gone home frustrated – with Kallie, yes, but mostly with himself.  Healing was the only thing he was good at, but he couldn’t even _heal_ anymore – just like he hadn’t been able to heal Nico.  

And that was the only push he needed to get right back in his truck and head to Berkeley again.  

Before he left, Will glanced at the nightstand where he and Nico stored their condoms.  He remembered what had occurred when he’d gotten drunk a few weeks ago and allowed someone to lead him into the alleyway behind the club.  He hadn’t had condoms with him at the time.  Luckily, they hadn’t gone far and no harm had been done, and Will had no intention to doing that again.

But maybe, if he got really drunk, something _could_ happen.  It was better to be safe than sorry, wasn’t it?

Will didn’t care if he got an STD, to be honest.  Maybe it would kill him.  That didn’t seem like a bad deal to Will.  It wasn’t like he had much left to do, anyway.

But if he got an STD and then had _another_ lapse of judgement that led to an affair, Will could infect someone else.  He could contribute to the spread of the disease.  And sure, Will didn’t really care about whether or not it killed him, but if he passed it on to someone else, that was a different matter entirely.

Will swallowed and opened the drawer, reaching in to retrieve a condom, but stopped himself.  These condoms were for him and Nico.  They weren’t for anyone else.

Will shook his head and plucked a condom out from the cardboard box.  He was overthinking it.  Nico wasn’t there anymore.  And anyway, condoms were condoms.  They were just objects.  That was all there was to it.

And when Will woke up the next morning in a stranger’s bed with no memory of how he’d gotten there, he couldn’t hold back the flood of anger that surged through him.  He couldn’t stop the sudden desire to tear the room apart, to lash out at the stranger – at _himself –_ to throw himself on the ground kicking and screaming like a child.  But instead, he pulled himself up and ran through the apartment until he found a toilet to throw up into.  Then he dressed, found his things, and left without waiting for the other man to wake up.

When he got outside, he swore loudly, unsure where to direct his fury.  At himself?  At the stranger whose bed he’d just left?  At Nico, who’d abandoned him?

_Not at Nico.  Never at Nico._

He forced that thought from his mind.  No, Nico did not deserve his anger.  He couldn’t let himself think that.  He couldn’t allow himself to give in to the resentment creeping into his heart.  

 _Will_ was the one to blame.  Will was a mess.  He was betraying the man he loved.  He was too weak to survive without Nico and it was no one’s fault but his own.  What was the point in fighting anymore?  Will knew that he couldn’t fix himself.  Waking up in a stranger’s bed was proof of that.  Somehow, it seemed worse to him that he went home with that person – before, it had been a heated impulse.  This time, he’d went into another man’s home and shared a bed with him.

Sniffing, Will pulled out his phone and opened his GPS, having no idea where he was, and walked all the way back to the bar where he’d parked his car so he could drive back to New Rome.  The moment he slammed the door behind him, he went to the bathroom and stripped his clothes off, then he got in the shower.

If only the soap and water would wash away his blurry memories – the faded images of naked skin and roaming hands.  If only he could wash away the past, wash away his sins, wash until his skin was numb.

If only he could drown himself in the water.

That thought stuck in his mind as he got out of the shower and pulled on a new set of clothing.  Death didn’t sound so bad.  Hades would probably hate him for what he’d done to Nico – maybe he’d send Will to the fields of punishment.  

Will doubted that Hades could think up any punishment worse than the one he already had.  It would be a blessing, really – some other pain to distract him from the ache in his heart.  Will couldn’t think of a better treatment.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden knock at the door.  Scowling to himself, Will answered – he was already standing, so he figured he might as well.  If it was Cecil, he’d just pick the lock anyway.

It wasn’t Cecil.  It was Reyna.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, too tired and irritated to bother with manners.

Reyna frowned.  “Because we’re friends, Will,” she said.

Will huffed.  “You know what?  I have enough friends doting on me.  I don’t want your help, okay?”   _I don’t deserve your help,_ he added silently.   _I deserve to be alone.  I deserve to be in pain._

“Well, maybe I want _your_ help,” she snapped.  “But if you’re going to be such a dick about it, then I’ll go.”

Will’s eyes widened as Reyna turned to walk away.   _I’ve messed up again._ Wallowing in his own loss, he’d forgotten that he hadn’t been the only one affected by Nico’s death – Reyna had been there with him.  Reyna had watched him burn, too.  “Wait, Reyna,” he called.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean...I’m just....”  Will looked at his feet.  “I’m sorry.”

Reyna turned back and folded her arms.  “I get it,” she said.  “I’m...I’m angry, too.”

Will took a deep breath.  “Do you want to come in?” he asked.  “I’ll make coffee.”

Reyna nodded and followed Will inside.  After he’d started the coffee, he turned back to Reyna, who was standing uncomfortably in the entryway.  “You can sit down,” he said stiffly.  Reyna nodded and took a seat on the couch.  

“I’m sorry for just showing up without calling,” she said.  

“No, it’s fine,” Will told her.  “I...um...I’m just in a really bad mood right now.”   _I’m not in a bad mood.  I’m dying more and more every day._

He didn’t say anything more; instead, they waited in silence for the coffee to finish, then Will poured two mugs and asked her how she liked it.  When he was done, he went to sit next to Reyna on the sofa.  “Thanks,” Reyna said, taking her coffee.

“No problem,” Will answered, taking a sip from his mug.  He had a slight headache from how much he’d had to drink the night before, and he could feel the caffeine soothing it away.  “So.  Uh...you needed something?”

Reyna sighed, settling back on the sofa and cradling her mug in her hands.  “Nightmares,” she admitted.  “Do you get them, too?”

“About that night?  Yeah.”  Will hadn’t slept for more than a few hours at a time since Nico died.  He couldn’t get to sleep until the early hours of morning, and even then, he’d wake up several times, calling out Nico’s name.

Sometimes he dreamt about the fire.  Other times he dreamt that he was in the smoky world where he knew Nico was lying somewhere, in a coma-like trance.  While Will once treasured his time with Nico in those dreams, he always avoided him now.

There was another silence and Will sipped his coffee wordlessly.  He didn’t want to talk about this.  Not with Reyna, not with _anyone._ And if Reyna needed someone to support her, Will wasn’t in any position to do that – with his emotional state, with the way he’d treated Nico’s memory....

“Reyna,” he said finally, “I think you should go.”

Reyna looked surprised, and maybe a little hurt.  “Right,” she said.  “I understand.  I shouldn’t have barged in without warning.”  She stood up and the look on her face made Will feel guilty again.  Reyna didn’t deserve Will’s frustration.

“Look, it’s not....”  Will sighed and rubbed his brow.  “I just don’t think I’m in any state to support you.”

Reyna nodded and sighed.  “Will, I just need someone to talk to, okay?  And I thought that we could talk to each other about it.  We were the only two that saw it happen, you know?”

“I can’t help you,” Will muttered, getting up to put his empty mug in the kitchen.  

“But maybe we could help _each other,”_ she said, following him to the kitchen.  Will took her mug, irritably trying to block out her protests.  “We could work together.”

“Reyna!” Will shouted.  “I can’t be helped, okay?  You _don’t_ understand.  You _don’t_ know how I feel.  And you don’t know the things I’ve done since then.”   _You shouldn’t talk to me.  You shouldn’t be around me.  Not after how I’ve gone behind Nico’s back, acting like he didn’t matter to me.  I’m a sinner.  I don’t deserve to talk to you._

“I know you’re drinking,” Reyna said.  “Will, it’s not healthy, but it _can_ be helped.  That’s why I thought–”

“I had sex with someone else,” Will interrupted.  “I went to Berkeley and I drank until I couldn’t think, and then I had sex with someone.”

Reyna froze, staring at him with blank eyes, like she didn’t understand.  After a moment, she opened her mouth and tried to speak, but no sound came out.

“I know it was wrong,” Will said, his shoulders shaking.  

“Will, no,” Reyna said.  “You...you had a moment of weakness.  You were drunk.  You can’t blame yourself for what you did.  It wasn’t right, but everyone makes mistakes.”

“It wasn’t just one time, okay?” Will blurted out.  “It wasn’t just one mistake.  I’ve done it before, and even though it hurts _so fucking bad_ , I couldn’t stop because I’m fucking _broken!”_

Reyna turned her head away and Will heard her sniff.  When she spoke, she sounded like she was holding back tears.  “Will, you can’t...Nico is....”

“I _know,”_ Will said.  “It’s so fucking hard, Reyna.  I...I feel like I don’t have any control.  There’s no helping me, okay?  Not after what I’ve done to him.”

“No, Will, we _can_ get help for you,” Reyna insisted, putting her hands on Will’s shoulders.  “What about the therapy?  I know it hurts, but the therapy can help – you _can_ get better.  And you’re not... _cheating._  It’s just not healthy, okay?  Nico would want–”

_“Don’t you dare tell me what Nico would want!”_

“–Nico would want you to take care of yourself!” Reyna said, speaking loudly to be heard over him.

“It doesn’t _matter_ anymore, now does it?  He’s not here.  He’s _gone.”_  Will pushed her hands off his shoulders.  “I quit therapy.  It didn’t help.  But you know what _does_ help, Reyna?  The alcohol.  The sex.  That’s what makes me forget.  Because when I wake up in the morning, I feel like my head is going to burst open and I spill my guts out into the toilet and I feel like this crushing guilt is going to kill me – and that’s better than feeling so fucking _empty_ all the time.”

“Will, stop it!  You’re being ridiculous–”

“I know, Reyna!  I fucking know that, okay?  I’m a fucking mess.”

“Don’t–”

“Please, just leave,” Will said.  “Please.”

Reyna looked uncertain for a moment, but then she said, “No.  I’m staying here with you.  I can’t leave you like this.”

“Godsdammit, Reyna, I don’t _need_ you!”

“Well, maybe I need _you!”_ Reyna shouted.  “Maybe we need _each other,_ Will!  I’m not going to leave you alone because Nico would never forgive me if I let you hurt yourself – and I’d never forgive myself, either.”

Will scowled and walked away, heading for the bedroom.  Reyna followed behind him, and when Will slammed his door behind him like a child, Reyna yanked it back open and stepped in after him.

“Look, you shouldn’t’ve let it get this far,” she said.  “You should’ve come to me for help.  But now I know and I’m not going to stop trying to help you.”

“I don’t _want_ you to help me!” Will growled.  

“Can’t we just _talk?”_ Reyna insisted, starting to sit on the edge of the bed.  

And that’s when Will snapped.  His heart sped up, his breaths came too fast.  His muscles went rigid, every voice in his head screaming _no no no!_  Because that bed was not to be touched.  It was not to be used.  Not by him – not by anyone.  “That’s ours!” he shouted.

Reyna frowned at his outburst.  “What?”

“That bed.  It belongs to Nico and I.  You can’t sit there.”

“Okay,” Reyna said.  Although her tone was skeptical, she still stood up and stepped away from the bed.

“Fix the sheets,” Will ordered.

“What?”

“The sheets, you wrinkled them.”

“Uh...okay.”

After the bed was set right again, Will took a deep breath and calmed himself.  It was stupid, he knew, but he _needed_ that bed to remain undisturbed.  It felt like the only thing he could do to respect Nico.  After what he’d done, he owed Nico at least that much.  Will didn’t notice the worried expression on Reyna’s face as he swallowed and pulled himself back from the verge of a panic attack, tilting his head up to stare at the blank ceiling.

“Will,” he heard Reyna say.  “You don’t sleep in here, do you?”

Will kept his eyes on the ceiling for a while, then he turned and faced Reyna.  

And, when Reyna ran to hug him, Will let himself cry.

 

*   *   *

  

Will would’ve liked to say that what happened that night was the last time.  He would’ve liked to say that he repented after his second lapse of judgment.  

But that would be a lie.

He went to Berkeley a few more times.  He didn’t always end up having an affair, but it happened every now and then.  Once, he ran off to San Francisco for a few days, staying in a different stranger’s bed every night.  He’d gone home to face several angry friends who yelled at him for disappearing for so long without even bothering to answer his phone.

Reyna didn’t tell anyone, of course.  She kept trying to get Will to talk to her, but Will pushed her away.  He hated the way she insisted that he _could_ get better when Will knew very well that he couldn’t.  He hated it when she tried to tell him that he didn’t have to feel like he was cheating on Nico, because in Will’s mind, he _was._

By mid-October, Will had decided that he wasn’t fit for school anymore.  His grades had slipped and every morning he had to fight a battle to even get up and move.  Maybe, he’d be able to go back after taking a break.

Somehow, Will doubted it.

Will thought about going back to Camp Half-Blood.  He didn’t believe he had it in himself to finish college education and pursue a medical degree, but maybe he could still help out at the infirmary there.  Then again, that place held too many memories of Nico.  Will doubted he’d be able to stand it.

In the few brief conversations he’d had with his mother, she’d offered him a place to stay while he got back on his feet.  Will had to admit the offer was tempting.  He could barely remember living with his mom as a child; he’d been a year-round camper.  It would be nice to spend time with his mom for a while.  But Will was hesitant to go.  He wasn’t quite ready to leave the apartment he’d shared with Nico.

Will still dreamed about the  empty world filled with nothing but dark clouds.  He always avoided looking for Nico, but on occasion he got sucked to Nico’s side and no matter how hard he tried to run away, Nico always appeared before him.  Will could hardly bear to look at Nico’s face in those dreams; he’d break down with sobs, filled with guilt and anger.

Not at Nico.  He couldn’t be angry at Nico.  Nico had done nothing wrong.  Nothing at all....

Except Nico had been the one to run into that damned fire.  Nico was the one who’d left Will.

Maybe Will was a little bit angry at Nico.  Maybe it was that anger that drove him back to Berkeley.

What mattered was Will found himself once again shitfaced drunk and making out with a man he couldn’t remember the name of.  Like this, intoxicated on alcohol and sex, he could forget everything.  He could lose himself in the feeling of hands on his body.  He could close his eyes and forget that there was a person attached to those hands, instead enjoying the light and wonderful touches on his body and the pleasant buzz in his head.  

Will never could open his eyes when he was with someone; seeing their face ruined it for him.  He didn’t want them.  He didn’t want _anyone._ There was no attraction involved; only arousal – and even then, his arousal was limited. He couldn’t seem to work up the energy. He just wanted to be touched.

The guy who Will was kissing that time wasn’t bad-looking.  He was about Will’s height, with broad shoulders, skin like copper, and hair as dark as midnight.  But Will hardly noticed.  It didn’t matter who it was; Will just needed to get to that wonderful high.

At some point, the guy who Will had been kissing leaned to Will’s ear and asked if he wanted to bail.  Will nodded and followed him outside, stopping every so often to shove their tongues inside each other’s mouths.

“Your place or mine?” the guy asked as they waited outside the club for their driver.

“Yours,” Will slurred.  “My place is off-limits.”  He couldn’t take mortals to New Rome.

He couldn’t take anyone into Nico’s bed.

Will nearly fell asleep on the ride to the stranger’s apartment.  Before he knew it, the man was shaking him to get his attention.

“Hey, hey, man – shit, what’s your name again?”

“Frank,” Will mumbled incoherently; it was the first name to pop in his head.

“Cool, I’m Justin.  Anyway, we’re here.  Let’s go.”

Will looked up at him in confusion.  Go where?  “Why?”

“Because we’re at my apartment,” Justin said, pushing him out the door.  He paid the driver before slinging an arm around Will’s shoulder.  “C’mon, Frank, let’s go!”

Why was this guy touching him again?  Was Will going to hook up with him?  He might as well; they were already at his apartment.

As the man – Justice?  Justin?  Joseph? – led Will up the stairs, Will grabbed his shirt and kissed him sloppily.  The stranger giggled and made a suggestive comment that Will barely heard.  He didn’t want to listen.  He didn’t want to talk.  He just wanted to feel good.

They eventually stumbled into the man’s apartment and Will was pushed against the front door.  Justice/Justin kissed him again – it wasn’t a very good kiss, but Will didn’t care.  It was warm and added to the buzz in his head.

“So why’s your place so off-limits?” the man asked.  “Gotta girlfriend you’re hiding this from?”

Will scoffed at the idea.  “No,” he answered, displeased that the man was using his mouth to talk instead of kiss.

“Boyfriend, then?”

“He’s dead,” Will replied bluntly, trying to pull the man back in for a kiss and put a stop to the talking.

But he was suddenly pushed off and his head smacked against the door behind him.  “Ow!  What the fuck?”

“He’s dead?” the stranger asked incredulously.  “And you went home with me?”

Will scowled.  “Oh, but it would be okay if I was cheating on someone?” he sneered, reaching for the man’s pants.  “Come on, Imma jerk you off–”

 _“No,”_ he said, slapping Will’s hands away.  “Are you just hooking up with me to forget him?  That’s fucked up, man.  That’s not healthy.”

Growling, Will shoved the man away from him.  “You don’t understand _anything,”_ he snapped.

“Yeah, well, you’re not fucking me,” the guy said.  “You’re gonna get some water and crash on my couch, then tomorrow I’ll call you a driver.”

“Fuck, no,” Will shouted.  “If you don’t want sex, then I’m out.”

“You can’t even walk straight, dumbass,” the stranger said.  “I’m offering you a place to stay for the night so you don’t go out and do something stupid.  What would you do if you left?  Find some other guy to hook up with?”

Will grunted.  That was exactly what he planned to do, to be honest.

“Get some sleep and sober up.”  The man pushed Will towards the living room.  He disappeared into another room and returned with a pillow and blanket, which he threw on the sofa.  “Look, tomorrow, you can leave and do whatever you want, but I don’t know what you’re gonna do if I let you go now.  I’m not comfortable letting you leave.”

“That’s stupid,” Will spat.  So this man would’ve been fine with it if Will were hiding an affair from a boyfriend or girlfriend, but then he decided that he wanted to be some kind of upstanding moral citizen?  Who was he to judge?  Did he think he was being noble by giving a fuck up like Will a place to sleep for the night?  Well, Will didn’t want his pity.  Will didn’t want his help.

But he stayed.  Will wasn’t sure why he accepted the man’s offer.  Maybe he was just tired.  Maybe he was sick of fighting.  But maybe he was afraid that the man was right; if he left, he’d find someone else to go home with.  And, as lost as he was, Will didn’t want to wake up find himself in somebody’s bed.

 

True to his word, Justin – who reintroduced himself when they were both sober the next morning – called a car for Will when they woke up.  He offered Will coffee, which Will refused, and before Will left, he gave him a piece of paper with his number on it “in case Will ever needed help.”

How did this guy expect to help Will?  Who was he to think he could fix Will’s problems?

Will tore up the paper when he got outside.

He had the driver take him to where he remembered parking his car, then for most of the day, he sat at a crappy coffee shop with ugly yellowing wallpaper and dirty windows and he scrolled through his phone mechanically.  He still wore his day-old clothes and he felt disgusting; he could smell sweat and alcohol on himself.  It pissed him off.

Everything pissed Will off.  Nico was gone – Nico had left him.  Will was a fucking mess.  And that asshole – Justin or whatever his name was – thought he had a right to judge Will?

Will thought about the disappointed faces of his friends and siblings.  They wanted him to “be himself” again.  They expected him to take care of himself.  And it wasn’t long before that Reyna had gone to _him_ for support.  How could she expect Will, who had lost his lover and best friend, to take care of _her_ too?  Everyone thought Will was some kind of beacon of mental stability, that Will was always there to lend a shoulder to cry on, but that wasn’t true.  Will was a failure and that was all there was to it.  They shouldn’t expect him to be good because he _wasn’t._ It was Nico who had brought out the good.

But maybe they did have a right to judge him.  Will was screwing up.  He was betraying Nico’s memory.

Will knew he needed to stop.  He was going to destroy himself if he kept going on like this.  And poor Nico....

It was mid afternoon when Will started to drive back to New Rome.  He was a disaster and there was nothing he could do about it.  There was no way he could make himself better.

But maybe, just maybe, if he had _help..._.

But who could he go to?   Dr. Thompson had never been able to help him before then.  So a friend?  He was closest to Lou Ellen and Cecil, but he didn’t feel comfortable telling them about this.  He’d screwed up big time, and as much as he loved the two of them, he didn’t think they’d truly be able to help.

So who?  Family?  He doubted his father would provide any valuable advice.  Not his mother, either; he’d probably tell her eventually, but not yet.  He wasn’t ready for that.  His siblings?  No.  He only had younger siblings; _he_ was supposed to be the one _they_ went to for advice.  He didn’t feel comfortable burdening them with his problems.

What about Reyna?  She already knew.  Still, Reyna hadn’t seemed to know what to tell Will the last time they’d talked.  She wouldn’t know how to fix this any more than he did.  And Hazel?  He’d always been close to her, but she was the last person that Will wanted to tell about the affairs he’d been having.

Will took a deep breath as he drove into New Rome and parked his car.  In truth, Will might’ve known who he’d need to go to all along.

Piper.

Piper always had known what was best when it came to relationships; she’d helped him and Nico many times over the years they’d been together.  If anyone could help him, it was Piper.  

But if he told Piper, there was a chance that Jason would find out, too.  Will was almost as afraid of Jason finding out as he was of Hazel.

He didn’t bother to shower or change before he walked over to Piper and Jason’s apartment and knocked on their door.  He heard rustling inside, then the door opened to reveal Piper.  She had her hair tied up in a messy ponytail and she was wearing workout leggings and a loose tank top.  

“Will, hey!” she said, looking surprised to see him.  Will didn’t blame her; he hadn’t gone to see anyone in a long time.  “Come in.  I just got back from my run.”

Will nodded and walked inside.  He looked around the apartment, trying to figure out if Jason was home or not, and barely heard Piper speaking.  He nodded shortly when she offered him something to drink and thanked her when she handed him a glass of water, but zoned out when she started talking again.

“Will?” Piper said, getting back Will’s attention.

“Hmm?” Will answered, turning to face her.

“What’s up?” she asked.

“I...” Will started, looking around the apartment again.  “Is Jason home?”

Piper shook her head.  “He’s out,” she said.  “Did you need to talk to him about something?”

“Uh, no,” Will said.  “I came to talk to you.”

Piper looked at him skeptically as she sipped water from her glass, then she nodded and said, “Alright.  What’s going on?”

Will bit his lip gripping his glass of water tightly.  “I...uh....”

After he stuttered for a bit, Piper asked, “Is it about Nico?”

Will nodded without meeting her eyes.

“Okay,” she said, reaching out to set a gentle hand on his upper arm.  “Why don’t we sit down and talk?”

Will agreed and followed her to the couch in her living room.  It was small, but cozy, with dated furniture that Piper had somehow managed to make took homey instead of unfashionable.

But Will still didn’t feel comfortable there.

Piper sat with him and waited quietly for him to explain.  He faltered several times before he managed to say, “I need help.”

As soon as the words were out, Will cupped his hands around his mouth and sobbed.  He _did_ need help.  He was absolutely broken and he wasn’t sure he even _could_ be fixed – but he knew for certain that he had no way of doing it himself.

“Shh, Will, it’s okay,” Piper said soothingly.  “We all need help.  What can I do?”

“I...I don’t....”

Piper put one arm around him.  “C’mon.  Give me a hug.”  And Will leaned into her arms, taking deep breaths to keep his shoulders from shaking.  Piper smelled like sweat and fresh air – a surprisingly pleasant scent, which Will chalked up to being a child of Aphrodite.  She rubbed his shoulder calmly, without speaking, until Will finally pulled away.

“You have to promise me you won’t tell,” he said.  “Not Jason, not anyone.”

“Of course,” Piper answered.  “This is between us.”

Will nodded and took a deep breath, but when he tried to speak, the words caught in his throat.  He covered his mouth before letting out a sob.  “Piper, I...I’m falling apart.”

Piper took Will’s hand and squeezed it.  She didn’t say anything; instead, she waited for Will to continue on his own.

“I’ve been drinking,” he said.  “A lot.”

Piper nodded, and when Will faltered, she asked, “Is that what you were doing when you disappeared for a few days?”

“Yes,” Will said.  “But...that’s not all.”

He looked up at Piper and when he met her eyes, he could tell that she understood what he was trying to tell her.  “Piper,” he whispered.  “Don’t make me say it.”

Piper wet her lips before speaking.  “You went home with someone.”

Will’s eyes prickled and he nodded.  “And it keeps happening, Piper.  I’ve done this _many_ times.”

Piper looked away for a moment, raising one hand to dab away the tears forming in her eyes.  “I’m sorry, I just...um....”  Piper turned aside to grab a few tissues from the end table to dry her eyes.  After composing herself, she took Will’s hand again, cleared her throat, and said, “I’m not angry and I won’t tell anyone.  Let’s just talk, okay?  I’ll do what I can to help.”

“I want to stop,” Will said.  “Piper, please.  I can’t do this on my own.”

“Well, I think coming to me was a good first step, don’t you?” Piper said, giving his hand another squeeze.  “I’m glad you decided to talk to me.”

Will nodded, and although he was still tense, a flood of relief passed over him.  He gripped Piper’s hand tightly; the feeling grounded him.  “Thank you.  Piper, thank you.”

“Of course,” Piper answered.  “Will, you’ll be able to get through this.  I believe you can.”

“I can’t by myself,” Will whispered.  “I...I can’t trust myself.”

“It’s okay to ask for help.  I’ll help you get the support you need, okay?”

“Okay.”  Will took a deep breath in relief; he hadn’t dared to hope for a reaction like this.

“Can I give you a piece of advice?” Piper asked, and Will nodded.  “I don’t think you should live alone.  You don’t have to be social all the time and no one’s expecting you to be Mr. Sunshine, but I don’t think it’s good for you to lock yourself up.”

“Where would I go?” Will asked.

“Where would you feel comfortable?”

Will bit his lip.  “Home,” he croaked.  “With my mama.  She offered me a place to stay.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Piper agreed.

Will took a deep breath.  He could do this.  He could go back to Texas.  He could call up his mom and tell her he wanted to be with her for a little while.  “Okay,” he whispered.  “Okay.”

“Maybe you and I should go out sometime,” Piper suggested.  “Would you like to go on runs with me in the morning until you leave?”

Will shrugged.  He didn’t really want to wake up early.  He didn’t want to move at all.

“Think about it, okay?” Piper said when Will didn’t give a definite answer.  “And–”

Piper was cut off by the sound of footsteps outside the door and the jingling of keys.  

“Jason?” Will whispered.

“He wasn’t supposed to be home until later,” Piper told him.  “It’s okay.  I won’t say anything.”

Will nodded, but he still felt his pulse spike when the front door opened and Jason walked in.  Jason looked surprised when he saw Will, but collected himself and said, “Hey, Pipes.  Will.”

“Hey, Sparky.  I wasn’t expecting you to come back for a few hours,” Piper said.  Will offered Jason a weak smile.  Jason didn’t return it.

“I decided to come back to change clothes; it’s not as cold as I thought it would be and I’m suffocating working on that temple for Ponos.  I swear he’s making it harder on us than it needs to be.  But anyway, I wasn’t expecting to find you here, Will.  What’s going on?”  Jason looked from Piper to Will skeptically.  Will avoided his eyes.

“He’s just having a bad day,” Piper answered.

Jason made an unsympathetic sound and folded his arms.  Ever since Nico had died, there had been an odd tension between the two of them.  A part of Will wondered if Jason blamed him for what had happened to Nico; maybe Jason had expected Will to be able to heal Nico.  Maybe he’d expected Will to stop Nico from doing something reckless.

Maybe Will agreed.

“I haven’t seen you around much,” Jason said callously.

“Jason,” Piper said with a warning voice.

“Well, I haven’t,” Jason insisted.  “He’s been hiding himself away.  It might make people worry.”

“Jason, please,” said Piper.  “Let’s not do this now.”

“Why not?” Jason asked, his tone harsh.  “It’s not like I’ll see him for another month or so.  No one sees him anymore.  We might not get another chance to talk.”

Will frowned.  “What do you mean?” he asked.  He’d realized that Jason wasn’t happy with him, but he hadn’t picked up on this amount of anger before.

“Do you even miss him?” Jason demanded.  

Piper shouted Jason’s name in objection.

“What?” Will asked, ignoring Piper.  “Jason, of course I miss him!  I love him!”

“Really?” Jason asked, and Will felt the air crackle with static electricity.  “Because you haven’t acted like it.  Have you visited his grave at all, Will?  Do you pray for him?  Have you made sacrifices at Pluto’s temple?  Because I haven’t seen you do anything but mope around, feeling sorry for yourself.  I know you’ve been drinking – we all know.  You think _that’s_ the way to mourn?  You think that shows that you love and respect Nico?”

“Jason–”

“We’re all hurting, Will!  He was like a brother to me – you _know_ that.  But you’re being so fucking selfish!”

“Jason!” Piper shouted again, this time pouring charmspeak into her voice so thickly that Will could sense it.  “That’s enough!”

But Will had already stumbled back, covering his mouth in shock.  He _was_ being selfish.  He was going behind Nico’s back, but that wasn’t all.  He _hadn’t_ been to Nico’s grave since the funeral.  He hadn’t made sacrifices to Pluto.  He’d been locking himself away, wallowing in self-pity, ignoring the fact that others were hurting, too.

“Maybe we _need_ you, Will!” Jason shouted.  “We need your help to get through all this.”

“I...I can’t help,” Will said.  “I can’t help anyone.”

“Bullshit,” Jason objected.

“Jason, I can’t,” Will insisted, his voice cracking.  “I can’t.  I’m such a mess.  I can’t...you can’t ask me to help people.  I can’t even help myself.”

“Well, maybe if you got out of your house–”

“When I go out, bad things happen,” Will blurted out.  Jason snorted incredulously and rolled his eyes.  “I’ve been sleeping with other people,” Will whispered, but judging by the way Jason fell still, he must’ve heard.

Piper reached out and took Will’s hand.

“You’ve been....” Jason started, then he trailed off, his expression going stone cold.  “You’ve been sleeping with other people.”

Will looked away.  

There was a horrible moment of silence before: “Nico really must’ve meant nothing to you.”

“Jason!” Piper scolded.

“Was the sex all you used Nico for?” Jason said, raising his voice over Piper’s.  “Are you just replacing Nico with other people?  He loved you, Will.  And this is how you treat his memory?”

“No, Jason, no, I–”

“I don’t think it’s because you’re upset.  It’s not because you’re mourning.  It’s because you’re a fucking _slut_ and you never loved Nico!”

 _“Jason Grace!”_ Piper shouted.

At the sound of Piper’s voice, Jason snapped his head to look at her and froze.  Even Will, who hadn’t felt the brunt of Piper’s charmspeak, he still felt like he’d been reprimanded and his head dropped in shame.

But the words that rang in his ears were Jason’s, not Piper’s.

Piper’s eyes were narrowed in anger and her jaw set aggressively as she looked at Jason.  “You’re accusing _Will_ of disrespecting Nico, but look at how you’ve treated the person Nico loved,” Piper said coldly.  “Do you really think Nico would approve of this?”

Jason visibly swallowed.  “Oh, gods,” he whispered.  “Will, I....”

“Jason, you’ve done enough,” Piper snapped.  “I’m taking Will home.  You’d better be ready to talk about this when I get back.”  She placed a hand on Will’s shoulder.  “C’mon, Will.”

At Piper’s direction, Will stood and followed her out of the apartment.  When she started to walk, Will fell in step beside her.  He could feel her eyes on him, but he pretended not to; whatever Piper had to say, Will didn’t want to hear it.

They were well over halfway to Will’s apartment when Piper spoke up.

“Will, Jason’s wrong,” Piper said.  “He’s upset and he’s not thinking and he’s saying things that aren’t at all true.  You love Nico – and honestly, don’t you think _I’m_ a better authority on love than Jason?”

Will nodded quietly.

“You are _not_ broken,” she insisted.  “You are _not_ a slut.  You just lost the love of your life and it’s _okay_ to not be okay.  You _can_ get better and I’m going to help you.”

“Piper, what can I do without him?” Will whispered.  “He was supposed to be my future.”

“He still can be,” Piper said as they turned onto Will’s street.  “You don’t have to stop loving him just because he’s not here.  I know I won’t.  You can still think about him.  You can talk about him.  You can miss him.  And I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I’d really like to see you get better for him.”

Will bit his lip.  He actually didn’t hate hearing that from Piper.

Will unlocked the apartment and let Piper in.  A part of him wanted Piper to leave so that he could be alone, but he said nothing.  Maybe he was more afraid of being by himself.  He was afraid of hearing Nico’s voice, of hearing Jason’s voice....

When he turned around to look at Piper and saw the sad expression on her face, he couldn’t stop himself from crying.  Piper opened her arms to offer a hug.

Will accepted.

 

*   *   *

 

In the end, Will called his mother and by late November, he’d made arrangements to move back in with her for a while.  In some ways, the move was a relief.  He wouldn’t have to face the people that Nico had known and loved all the time.  He  wouldn’t have to stay in the apartment he’d shared with Nico, constantly reminded of their time together.  He wouldn’t be able to cut himself off from everyone anymore.

In other ways, the move was horribly painful.  Will had to leave behind the first place that he and Nico had lived together.  They’d only moved in with each other about 4 months before Nico died and had only just begun to learn each other’s habits.  He learned that Nico squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom up and that he had a habit of putting the toilet paper roll on backwards.  He found out that Nico not only liked to cook, but was fairly good at it, too.

Will wondered what else he’d missed out on learning.

Hazel helped Will sort through Nico’s things; some of his possessions went into storage, others were donated, and some things they decided to give to people who were close to Nico.  When Hazel found Nico’s ring on the dresser, she picked it up and offered it to Will.  “You’re keeping this, right?” she asked.

Will faltered.  Even when Hazel had insisted that Will take the ring at Nico’s funeral, Will hadn’t felt right taking it.  Now, he felt even more guilty about it.  “I don’t know, Hazel,” Will said.  “It was a gift from Bianca.  Maybe it’s best to keep it in the family.”

Hazel’s face fell in disappointment and she shook her head.  “Maybe it’s old-fashioned of me,” Hazel said, “but I think of rings as a sign of commitment and love.  Something tells me that you’re the person Nico would want his ring to go to.”  She reached out and took Will’s hand, dropped the ring into his palm, and curled Will’s fingers around it.  “I want you to take it, Will.”

Will bit his lip.  “Hazel, I’m not sure that he _would_ want it to go to me,” he said softly.  “I...I haven’t treated his memory very well.”

Hazel sighed and patted Will’s hand again.  “Jason told me,” Hazel said.  “I still stand by what I said.”

Will froze.  “Oh,” he said dumbly.  He didn’t know how to respond.  Should he apologize?  He wanted to apologize, but he got the feeling that an apology wasn’t what Hazel wanted from him.  She wouldn’t want him to make excuses, either.  “Hazel, I....” he started, but he couldn’t come up with anything more to say.

A few moments of silence ticked by before Hazel spoke up again.  “Let’s pack,” she said, turning her back to continue rummaging through the dresser.

Will was startled by the sudden change in conversation.  He couldn’t just keep going like Hazel had said nothing – he needed to know what Hazel was thinking.  “Wait, can’t we talk about this?”

“About what, Will?” Hazel asked as she turned back around, her voice unnaturally steady.  “About how you went behind my dead brother’s back and slept with other people?  About how he’s only been gone two months and you’re disrespecting him like this?  You already know what you’ve done, Will.  My only question is, do you care?”

Will’s mouth felt dry.  He knew he’d screwed up, but he’d never thought he’d hear Hazel doubt whether or not he cared for Nico.  It was even worse coming from Hazel than it had been from Jason.  Jason had reacted with anger in the heat of the moment; Hazel had had time to think about it.  “Hazel, of course I care.  It’s ripping me apart – I miss him so much and I’m...I’m....”  Will broke off, his eyes stinging with tears, and he looked away.  “I’m not...I’m not trying to replace him or trying to move on...I just....”

“And yet you keep doing it,” Hazel snapped.  “Don’t you know how...how _scared_ I am that I messed up the funeral?  With how mangled his body was, what if I didn’t treat it properly?  What if he didn’t make it?  What if his spirit is lost and floating around without a home, angry with me because I didn’t send him off the right way?  What if he’s seeing you run around with other people so soon after he died – how do you think he’d feel, Will?”

Will covered his mouth to stifle a sob, gripping the ring in his palm so tightly that it bore into his skin.  “I know, Hazel, I know.  I’m screwing up, I’m letting him down, I’m....”

“You _know_ how important mourning rituals were to him, Will!” Hazel said.  “And you, the boyfriend of the dead son of Hades, should honor that!”

Will nodded quickly.  He _did_ know, but he’d never stopped to think about how afraid _Hazel_ was, too.  He kept forgetting that he wasn’t the only one who was hurting.  “Hazel, I’m so sorry.  I’m just so...so lost.  I don’t know how to make up for this.”

“Well, then, I’ll tell you how,” Hazel said.  “You’re going to get better.  You’re going to let yourself mourn.  You’re going to heal.  You’re going to go home to be with family and you’re going to get whatever you need to start feeling like the man my brother loved again.”

“Yes, Hazel, anything,” Will agreed.

“I’m still here for you,” Hazel added.  “Reyna is, too.  She and I have been talking a lot; we’re helping each other through it and I thought that maybe you’d like to join us.  I just don’t want you to be alone.  And maybe this move will be good for you – a change of scenery, some time with family.  It could help.  Just...please, Will.  Don’t give up.  For Nico.”

Will nodded.  “I’m going to try my best,” he promised.

Hazel took a deep breath.  “Okay.  That’s all I can ask for.  I believe in you, Will.”

Will looked aside, unsure of how to respond.  He wasn’t even sure if he believed in himself.

“And, look, from what I understand, Jason was a total ass to you,” she added.  “Whatever he said was said out of anger.  You are a great guy, Will.  I know it.  Nico knew it.  And Jason knows it, too, even if he is being a butthead.”

Will smiled weakly.  “Thanks, Hazel,” he said.  “I appreciate you saying that.”

“I’d appreciate it if you’d believe it,” Hazel shot back.  “Let’s try to get through the rest of the clothes, okay?  Then we’ll take a break and splurge on some chocolate cake.  We deserve it.”

 

*   *   *

  

Will’s flight to Texas was only a few days later.  It was harder to leave than he’d imagined it would be.

He’d already said goodbye to the apartment when he cleaned it out, but it still hurt when he closed the door for the last time.

He wandered around New Rome for a while to get one last look at the city before he left.  Will was sure that he’d be back someday, he just didn’t know when.  It might be several years, or maybe just a few months.  Will didn’t know.  Regardless, he wanted to see all the spots that had been important to him and Nico.  He went through the park where he and Nico used to study and remembered the way that Nico would lay his head in Will’s lap while he read.  Will went to the arena where he used to go to support Nico while he trained.  He recalled the way Nico would blush and flip him off when Will wolf-whistled while watching his boyfriend take off his shirt.  Will even pushed aside his fear and went to the temple of Pluto, bearing the feeling of oppression radiating from Nico’s father’s temple so that he could pray to the Lord of the Dead.  

And the last place Will went was the mausoleum where he knew Nico’s ashes were held.

He hadn’t been there since the funeral.  There had been several times that he’d _tried_ to go, or times that he’d looked at the mausoleum from afar, but he’d never been brave enough to actually venture inside the cemetery.  He’d been too afraid to face Nico, even if the mausoleum only held the remnants of his body.

Will took a deep breath before stepping inside.  

Although he’d only been there once, he knew where Nico’s urn was and went straight towards it.  The urn had been beautifully crafted by some children of Vulcan and Hephaestus.  It was black in color and rather simple; Will and Hazel had agreed that Nico would prefer it that way.  Leo had explained to Will that it was an alloy of Stygian iron, which was what gave it the silvery sheen that Stygian iron lacked.  

It was beautiful.  Nico would have approved.

Will composed himself before approaching Nico’s urn and kneeling, then he reached into the backpack he’d brought with him and pulled out a small candle and a matchbox.  The hiss of the flame when Will lit a match was sharp in the silence of the mausoleum, and the bright light frightened Will.  He still felt a little uneasy around fire, even small ones.

Will lit the candle and put out the match, then he rubbed his palms on his thighs nervously.

“Well,” he said.  “I’m finally here.  Sorry I didn’t come sooner.  Well, really, I’m sorry about a lot of things, but, I...uh....”  Will let out a sigh in frustration.  “I’m going to start over.”

After clearing his throat and composing himself, Will said, “I screwed up.  I know I screwed up.  I’m _still_ screwed up.  Sometimes I still feel like running, like forgetting, like doing anything I can to take my mind off you.  So I’m going home for a while.  Hopefully, that’ll help me get back on my feet.  I’m going to try.

“Um, anyway, the first time I...the first time I got, you know, _lost,_ I lit a candle like this and I thought about you.  I had the idea that maybe this could be our thing, you know?  When I’m missing you, I can light a candle and talk to you.  Maybe that’ll help me.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I’m doing at all, to be honest.”

Will rubbed his hands over his face and groaned.  This really wasn’t going well.  He’d meant to go to the tomb to pray to Nico, to ask for forgiveness, and to express his grief.

“I’m sorry, Nico,” he whispered.  “I’m so, so sorry.  I have wronged you.  I have wronged myself.  I have wronged strangers.  I have wronged your friends and family.  And it’s all because I miss you.  I’m...I’m not okay, Nico.  Not at all.”

Will’s voice cracked and suddenly, the words stopped coming.  He couldn’t tell Nico exactly how much pain he was in.  

So instead, he hummed.  

He created a tune filled with longing and melancholy, pouring all the agony he felt into the low, steady rhythm.  He composed a story about the dull, surreal pain of losing the man he loved, of knowing that he’d never hold him in his arms again, and of the guilt he’d felt for surviving and for the way he’d attempted to bury this feelings underneath a string of unhealthy affairs.  He hummed to the memory of the ravenous fire that had torn Nico away from Will, about the fear that still jolted through him when he looked at a flame even as small as the one before him.  He poured his dreams and nightmares and waking visions into the music; the scenes he shared with Nico when he slept and the memories that he was unable to evade when his eyes were open.

And when the words finally came to him, Will opened his mouth and sang.

 _I feel the heat though months have passed,_  
_I hear the roar of the blaze._  
_I smell the ash,_  
_the burning gas._  
_I see like it’s been but days._

 _The clouds of ash block out the moon,_  
_There’s walls of smoke, sparks, and fire._  
_To me, it’s new;_  
_the way you flew,_  
_not from, but into your pyre._

 _My heart has fled yet the pain still clings._  
_I feel the phantoms of scars._  
_My eyes still sting,_  
_my ears still ring_  
_on nights forgotten by stars._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Me, September 18, 2016:** I'm done with this fic  
>  **Me, October 25, 2016:** Okay, _NOW_ I'm done with this fic!  
>  **Me, Present Time:** lol, nope :P
> 
> Also, please be patient with me on updates :) This fic is kind of hard to write, plus I've got a busy semester. I'd love to hear back from you guys; comments are what keep me motivated!


	2. Cinnamon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Sheepish wave._ So...uh...stuff happened. Sorry for the wait.  
>  Just a reminder, this fic contains _heavy angst_. Take care of yourself, and don't forget -- there _will_ be a happy ending.

Naomi Solace was, in some ways, the picture-perfect southern mother.  Her honey-golden curls were always impeccably styled, her lipstick just the right shade, and every single one of her fingernails was perfectly manicured.  She walked with her chin held high and a smile on her face, and with every click of her boots’ heels, she radiated confidence and charm.  She had a vibrant, colorful personality and was always quick to quip, but could say more by raising one flawlessly groomed eyebrow than most people could say in an entire conversation.

In other ways, Naomi Solace was...well, a bit unconventional.  She was a wild, free-spirited kind of woman.  During her late teen years, she’d gotten into trouble with her record company when she ended up pregnant out of wedlock.  Unemployed, rejected by her family, and pregnant with her unborn son, Naomi had gone through a rough patch in her youth.  Still, Naomi, always confident and resilient, managed to make a deal with another record company.  Her popularity surged and she launched a successful career as a country singer until she discovered her passion for entrepreneurship and shifted to the role of a producer.  Her early experiences had made Naomi humble, but thick skinned.  She was completely unconcerned about her reputation – although she always did put in the effort to look her best – but she hardly needed to worry about what others thought of her.  Naomi Solace had already made a name for herself; she could get away with doing pretty much whatever she wanted.

When Will met her in the Austin airport, Naomi was wearing dark jeans tucked into a pair of two-toned boots, a cream-colored sweater, and a long, chunky necklace with a tan, corduroy coat slung over her arm.  She was busily typing away on her phone when Will stepped off the escalator, but then she glanced up, smiled, and waved, stowing her phone inside her pocket.

“Hey, sweetpea,” Naomi said, pulling Will in for a hug when he approached her.  Naomi was a tall woman, but Will had several inches on her.  Still, his mama’s hugs always made him feel like a little boy again.

“Hey, Mama,” he answered, breathing in the smell of cinnamon that seemed to follow Naomi everywhere, no matter what the season.  “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too, honey bun,” she replied.  She gave him one last squeeze before releasing him and said, “I’ve got a little surprise waiting for you at home.”

Will tried to smile for her, but he knew it must’ve looked fake.  “Oh yeah?” he asked.

“Mhmm,” she said.  “I think you’ll like it.  Let’s hurry up and get your bags and we might still be early enough to get somethin’ good at Franklin’s Barbecue.”

Will nodded.  “Sounds good, Mama.”

Another way in which Naomi was a bit unconventional for a southern mother was her complete lack of cooking skills.  There was always plenty of food in the Solace house and she never let a guest go hungry, but if Naomi Solace was the one cooking...well, as Naomi herself liked to say, “if you see me in a kitchen, then Lord help us all.”  She did, however, absolutely love food and she had wonderful taste.  Will trusted her word when it came to food and had tried some odd things at her request – she’d once even convinced Will to eat jellyfish.

After picking up some brisket, Naomi drove Will to her 2-story, 5-bedroom mansion of a home, where she lived with two dogs, a scarlet macaw, two cats, and a pond full of koi.

Actually, make that three cats.

Once inside, Naomi dropped off their take-out in the kitchen, told Will to wait right where he was, then hurried away, only to reemerge with a tiny Siamese kitten.

“You’re kidding me,” Will said, unable to keep the corner of his mouth from quirking up.  “You got _another_ cat?  Mama, at this rate, you’re going to end up with a whole zoo of animals.”

“Oh, I’ll just buy a bigger house,” Naomi said dismissively.  “I found this little critter shivering in a ditch while I was out walking Dixie and Scout.  She was all wet and muddy.  It’d been storming the night before – isn’t that right, Puddin’?”  Naomi held up her kitten and made kissy faces at it, laughing when it licked her nose.

“‘Puddin’?’” Will asked, giving his mother an unamused look.  ’Puddin’’ was what she’d called _Will_ when he was a boy.   _Will_ was supposed to be her Puddin’.

“Oh, don’t be jealous, she’s a cat,” Naomi said with a roll of her eyes.  “Besides, look at that face.  How could you stay mad at that face?”  She held her kitten out for Will to see, giving him a pouty face that put Nico’s to shame.

Nico.

Will forced that thought back down.  “You say the same thing about Jellybean, but that parrot is _evil,”_ he said.

“Quit your bellyachin’, young man,” Naomi snapped.  “You and Jellybean need to work out your issues.  I have half a mind to keep him in your room until you two start getting along.”

“Please don’t,” Will said.  He hated that parrot with every fiber of his being.  It screeched at Will and bit Will whenever Will tried to feed it.  Nico had always found it hilarious whenever the two of them went to visit Naomi together.

Will swallowed a lump in his throat.  “Anyway, how do the dogs like her?” he asked.  

“Dixie’s scared to death, of course,” Naomi said.  Will smiled weakly.  Dixie, their pit bull mix, was absolutely terrified of cats.  Scout, on the other hand, was a Labrador mix who absolutely adored cats and loved to cuddle with them.  “Scout’s a bit protective of her.  Puddin’ likes to run around outside – takes after Lulu that way, crazy cat that she is – but Scout’s always makin’ sure that she doesn’t let Puddin’ out of her sight.”

“Cute,” Will said.  “And Stumpy’s doing alright?”  Stumpy was an older orange tabby cat with a short stump of a tail – either the result of an accident or a congenital anomaly, Will wasn’t sure.  Stumpy wasn’t a short-tailed breed.

“He was sleeping in your bed when I left,” Naomi said, setting Puddin’ back down when she started to squirm and meow.  “He likes Puddin’.  He’s always grooming her.  And Lulu loves to play with her, but sometimes she can get too rough for a little kitten, so I have to keep an eye on her.  If Scout’s around, she usually takes care of it for me – she’s such a good dog.  Anyway, we’d better eat before the food gets cold.  I did _not_ wait in line for an hour just to have cold barbecue.”

Will smiled weakly.  That was another way that Naomi Solace was the picture-perfect southern mother.  She always made sure her boy had plenty to eat.

 

Naomi put Will up in what was considered “his” room, even though he barely ever used it.  He’d spent most of his teenage and preteen years at Camp Half-Blood, and throughout his early childhood, he and Naomi had lived in a much more modest home.  Still, one look was enough to prove that it had been his childhood bedroom.  The walls were painted a light shade of yellow and littered with posters of Will’s favorite movies, bands, and musicians from the 90’s and early 2000’s.  There were shelves covered with youth basketball and spelling bee trophies, science fair ribbons, and pictures of Will and Naomi on vacation.  The bed was covered by a yellow, orange, and white quilt and it was so plush that Will sank into the mattress when he sat down.  He couldn’t remember ever feeling something so soft.  Except....

_Nico’s hair.  Nico’s lips.  Nico’s gentle smile._

He spent several hours staring at the white ceiling, listening to the sound of the wind against his windows and the occasional jingle of a bell as one of the cats – probably Lulu – ran by his door.  It was probably well after midnight when Stumpy pawed his door open and clumsily climbed onto Will’s bed to sleep curled up against Will’s side.

Will might’ve dozed for a bit – he wasn’t sure.  He only knew that at approximately two in the morning he was staring blankly at the backs of his eyelids with an overweight cat pressed up against him while he lay on a mattress so soft it might’ve been made by clouds, yet did nothing to ease his discomfort.

Half past three, Will finally slid out of bed, ignoring the protests of a rather disgruntled Stumpy, and crept out of his room and down the stairs.  Remembering his words at Nico’s grave, Will snatched a candle from one of the sconces in the dining room.  Scout, the golden-faun colored Labrador mix, must’ve heard him, because she showed up at his heels as he padded into the kitchen.

“Quiet, girl,” he whispered, scratching the dog’s ear when she whined and nudged his thigh.  “Don’t want to wake Mama up, do we?”

Naomi was an extravagant woman, so the Solace kitchen was wastefully beautiful, considering that it was rarely ever used.  Top of the line appliances, custom-made cabinets, and gorgeous granite countertops amounted to a cooking space that would make any chef jealous.  It was a shame that neither Naomi nor Will could cook.  Naomi’s housekeeper, Mrs. Moore, used to cook for her, but Mrs. Moore had been gone for a few years.

Nico could cook.  He’d made use of this kitchen on more than one occasion.

Will closed his eyes and swallowed, then he dug around in the kitchen until he found a lighter.  Scout nudged him again before leading him to the back door, where she was joined by Dixie, the pit bull mix with a black brindle coat.  She sat next to Scout as Scout whimpered and pawed at the door, so Will sighed, grabbed his coat, slipped on a pair of shoes, and went outside with the dogs.

Scout and Dixie immediately ran out to chase each other through the light dusting of snow that covered Naomi’s wide lawn.  Will shut the door behind himself, then he walked across the deck to sit on the white wicker bench overlooking the yard and set the candle down on the table in front of him.  His cold fingers fumbled with the lighter for a bit, but eventually, he got it to work and managed to light the candle.

He still felt a twinge of fear when he looked at the little flame.  It still reminded him of the inferno that had stolen Nico away from him.

Several moments later, Will heard the back door click open and his mother stepped onto the deck, wearing a green pea coat over her pajamas.  She was holding two steaming mugs of what smelled like hot chocolate and had a blanket thrown over her arm.

“Hey, pumpkin,” Naomi said, shutting the door behind her and raising the mugs she was holding.  “Mind if I join you?”

Will smiled, remembering how Nico had once asked, _‘Why do all your mom’s nicknames for you have something to do with food?’_

 _‘Because food is wonderful, Mr. di Angelo,’_ Will had replied. _’And I am also wonderful.’_

Nico had scoffed, but grinned.   _’You and your ego.  Remind me why I put up with this?’_

 _‘Because you think it’s hot,’_ had been Will’s answer.

 _‘I do,’_ Nico had admitted with a chuckle.   _’I think everything about you is hot.’_

_‘You’re certainly lucky to be dating me, huh?’_

Nico had laughed.   _’Not as lucky as you are to be dating me.’_

“Plenty of room,” Will told his mother, gesturing to the empty space on the wicker bench beside him.

Naomi gave him a warm smile and sat down next to him, set the two mugs down on the table, and wrapped the blanket around their shoulders.

“I thought we could use something warm and sweet,” she said, plucking up one mug and handing it to Will.  “Hot cocoa is of the few things I’m proud to say I can make just right.”

The corner of Will’s mouth turned up.  “Well, it’s also the most important thing, so I think you’re an angel in the kitchen.”

Naomi chuckled.  “You always know how to sweet talk your mama.”

Will tried to smile for her, but it fell flat.  Instead, he turned away to watch the dogs run through the thin sheet of snow.

Naomi followed his gaze.  “Those damn dogs,” she said as Scout ran into the koi pond.  “They never leave my fish alone.”

“You’ve got too many animals, Mama,” Will said, lifting his mug to take a sip of hot chocolate.

“No such thing,” Naomi replied.  “I was thinkin’ about gettin’ a few goats.  I could make a nice pen over in that corner and–”

“Mama, _no,”_ Will objected.  “No goats.  You don’t have time to deal with the upkeep.”

“But we could make homemade goat cheese!”

“We could _buy_ homemade goat cheese from the McCarthy’s,” Will pointed out, referring to the family whose farm was on the outskirts of the city.  “They’re probably better at it than we could ever be, anyway.”

Naomi sighed, resting her mug of hot chocolate in her lap.  “You’re probably right.  Maybe another bird...or a great big fish tank.  I could get some beautiful tropical fish; they’d look wonderful in the dining room.  I’ll put a fresh coat of pretty blue paint on the walls.  Maybe I could even get an octopus!”

_“Mama.”_

“Oh, just a little one.”

Will shook his head.  “Mama, you’re too sweet for your own good,” he said.

Naomi chuckled, blowing steam from the rim of her mug.  “That’s not what the record companies say about me,” she said proudly.  “And anyway, you’re the sweet one of the two of us.”

Will’s gaze fell and he caught sight of the candle that sat forgotten on the table.  “I’m not so sure about that.”

Naomi sighed and took one last sip of hot chocolate before setting her mug down and taking her son’s hand.  “We need to talk about this, Will.”

Will nodded.  “I know,” he said.

Naomi squeezed Will’s hand while he nursed his hot chocolate, waiting for him to speak.  Will never once considered hiding what was really going on from her, but he was afraid.  His mother was the kindest, most understanding soul he’d ever known, but she was also a no-nonsense sort of woman.  Will hated disappointing her.

“I dream about him all the time,” he said.  “I dream about that night; sometimes I’m there with him, suffocating in that explosion.  Other times I get there fast enough to see him alive, but I can’t heal him no matter what I try and I end up losing him anyway – right before my eyes.  And sometimes I dream it exactly as it happened.  I watch the building burn, then I run inside, searching for him, so certain that I’ll find him alive, only to stumble upon a corpse.

“There are other dreams, too,” Will went on.  “Sometimes I find him sleeping, or knocked out, or in a coma or something.  He’s right there in front of me.  I can feel his hand.  I can see him breathe.  He’s alive, but he doesn’t look at me or talk to me.  He just lies there, completely still, like he has no idea I’m even there.  And those dreams are the worst because he’s _right there,_ yet I still can’t have him back.”

“Oh, honey pie, c’mere,” Naomi said, taking Will’s mug and setting it beside the still-burning candle so that she could hold Will against her chest.  Will closed his eyes, swallowing back the sob rising in his throat, and he listened to the strong thud of his mother’s heartbeat.  The steady rhythm was calming and grounding and eased the sharp cry of despair in his heart, even if it did not soothe it completely.

“Mama, I need to tell you something,” he whispered.

“You can tell me anything, pumpkin, you know that,” Naomi replied.

Will took a deep breath and pulled away.  He fixed his eyes on the little flame atop the candle, pulling his knees up to his chest out of the desire to make himself as small as possible.  “After he died, I...I slept with someone else,” Will whispered into his knees, as though hiding the words would make them less real.

“Oh, _honey–”_

“And not just one person, Mama.  There were _so many people._  I’d get drunk and I...I wasn’t even pretending they were Nico.  I just wanted to be touched so badly.  I wanted to be loved.  I still...Ma, it’s so hard.”

Naomi said nothing as she wrapped a comforting arm around his back.

“I love him so much,” Will said.  “I just don’t understand...why...why does he have to be gone?  Why couldn’t I save him?  Why do I have to _hurt_ so badly?  And I’m _angry,_ Mama.  I’m alone and I’m a mess and I’m so _pissed_ and I just...I want him back so badly, but I...I don’t deserve him.  After what I’ve done....”  Will broke off with a sob.  “Why did this have to happen?”

“Oh, baby boy,” she said, kissing the crown of his head.

“He was my everything and now he’s _gone._ I was going to have a life with him, Mama.  I was going to _marry_ him.  I might’ve had kids with him – we could’ve been _dads_ together.  But now he’s gone and I can’t find anything left to live for.  I can’t study.  I can’t go back to school.  I can’t be a doctor.  I can’t heal people.  And that...that was the only thing I was ever good at.”

“Oh, _Will,”_ she whispered.

Will sniffed and raised his hand to brush away his tears.  “When...when I feel like this or...or when I’ve done something wrong, I go off somewhere to be alone, and then I light a candle for him.  I tell him I miss him and I’m sorry.  I don’t know if he can even hear me.”

Naomi kissed his forehead.  “You know, you don’t have to be alone.”

Will finally looked up at his mother.  He could tell she was trying her best not to cry – she _never_ let Will see her cry.  But the expression on her face was so gentle and loving and Will couldn’t stop himself from leaning against her chest again.

“Tell me what I can do to help you,” she said softly, brushing her fingers through his hair.

“Please, just don’t leave me,” Will whispered.  “I can’t lose anyone else.”  He’d lost Nico, he’d lost Jason, and Hazel probably wasn’t pleased with him, either.  Who knew what everyone else thought of him?  Will wondered if word had already spread back in New Rome.  Will wondered if they were all disgusted by him.  

He would lose everyone and it was all because he’d lost himself.

“Sweetheart, I’m your mama,” Naomi said.  “There ain’t nothing you can do that would make me leave you.”

“What about _your_ mama?” Will asked before he could stop himself.

“Well,” Naomi said contemplatively.  “Ugly is as ugly does – and my mama’s so ugly she looks like she fell from a tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

Will smiled and even chuckled a little bit.  Naomi squeezed him against herself tightly.

“Hey, baby?”

“Yeah, Mama?”

“Tomorrow, I’m going to take you down to the STD clinic, okay?”

Will felt like she’d stabbed him with a hot knife.  The idea of getting tested made everything seem so much more real and reminded him of just how badly he might’ve screwed up.

“I...I used protection,” Will whispered.

“Good, sweetie, I’m proud of you,” Naomi said, kissing his hairline.  “But I’m still taking you, just in case.  I want to make sure my little boy is safe, okay?”

Will nodded.  

“And afterwards,” Naomi said, “How about we be a bit adventurous and check out this crazy sandwich shop I found down by the university?”

*  *  *

After taking Will to the clinic the following day, Naomi kept Will busy.  She took him with her when she went shopping and had him pick out a few new things for his room, which she was planning to remodel now that he’d be living in it.  His bedroom was the sunniest room in the house; he had huge windows nearly covering the east wall and a set of French doors that led out to a small balcony where he’d grown small plants when he’d lived there in his childhood.

Will’s mother had the house built when Will was in elementary school and they moved in when he was in 4th grade.  It was the summer before 5th grade that Will went to Camp Half-Blood for the first time, and the next year, he decided to stay at camp year-round.  With the onset of the Titan War, it became more and more dangerous to live in a densely populated city like Austin, even though Will and his mother lived on the outskirts.  After the death of his brother, Lee, it became clear that the world was becoming a more and more dangerous place for a demigod to be; even camp couldn’t guarantee complete safety.  After all, Lee had been killed within its borders.  Still, camp was the best place to be.

Will had gone back to visit his mother, of course.  He felt bad about leaving her in that huge house all by herself; every time he went back, she seemed to have remodeled a new room or two and was probably working on a third.  During her singing days, she had spent a lot of time touring with her band and, honestly, camp had been a convenient place for Will to stay while she was away.  He was safe, he was with family, and he was learning and having fun.  After her band retired and Naomi went into record production, she spent more time at home and although she never voiced it, Will could tell that she sometimes got lonely.  The sheer number of animals that Naomi had adopted was evidence of that.  Stumpy was the only one who had been around when Will was a kid; he could still remember when Naomi took him to the shelter to pick out a kitten.  But leave his mother alone for too long and...well, she’d fill her home with pretty things and beings to love.  That was just how she dealt with being alone; she’d busy herself in projects redesigning her home or she’d find a new pet.  For a long time, she’d had a housekeeper living with her, an older woman named Mrs. Moore who cooked for her and helped clean and care for the animals, but she’d moved out a year ago to care for her aging sister.  Will wished that Naomi would hire someone new; the house was hard to manage alone and she could use the company.  Naomi refused.  She’d been quite attached to Mrs. Moore and was resistant to bring in anyone new.

Anyway, Will figured that Naomi had been on her own for so long now that her desire to remodel her home was impossible to reign in.  She announced that the two of them were going to redo Will’s room to make it “more appropriate for a young man.”

So Naomi set Will up in a guest room and they spent the next several days running around Austin shopping.  After taking down Will’s posters, they repainted Will’s walls a bright, neutral color – Naomi insisted that Will keep his signed NSYNC poster after Will told her she could throw it away, citing his age-old crush on Justin Timberlake as reason enough to hang on to it forever.

The first time he’d brought Nico home with him, it had been fairly early in their relationship.  Nico had stayed in the guest room across the hall from Will, but he’d seen Will’s embarrassingly large collection of 90’s boy band memorabilia.  Before they’d traveled to Austin, Will had begged his mother to take down the posters, but she’d refused, saying that they were part of Will’s childhood and did he really want to keep secrets from Nico?

Will was fairly certain that Naomi had just been trying to embarrass him.

Nico had, of course, teased him when he discovered Will’s childhood celebrity crush, but not before he looked at Will with a puzzled expression and asked him “what’s NSYNC?” and “who’s Justin Timberlake?”  Will had been appalled at his boyfriend’s lack of cultural education and he’d spent the afternoon enlightening Nico by showing him 90’s music videos.

In any case, it was time to take the posters down.  Of course, remodeling didn’t stop with new paint and Naomi was a busy woman – which, by consequence, meant that Will was busy, too.  Later that week, when Naomi had to work, Naomi brought Will into the studio with her.  They went antique shopping – one of Naomi’s favorite things to do.  They tried out new restaurants.  They shopped for new bedroom furniture.  They walked the dogs.  They picked out new bedding.  They spent an entire afternoon lying on mattresses until Naomi found one she deemed good enough for her son.  (She’d been adamant about upgrading his bed from a twin to a larger size and Will was forced to talk her out of getting him a king – “But honey,” she’d insisted, “you’re just so _tall._  Are you sure you’ll be comfortable?”)

Will’s mother was the sort of person who liked to keep busy, but even this was a bit much for her.  Will knew what she was doing; she was trying to distract him.  She wanted to keep him active.  It was a nice gesture, but Will was tired; he just wanted to rest.

When he finally voiced that to his mother, she looked surprised.  “Of course,” she said.  “We can take an afternoon off.”

Will took what he could get, but he felt like he needed more than an afternoon off.  

As the week dragged on, Will realized that the anniversary of Bianca’s death was getting closer.  Nico used to visit the war memorial at Camp Half-Blood every year to leave a lock of his hair at his sister’s grave.  After they’d been dating for a while, Nico had asked Will to go with him.  Will had accompanied him every year since; he’d watch in reverent silence as Nico paid his respects and he would hold Nico’s hand if Nico started to cry.  It felt odd that Nico wouldn’t be able to go this year.

Well.  Will supposed _he_ still could.  It would be strange to go without Nico, but someone should go.  If not Nico, who?  Nico had been the only person Bianca had left.  Nico would want Will to go.

“Mama,” Will said a bit later that week.  He was sitting on the sofa with Stumpy in his lap while his mother played the piano.  It was something they’d gotten into the habit of doing every day after Will asked if they could slow down; Will would curl up with one of the animals – usually Stumpy, as he was the most likely to cuddle – and he would listen to his mother’s music.  When he called out to her, Naomi stopped playing and looked over her shoulder.

“Yeah, sweetie?” she asked.

“I’m thinking about going to New York,” Will said, scratching Stumpy behind his ears.  “Just for a day.”

“New York?” Naomi asked.  “What for?”

Will took a deep breath.  “Well, see, Nico’s sister died a few days before Christmas,” Will explained.  “He always used to go to the Camp Half-Blood war memorial on the anniversary and he’d pay his respects.  I thought that maybe I could go in his place.  I’d...I’d like to talk to her.”

He didn’t know if he was welcome.  He had, after all, dishonored Bianca di Angelo’s brother.  Still, he felt like he had to try.

Naomi looked him over critically before smiling.  “Will, I think that’s a wonderful idea.  I’ll get you on a flight – don’t you even worry about it.”

Naomi bought him a flight into New York; it was last minute, but she had no problem paying for it, especially if it was for her baby boy.  A few days before Will left, he finally received an email with the results of his STD tests.  Before opening it, he found Naomi and asked her to be with him when he read them.  The two of them sat side by side on the sofa in Naomi’s living room with Stumpy dozing lazily in Naomi’s lap as Will opened the PDF file attached to the email.  His hands shook nervously as he zoomed in and scrolled down the page.

“Well, look at that,” Naomi said.  “All negatives, honey.”

“Oh, gods,” Will said, dropping his phone into his lap and burying his face in his hands.  All negatives.  He was clean.  He was okay.  This was one way, at least, that he hadn’t screwed up.

“Will?” Naomi asked, rubbing his back.

“I didn’t realize how scared I was,” Will admitted.

“It’s alright, sugar.  I’m so _proud_ of you, Will.  I’m so happy you’re healthy.”

Will bit back a sob.  Gods, he wasn’t a complete fuck-up.  He’d taken the right precautions.  He’d been safe.

Naomi took him to the nursery to celebrate and had Will pick out some plants to grow in his room and move to his balcony in the summer.  He did like taking care of plants; gardening was calming.  He’d considered growing a little herb garden in the apartment he’d shared with Nico; Nico could’ve used the herbs when he cooked.  It would’ve worked nicely.  Nico was terrible at gardening but could cook well, and Will was a nightmare in the kitchen but had a green thumb.

Will selected aloe vera, chamomile, lavender, peppermint, and lemongrass.  They bought some pots, soil, and fertilizer, and when they got home, Naomi helped Will repot and they placed the plants on Will’s window sill.

“I’ll take care of them while you’re gone,” Naomi promised.  “Just write me up some instructions.”

So Will did, and when he left for New York later that week, Naomi saw him off with a smile and a kiss and made him promise to call her when he landed.

Will had a 2-hour layover in Chicago – the consequence of getting his flight so late – and he had nothing to do but sit and nibble on a cinnamon roll until his plane arrived.  He’d be in New York by about noon, then he’d take a cab to Long Island and walk into camp.  He only brought a small overnight bag, so he’d take it with him and check into his hotel that afternoon.

He had it all planned out.  There was a room reserved, he knew how to get a ride, and he had a way back to the airport the next day.  It was just a quick trip to camp to do something he’d done many times before.

Many times, but never alone.  Never without Nico.  What was he supposed to say?

He sat anxiously in the Chicago airport, on the plane, and in the cab, and then he was suddenly at Half-Blood Hill, standing in the same spot he’d been in when he ran into Nico during the Battle of Camp Half-Blood all those years ago, and he still had no idea what he was going to say to Bianca di Angelo.  Will avoided the populated areas of the camp as he made his way to the memorial behind the Hades cabin.  On his way past it, Will reached out and ran his fingertips over the dark exterior walls, remembering all the secret date nights he and Nico had there.  He wondered if the old TV set and Xbox were still there or if Nico had left behind some of his belongings when they moved to New Rome to go to college.

Will was almost tempted to walk inside.  Instead, he continued towards the memorial.

He found Bianca’s name easily; he used to find Nico sitting at the memorial when they were teenagers.  Will liked to go there, too.  He would look at the names of the brothers and sisters and friends that he’d lost in the wars.  It always soothed him.  Before they started dating, Nico had met him at the memorial a few times.  The whispered conversations they had over the graves of their loved ones had been one of the ways they’d gotten to know each other.

Will took a moment to look over his brothers’ and sisters’ names, and he whispered a few words to them, then he turned back to Bianca’s name and swallowed.

“Nico’s dead,” he said bluntly.  It was easier when he just stated the facts; the pain was sharp like a knife, but it wasn’t drawn out.  “I don’t know if he’s tried for rebirth or anything.  But he’s dead.  I couldn’t save him.  I’m sorry.”

Will shoved his cold hands into his pockets and shuffled his feet.  The barriers around Camp Half-Blood had let in some snow, causing Will to regret not bringing his gloves.

“I’ve messed things up,” Will whispered.  He didn’t need to speak loudly; he didn’t need to speak at all.  Either Bianca would hear him, or she wouldn’t.  The volume of his voice wouldn’t matter.  “I haven’t been mourning the right way.  Your brother...he....”

Will broke off and closed his eyes.  The words stopped coming.  Instead, he thought about how much he missed Bianca’s brother, about how sorry he was, about how much he wished Nico were there to pay his respects to his sister.  He should be the one at Bianca’s grave, not Will.

He shouldn’t have gone.  He was intruding.  He was an outsider pretending to be family.

Will wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there when he heard the crunch of snow behind him.  Campers generally shied away from the Hades cabin, so Will looked over his shoulder to see who was approaching, and was very surprised to see Percy.  Percy smiled at him and offered a small wave, then stopped beside him in front of the memorial.

“You here for Bianca?” Percy asked.

Will nodded.  “You too?”

“Yeah,” Percy said.  He reached forward and brushed away some snow that was covering Bianca’s name.  “I came in earlier today – been talking to Chiron and helping out some kids with sparring.”

Will was quiet for a moment while Percy stared reverently at the memorial, then, uneasy with the silence, he asked, “How’s your mama?”

“She’s great,” Percy answered.  “My sister started kindergarten, so she and Paul have a bit of a break now that she’s in school for a full day.”

“Good, good,” Will said absently.  “And Annabeth?”

“She’s doing well,” Percy replied.  “Working hard to get her MA, and then there’s all the remodeling that the gods are _still_ demanding for Olympus.  I’m doing the best I can to take care of her, you know?”

Will nodded.

“How about you?  I heard you’re staying with your mom for a while.”

“I’m fine,” Will said without bothering to put much thought into his answer.  “It’s fine.”

Will could’ve sworn that he felt the way Percy’s eyes narrowed.  “Will,” Percy said.

“What?”

Percy sighed and shook his head, toeing at a clot of grass on the ground.  “I pray for her sometimes, you know,” he said, and when Will gave him a puzzled look, Percy nodded to the memorial.  “Bianca.  I have ever since....”  Percy broke off, swallowing.  “I was there.  I saw it happen.  I promised Nico that I wouldn’t let her get hurt, but I....”

“He didn’t blame you,” Will said.  “Maybe he held a grudge for a little while, but he let go of it.”

“That doesn’t stop me from feeling responsible for it,” Percy answered softly.

Will nodded.  He understood the feeling.

“I pray for her, too,” Will whispered.  “I never knew her, but she was so important to Nico.  And Nico...Nico was all that was left of her.  Now that he’s gone, who’s going to honor her?  So I...I figured that this was the least I could do.  For Nico.  For Bianca.”

The two stood in silence for a moment.  Will ignored the cold air biting his cheeks, he ignored the way his nose felt like it had frozen solid.  He’d nearly forgotten that Percy was even there until Percy asked, “What did you say to her?”

Will sighed.  “I told her that I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For hurting her brother.  I should’ve been able to save him.  I shouldn’t have let him die.  I should’ve kept him safe.”

“Will–”

“And the things I’ve done since then,” Will went on, ignoring Percy when he tried to interrupt.  “I’ve wronged him.  I haven’t honored him.  I loved him, Percy – I really did.  But the things I’ve done since then....”  He chuckled mirthlessly.  “Well, no one would be able to guess that I loved him.”

“Will, that’s not true,” Percy said.

“Do you even–”

“Yes,” Percy interrupted, before Will could even finish asking.  “I heard about it.”

“Of course,” Will muttered.  Everyone would have heard by now.  They all knew how screwed up he was.  They probably were sickened by him.  They were furious.  They hated Will for what he’d done to Nico.

“Will, I know what you’re thinking,” Percy said.  “Look, we weren’t trying to go behind your back.  We don’t blame you and we aren’t angry; we’re worried.  We all know you’re a good guy.  You’re not acting like yourself and we miss you.  We want to know how we can help.”

Will shrugged.  He didn’t believe Percy, but there wasn’t much of a point in fighting him.  He was too tired for that.  “It’s so fucked up,” he muttered, kicking at a patch of grass.

“What is?”

 _“Everything,”_ Will scowled.  “He’s dead.  Bianca’s dead.  I’m a disaster.  Fuck, Percy, we didn’t even have a body to perform the usual funeral rites on.  He’s _Hades’ son_ and he didn’t...Percy, what if...what if he hasn’t made it down there?  What if he’s just a lost soul, like the ones he used to talk about?  And after everything I’ve done to him, after how I’ve _betrayed_ him....”

“Will, stop,” Percy said.  “You haven’t betrayed him.  You love him, don’t you?”

“Gods, yes,” Will answered, his voice cracking.

“Then you haven’t betrayed him.  He’s in your heart and he always will be.  And anyway, I don’t think that Hades would let Nico’s soul just wander around.”

Will blinked back his tears and turned away.

“Where are you staying?” Percy asked.

“Near the airport,” Will answered.  “I’m flying out tomorrow morning.”

“I could give you a ride,” Percy offered.  “Or you could stay with Annabeth and I, if you want.  Which airport?”

“La Guardia,” Will answered.

“Oh, we don’t live far from there,” Percy said.  “I can’t offer you a bed, but we do have a nice couch.  You can join us for dinner and we’ll send you off with a good breakfast.”

“I don’t want to impose–”

“Annabeth would be happy to have you,” Percy added.  “So would I.  And, Will, I don’t want you to have to be alone.  You’re a friend.  I _want_ you to stay with us for the night.”

Will wanted to say no.  He didn’t like the idea of spending more time around other people.  It wasn’t that he had a problem with Percy; he liked the guy.  He just didn’t have the energy to keep talking.  It was exhausting to be around others; they wanted to have conversations and they’d ask Will how he was feeling and Will would have to pretend to be okay because he didn’t want to burden them.

Or maybe it was because he was afraid of the reactions he might get – the disappointed sighs, the reprimands, the misunderstandings, the pity, the attempts at consolation, and whatever else they might do and say.  There wasn’t a point in talking.  It hurt too much and he didn’t see any rewards for doing it.

But Will surprised himself by looking at the snow-covered toes of Percy’s shoes and nodding.  “Okay,” he relented.  “One night.”

Will could hear the grin in Percy’s voice when he said: “Great!  Annabeth should be back home in a few hours.  I’ll give her a call.  Oh, and I don’t think Austin lives too far.  Why don’t we invite him out to dinner tonight?  My treat.”

Will wanted to back out.  Just Percy and Annabeth was one thing, but his little brother, as well?  That was too many people.  And Austin was supposed to look up to Will.  Will was supposed to be the big brother and role model.  How could he let Austin see him like this?

But Will shrugged.  “Okay.”

“Cool,” Percy said happily.  He swung an arm around Will’s shoulder and pulled him into a one-armed hug.  Will wasn’t fast enough to return it, but he accepted.

Percy babbled on about Annabeth and his mom, sister, and stepdad in the car on their way to the apartment.  He asked Will if he liked Mediterranean food, then suggested they eat dinner at a Greek place owned by a son of Demeter that opened up down the street from where he lived with Annabeth.  Will listened silently, and if Percy took offense at his lack of response, he didn’t show it.  He was polite and friendly, likely in an attempt to make Will feel more comfortable.

When they arrived, Percy told Will to make himself at home while he hurried to the kitchen to wash the dishes – “I promised Annabeth I’d get it all done today,” he explained.  “Trust me, you do _not_ want to see her angry.”

Percy continued to talk while Will sat awkwardly on the couch.  He figured he ought to offer to help, but he was too tired.  Percy would tell him not to worry about it, anyway.

Percy finished quickly and joined Will.  He chatted for a little while longer before – “So how are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” Will said.  He was pretty sure he’d already told Percy as much.

Percy acknowledged that answer with silence, but Will knew that he wasn’t satisfied.  Still, Percy didn’t push – at least, not at first.

“So what have you been up to in Texas?” Percy asked.

Will shrugged.  “Just staying around the house, I suppose,” he said.  “Mama’s redoing my room, so she’s been taking me out a lot to furniture shop.”

“Awesome,” Percy said, and he sounded like he meant it.  “Annabeth’s dying to remodel.  We won’t live here forever, but I know she wants to make it feel more like home.  Once she graduates and we’re a bit more stable, her dream is to buy some land and build a house for us.”

“That sounds nice,” Will said.  He and Nico used to have dreams like that.  They used to talk about buying a place in New Rome, and maybe owning a cabin in Colorado, where they could escape to when they just wanted to get away from it all.  They’d go skiing in the mountains during the day and curl up in front of the fireplace at night.

Will shoved that thought from his mind.

“Do you feel like you’re getting better?” Percy asked without preamble.

Will sighed.  He didn’t want to answer what question.  He didn’t want to answer any questions, and that particular question was especially hard.   _Did_ he feel better?  It was nice to not have the pressure of school weighing on him.  It was nice to not wake up every morning, try to drudge up the strength to go to class, and wallow in self-pity when he failed.  It was good, he supposed, that he was rarely alone anymore.  It kept him from getting into trouble.  Still, he hated that he couldn’t run away to be alone.  He hated feeling like he couldn’t hide when he felt like breaking down.  Was he better?  Maybe things were a little less terrible now, but nothing had really changed.  Nico was still dead.  Will still couldn’t do anything on his own without messing it up.

“I guess,” Will answered vaguely.  He was too exhausted to lie to Percy, but he was also too tired to tell the truth.  He didn’t have the energy to do much of anything, really.  How had he been able to get out of bed at his mother’s house every day when he wasn’t able to do it on his own?  He supposed it was because his mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and Will was forced to numbly follow her wherever she took him.  Did that mean he _was_ getting better?  Will wasn’t so sure; to be honest, he’d only been away from his mother for a few hours, and he already felt miserable.

Will wondered what he would’ve done if he hadn’t run into Percy in Camp Half-Blood.  Would he have made it back to his hotel?  Or would he have found himself on the streets of New York, drinking himself blind and falling into the arms of a stranger?

Deep down, Will thought he knew the answer.  If he hadn’t met Percy, that was exactly what he would have done.  So was he getting better?  No.  He was still the disaster he’d been before moving to Texas.  His mother had only managed to distract him, despite her best attempts to heal his broken heart.

Maybe his heart was shattered beyond repair.

Percy tried to engage Will in conversation for another hour, and then Annabeth came home and the three of them left to walk down the street to the Mediterranean place that Percy had mentioned.  Will tore his eyes away when he saw Annabeth slide her hand into Percy’s.  How sick was it that seeing his friends in love made him feel so miserable?

When they got to the restaurant, they sat at a table, ordered their drinks, and waited for Austin to show up.  He did a few minutes later, and the first thing he did was run up to give Will a hug.  

“How’ve you been?” Austin asked, probably just as a habitual greeting.  

_My boyfriend is dead.  I dropped out of college.  I moved in with my mother.  How do you think I’m doing?_

“Fine,” Will said.

How he managed to make it through that evening, Will wasn’t sure.  He spent the meal staring at his plate, eating quietly, and trying to make himself as invisible as possible – which was hard to do, considering that the reason they’d all gathered was because of him.  He wanted to escape, to run and hide, to be alone so that he wouldn’t bother anyone anymore.  He wanted to be somewhere else – anywhere else.  He couldn’t bear to be around so many people who knew him and what he’d lost, especially not his brother.  His brother, who ought to look up to him.  Little brothers shouldn’t have to comfort older brothers.

The evening ended eventually, and Will suffered through the farewell with Austin, who said that he and Kayla were worried about him and suggested that the three of them meet up when they had the time.  He nodded and gave a vague answer before he escaped back to Percy and Annabeth’s apartment.  They offered him a shower and clean blankets, then put him to bed on the couch before they left to go to their own bedroom, and Will was finally – _finally –_ alone.

*  *  *

Something about the visit to New York left Will unsettled.  Even after getting back home, he felt like his gut wouldn’t stop tripping over itself, wriggling and twisting in anxiety.  Even his mother’s usually soothing presence did nothing to ease his discomfort.  The smallest things set him off – he nearly broke down in tears when Stumpy scratched Scout.  When his mother left to go into the studio, Will couldn’t make himself get out of bed until she came back home and brought him dinner.

He spent the days leading up to Christmas mostly in the house with his mother.  He tended to his plants and cared for the animals – his mother even managed to get him to feed Jellybean the Evil Scarlet Macaw, which never ended well.  

“Fucking bird,” Will had muttered one day after Jellybean nipped his hand, snatching his bleeding finger away and and sticking it in his mouth.  A disgusting habit, but not a particularly harmful one.

“I heard that,” Naomi had shouted from the other room.  “I do not want to hear that sort of language in my house, Mr. Solace.”

Will had sighed as he popped his finger back out of his mouth.  “Yes, ma’am,” he’d called back, and then he’d shot a vindictive glare at Jellybean before stomping off to find a Band-Aid.

Christmas was, quite frankly, overwhelming.  Naomi’s family wasn’t invited, of course – Naomi had never been able to repair her relationship with her parents after her scandalous teenage pregnancy – so one would think it would have been a quiet affair.  But no; Naomi hosted a grand Christmas party for the recording studio.  She hired a caterer and servers.  She paid the neighbor’s kids for helping her put up the decorations.  She put Christmas collars on the cats and dogs and Jellybean’s cage was decked with boughs of holly.  “Fa-la-la-la-la,” the parrot mechanically chanted.

Will only stayed at the party for ten minutes before he escaped to his bedroom with Dixie following at his heels.  Scout, however, stayed at the party, wagging her tail and perking up her ears and sweet talking the guests with her best “pet me” face.  The cats, meanwhile, were nowhere to be found, which probably meant they were hiding other Naomi’s bed (except Lulu, who was lounging on the back of the sofa).  It was loud, crowded, and Will couldn’t stand to be there, even though he’d promised his mother he’d try to stick around.  All those people knew he was Naomi Solace’s son and that he was studying to become a doctor.  They didn’t know about Nico.  They didn’t know he’d left school.  They didn’t know he what he’d done.

So he sat on the plastic drop cloths that covered the floor of his bedroom while the room was being painted, huddled in the corner with the dog curled up at his side.  Will had only taken a few sips of champagne and nibbled on an appetizer or two before he left, so he felt hungry, but he was by no means inclined to go back down to the party in search of something to eat.  Instead, he sat still as stone with one hand on his dog’s back while he looked out the window to the starlit sky.

The vibration in his pocket startled him, and although he was inclined to ignore it out of fear that it was his mother wondering where he’d gone, Will took his phone out of his pocket and opened the text he’d been sent.  

It was from Piper, a simple message wishing him a merry Christmas and wondering if he was available to Iris message.  Will closed his phone and set it in his lap without replying, but when it buzzed again a few moments later, he sighed and opened it back up.

 _I miss you,_ the text read.  Piper was lying, of course.  Why would she miss him?  She had plenty of other people to hang out with; it wasn’t like Will was her best friend.  Still, the sentiment was nice.  It meant she was thinking about him.  She cared.

Sighing, Will typed out a quick reply.   _I’m available,_ he said simply.

The phones Leo had invented didn’t merely block monsters; they used an entirely different operating system.  Rather than repelling unwanted visitors that cellphones might otherwise attract, Leo signed contracts with Iris and Hermes so that all communication was run by god-power.  Instead of ordinary text messages, LeoPhones sent Hermes Messages.  Instead of FaceTime, LeoPhones had Iris Messages.  The quality of Iris Messages on LeoPhones wasn’t as clear as it could be by using a fountain, but it was handy on the go – and right then, Will was grateful that he didn’t have to leave his room in search of running water when Piper called.

The LeoPhones also came with payment plans, so he didn’t have to use drachmas for every Iris Message or Hermes Message he sent or received.  Instead, he just had to press _answer_ and Piper appeared on the screen of his phone, much like how she would on a mortal phone.

“Hey, Will!  Merry Christmas!” she said.

Will nodded mechanically, and it took him a moment to realize that he should say it back, so he quickly mumbled, “Merry Christmas.”

“What have you been up to today?” she asked.

Will sighed.  He’d been expecting questions like that; _What have you been up to?_ or _Are you feeling better?_ “Just hiding in my room,” he admitted before he could think better than to tell the truth.

“Hiding?” she asked, and although she obviously tried to retain her open and friendly demeanor, a note of worry tainted her tone.

“Mama threw a Christmas party for the studio,” Will admitted.  “It was just getting to be too much.”

Piper nodded.  “I understand,” she said, and Will believed her – at least just a little bit.  Even if she’d never felt the same way before, Piper was an empathetic person.  “So...uh...how is your mother?” she asked with a slight quiver of hesitation in her tone.

Will rolled his eyes when he recognized the faint blush on her cheeks; Piper had a bit of a crush on his mother.  Who was he kidding?  Piper full-on hero worshipped the woman.  When she realized who Will’s mother was,  she’d shyly bombarded him with questions about her.  What was she like?  Was she as clever and funny as she seemed on camera?  Who was her stylist?  Was she seeing anyone?  (“Piper, you’re dating Jason.”  “I was just _asking!”_ )

Jason.

The thought of Piper’s boyfriend brought back the memory of the horrible fight he’d gotten into before he’d left California.  Jason’s words replayed themselves over and over again, stabbing him in the chest each time.   _You’re a fucking slut and you never loved Nico!_

Will cleared his throat.  “She’s...she’s fine.  Good.  Great.  Uh...where exactly are you?”

“I’m at my dad’s place for the holidays,” she answered.  “It’s been nice, with just the two of us.  Mellie, Hedge, and Chuck decided to spend Christmas in Disneyland.  Mellie sent me a picture of Hedge with Cruella de Vil the other day; it’s hilarious.  I’ll forward it to you later.”

“Oh, that’s...that’s nice,” Will said.  “So it’s just you and your dad?”

Piper gave Will a serious look.  “Jason’s not here, Will.”

Will thought to deny that he’d been wondering exactly that, but the words caught in his throat.  “Okay,” he replied dumbly.

Piper sighed and leaned back against what Will now recognized as the desk chair in her bedroom at her dad’s house.  Will had visited before; he, along with Piper, Jason, and Nico, used to visit on the occasional weekend when all four of them lived in New Rome.  “He’ll come around, Will.”

Over the past few weeks, Will had held onto a thread of hope that maybe Jason regretted what he’d said.  Maybe he’d only said it out of anger and he hadn’t truly meant any of it.  But Piper had snapped that thread; _He’ll come around,_ she’d told him.  That meant he was still angry.  He still hated Will.

But after all, didn’t Will deserve it?

“Right,” Will mumbled, sinking lower against the wall.  Beside him, Dixie glanced up as though startled by his movement, but then she curled back up to rest at his side.

“Look, Will, he’s having a hard time.  He loved Nico, you know that.  He hasn’t been himself since Nico died.  He just...he needs help.  We all need help, of course, but he took this pretty hard and he’s dealing with this through anger.  It isn’t you, Will.”

Will could only grunt in response.

“Are you mad at me?” Piper asked.

Will frowned in surprise.  “What?  No.  Why would I be mad at you?”

Piper shrugged.  “I guess I was afraid that you’d think I was taking sides or something.”

“No, no, I....”  Will shook his head.  “Does Jason think you’re taking sides?”

“No,” she said.  “Trust me, we’ve gotten in plenty of fights, but not about that.  I’ll tell you the same thing I told him; I’m _not_ going to take sides between the two of you.  I love the both of you and I’m going to stand by the both of you, even if it isn’t always easy.”

“Oh, gods,” Will whispered, unable to say much else.  Piper’s words should have been a comfort, and perhaps they were, in a way.  Still, they wore him down until he felt horrifyingly vulnerable and he felt like he was about to break down in sobs at that second.  And wasn’t that just pathetic?

“You know you can call me any time, right?” Piper said gently.  “Anytime you want to talk.  Anytime you _need_ to talk.  I’m not abandoning you, Will.”

Will nodded, not trusting himself to hold his emotions together if he attempted to reply.  

“I’ve missed having you around,” Piper said.  “Hazel and Reyna and I have been talking about getting together with you sometime.  Maybe over Hazel’s spring break.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have to,” Will said.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them; he just didn’t want them to go through the trouble.  If he went back to New Rome to visit, he’d have to find a place to stay and he’d be surrounded by people who knew him and pitied him – or worse, people like Jason, who hated him.  And if they travelled to Texas?  No, that was too much to ask of them.

“We can talk about it more later,” Piper said when Will didn’t show much enthusiasm.  “Let’s talk about something else, okay?”

Will shrugged.

“Has anything exciting happened?” she asked.

Will shrugged again, but said, “Mama got a new cat.”

Piper lit up and started asking rapid fire questions about Naomi’s menagerie of animals.  Will answered and asked a few questions in return; how was temple-building going, what had she and her dad been up to, and Naomi had mentioned that Latricia Lake was composing the soundtrack for the movie Tristan was filming?  He avoided saying Jason’s name, but it came up a few times.  Despite Piper’s ability to smooth over awkwardness in a conversation, it still made Will uncomfortable.  Piper brought up that Percy had mentioned seeing Will at Camp Half-Blood, and Will stumbled through an explanation.

Of course, Piper turned back to the hard questions again.  “Will, are you thinking about coming back to school anytime soon?”

Will felt like slouching even lower against the wall.  “I...I don’t know,” he managed, avoiding Piper’s eyes and staring blankly at the darkness in his room while the light of his cell phone illuminated his face.  “Piper, I just...that’s not what I want to think about right now.”

“I understand,” she said.  “But I was thinking – and you can totally shoot me down if you aren’t ready – but I was thinking, you’ve got a long time before the next school year starts.  Maybe you should get in contact with the dean to see about re-enrolling.  You have plenty of time to decide if you want to or not, but I just...I’d like you to keep it in mind.”

Will bit his lip.  “I’m...not sure,” he mumbled.  “I just....”  

He just didn’t know if he was cut out for school.  When he left, he couldn’t work.  He couldn’t study.  How could he possibly resume his degree in the hopes of becoming a doctor?

“Just keep it in mind, if you can,” Piper said.  “You have time to decide.  I want you to  come back, Will, but you should take the time you need to get ready.”

Will nodded drearily, and Piper changed the subject again.  Will’s mind remained fixed on the prospect of re-enrolling while Piper spoke, occasionally contributing to the conversation, until there was a knock on the door and Will’s gut jumped in panic.  Dixie, who Will had nearly forgotten was sleeping beside him, jolted awake and got to her feet.

Light flooded the room as the door opened, bringing along with it the sound of Christmas carols and the smell of gingerbread cookies.  Will breathed in relief when he saw it was Naomi who had come, dressed in a pretty knee-length emerald green dress with a flared a-line skirt.  She had taken him shopping before the party and he’d helped her pick out a dress after she bought him a new shirt and tie to wear.  “Hey, sweetie, I’ve been looking for you,” Naomi said with a smile, patting Dixie’s head when the dog went to greet her.  “What are you doing all alone up here in the dark?”

Will held up his phone.  “I’m...uh...Piper called,” he said, leaving out that he’d escaped to his room long before Piper had contacted him.

“Oh, Piper?” Naomi said as she walked over to him.  “I haven’t seen her in forever.  You really should invite your friends to stay more often, you know.”  When she reached his side, she squatted down and waved at Will’s cell phone screen.  “Hi, Piper!”

“Oh, hi, Ms. Solace,” Piper said, a goofy, starry-eyed look sliding onto her face.  Will nearly gagged.  Piper complained about the number of people her age that had a crush on her father, but Will thought she was just as bad.  At least Piper’s closest friends weren’t the ones with the crush on her mortal parent.

Naomi scoffed.  “Sweetheart, you can just call me Naomi,” his mother said.

“Of course, Ms. Solace,” Piper said dreamily.  “It’s good to see you.”

“Good to see you, too, hun,” Naomi replied, then she returned her attention to Will.  “I just came up to tell you that people are starting to go home.  It’s just a few friends left.  I said I was going to check on you; I can tell them you went to bed, if you’d like.  Want me to send up some food?”

“I ate enough,” Will said, even though he hadn’t.  

“Alright,” Naomi said.  She kissed the top of his head.  “I’ll come back up to check on you later.”  Before getting to her feet, she gave Piper another smile and a wave.  “See you later, dear.”

With that, Naomi left the room, but she flicked the lights on before softly shutting the door.  As Will squinted against the sudden brightness flooding the room, he heard Piper sigh.

“Your mom is _so_ cool.”

*  *  *

Talking to Piper that night had brought him some relief, and the plants that Naomi had bought for him to celebrate the results of his STD test were comforting.  Gardening was something he’d always been good at and it seemed to be one of the few things he was still able to do right.  And when Lulu sneaked into his room and knocked his pots to the floor, that was gone, too.

He kept the pots in the window sill of the guest bedroom while his room was being redone.  Lulu had always been a mischievous cat; she chewed on wires, unraveled toilet paper rolls, and stole Naomi’s jewelry.  He shouldn’t have been surprised when he was jolted from sleep by the sound of pots shattering, but that didn’t stop him from panicking when he looked at the soil and broken shards littering the floor because the _one_ thing that he was able to create – the one thing that he didn’t mess up as soon as he touched it – was gone.

Will knew it was stupid, but he couldn’t help the way he crumpled to the floor, his body shaking with sobs.  How stupid was he that he couldn’t even hold himself together when the smallest thing went wrong?  And yet....

And yet everything seemed to go wrong, even the most unimportant things.  Will couldn’t stop it.

“Will?” he heard his mother call from the doorway, and then she was at his side, wearing a pair of red flannel pajamas she’d bought for the winter holidays.  “Sweetie pie, what happened?”

“The...the pot toppled over–” Will gasped.  “Lulu....”  Will choked on his words, a lump rising in his throat until he had to cover his mouth out of fear that he’d throw up.  And that only made him panic more because oh, gods, he was going to be sick, he was making himself sick, it was _his fault_ that he felt sick.

“Will, baby, it was just a little accident. You did nothing wrong.”

“I know!” Will said.  “But it...it...oh, gods, I can’t do anything right.  I can’t...I can’t....”

“No, honey, of course that’s not true,” she said, rubbing his back.  “It’s an easy fix.  We can get a new pot and–”

“No, I...I can’t,” Will said before choking again, gagging on his own words.  It was his fault.  Not Lulu – Lulu was just a cat.  Lulu didn’t understand.  She was such a good, friendly cat, too; she’d been the only animal who showed no apprehension towards Nico.  No, this was Will’s fault.  He’d just do it over and over again.  He couldn’t do anything right.  He couldn’t even grow a plant.

“Will, it’s just a broken pot,” Naomi told him.  “The cat knocked over a pot.  Lulu’s always knocking things over, you know that.  This isn’t your fault.  It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s stupid, I know it’s stupid,” Will said.  “Gods, I’m so _stupid.”_

“Now, you listen to me, young man,” Naomi said, making Will look up at her.  She smiled and ran her thumb under his eye to dry his tears.  “Naomi Solace does not raise stupid boys.  You are bright, you are kind, and you are good.  The two of us are gonna repot these plants.  Okay?”

Will wanted to say yes, but he couldn’t.  He shook his head and sobbed again, and this time, Naomi wrapped her arms around him while she rubbed his back.  She held him until Will stopped shaking and crying, and then she kissed his forehead.  “How about I put on some tea and we watch some TV?”

Will didn’t want to move.  He shook his head.

“Then would you like it if I went to get a pot to hold the plants?  The soil’s still mostly in shape.”

“I don’t care,” Will whispered.  It didn’t matter.

Naomi sighed and wrapped him back inside a hug.  “I have some old pots we can use to hold them for now,” she said.  “Later, you and I can go out and buy some that’ll look good in your new room.  Now, let’s get up, salvage what we can, and then we’ll wash up and get some breakfast.  Sound good?”

It didn’t.  Will did it anyway.  

He wasn’t sure why the shattered pots had broken him the way they did; it was ridiculous that something so simple could reduce him to such a state of panic.  His mother, although probably bewildered, didn’t hold it against him.  She worried over him all morning, although Will felt numb and barely responded.  He assured her that he was fine.

He wasn’t.

“Is it alright if I head into the studio?” Naomi asked in the early afternoon, as she’d planned to go in that day.

“Yes,” Will answered.   _Don’t go._

“Are you sure?  I can cancel and stay home with you.”

“I’ll be okay.”   _Stay with me.  Don’t leave me alone._

“Alright.  You have my number.  I’ll keep my phone on me at all times.”

 

Will didn’t last long before running.

He felt like the walls were crumbling down on top of him, he felt the scent of Naomi’s home, normally so comforting, seeping into his lungs and suffocating him.  The sounds of a cat hissing at one of the dogs, of Jellybean squawking inside his cage.

Too much, too much.  

He barely remembered running out into dim glow of the Austin twilight, barely remembered boarding a city bus and curling in on himself in a seat in the back, barely remembered riding until he reached downtown.  His mind felt fuzzy and numb, sensitive to nothing but the inescapable sense of panic growing inside him – a panic that he had no cure for except for the bitter flavor of alcohol and the foul taste of regret on his tongue.

He didn’t want to, but he did it.  He didn’t like it, but that didn’t stop him.  He allowed himself to be lured into the backseat of an old grey car with a student from the university.  He let himself be touched and he touched in return.  He didn’t enjoy himself, but that didn’t matter.  It still gave him that physiological high to distract himself from the screaming voices in his head telling him that he was filthy, wrong, sick, a failure, a disappointment....

But when it was over and Will crawled out of the car, he felt no lighter.  The ache in his heart had not gone away.  He still was alone.  Nico was still dead.  And Will had just betrayed him yet again.

He hadn’t done this since returning home, so it came as a shock to him.  He’d lost himself in sex and alcohol in his hometown.  In his mother’s city.

His mother – oh, _gods_ , his mother.  What would she say?

He thought about going back inside and drinking until he passed out, until he choked on his own vomit and died from asphyxiation.  The alcohol would dull the pain.  He’d feel weightless rather than empty.  His mind would feel fuzzy and he’d be too slow to save himself if he changed his mind at the last minute.

But then his mother crossed his mind – what would his mother say?  To be honest, he didn’t _want_ to know what his mother would say.  He didn’t want to face her disappointment.  That was, of course, why a part of him wanted to die; in death, he could escape.  He wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore.  He wouldn’t throw himself at strangers or drink anymore.  He’d have to deal with judgment in the underworld, but at least then he’d get what he deserved.

But his mother.  Naomi Solace would blame herself if Will died, even if it looked like an accident.  She’d blame herself for going into the studio rather than staying home.  She’d think she was a failure of a mother.  If Will died, Naomi would lose her only family.

And anyway, Will was too much of a coward to actually kill himself.  He wouldn’t even be able to do _that_ right.

Will covered his mouth and sobbed, his eyes going wide.  Gods, was he really thinking about _killing_ himself?  The prospect of death had seemed enticing before then, but he’d never actually considered actively seeking death out.  How messed up was he to be tempted by suicide?  That was something only people with serious depression felt.  Something that only people with real problems in their lives or heads or hearts felt.  Not people like Will – people who brought on their own pain, people who were selfish, people who....

 _People who deserve death,_ said a voice in his head.

Will cursed.  Rationally, he knew the signs of depression.  He knew the diagnostic criteria.  He’d studied it in some of his classes at UNR and he’d studied it on his own, partially as a medic serving a camp full of children and partially as a way to understand Nico’s mind better.  Nico had gotten much better over the years, but he’d struggled right up to the very end.

But despite all his studying, Will had been unable to recognize it in himself until that very moment.  He’d always thought he’d done a good job being patient and understanding with Nico.  He’d thought of himself as an empathetic person.  Had he looked down on Nico all along?  Was that why he’d been unable to see the symptoms in himself?  Was he really so selfish, judgmental, and arrogant that he thought he was _above_ depression?

Because that’s what he was – depressed.  He wasn’t just mourning; he had a serious medical and psychological illness.  He was _sick._

And when Will thought about it that way, suddenly it all made sense.

He needed help.

Will took a deep breath to steady himself as he reached into his pocket for his phone and called his mother.  As the phone continued to ring, Will chewed on his lip nervously.  If she didn’t answer, if she didn’t come to get him, if he was left on his own....

What would he do to himself?

But then the ringing stopped and he heard his mother’s voice.  “Hey, sweetie pie, what’s going on?”

Will bit his knuckle to keep himself from sobbing in relief.  When he didn’t answer, Naomi said, “Will?  You okay?”

“Yeah,” Will forced himself to say.  “I’m here.  I....”  Will’s voice cracked and he stopped himself  before whispering, “Mama, please, I need you.”

“Okay, sweetheart, I’m coming home.”

“No, I...I’m....”  Will swallowed.  “I’m out.”

Naomi paused.  “I’ll come get you,” she said, and although there was a slight amount of worry or disappointment in her tone, she didn’t ask him to explain himself.  “Tell me where you are.”

He did.  She found him.  She did not reprimand him; she only looked at him with a sad, lost expression and pulled him into the warm safety of her arms.

“I’m sorry, Mama,” Will croaked, wetting the shoulder of her coat with his tears.

“I know, honey.  I know.”  She squeezed his waist tightly.  “I love you.  It’s going to be okay.”

She said nothing in the car as she drove them home.  Will didn’t need her to say anything.  He only needed the hand that she’d placed in his beside the gear shift.  When they reached her house, Naomi helped Will out of the car and guided him inside with one arm around his waist.

“Tomorrow, I’m taking you to the STD clinic, just in case,” she told him gently.  “For now, I want you to go upstairs and take a shower.  You’re going to wash this off and you’re going to feel better.  Then you’re going to come back down here and the two of us are going to light a candle for Nico.  You know why, Will?  Because Nico still loves you, because you still love Nico, because Nico forgives you, and because you need to forgive yourself.”

Will could only nod; any reply was held captive inside his throat.  He followed obediently as Naomi helped him upstairs to retrieve a set of fresh pajamas.

Before left to shower, Naomi called, “Will?”

Will kept his head bowed, instead focusing on her feet.  “Yes, ma’am?”

“Don’t lock the bathroom door, okay?  I want no locked doors in this house.”

Will nodded.  “Yes, ma’am.”

He did as she asked; he went into the bathroom, leaving the door unlocked behind him, and bathed himself in scalding hot water, as if it could burn away the night’s events.  He rubbed his skin red and raw.  He scrubbed until the scent of soap blocked out the smell of smoke, alcohol, and city air that held onto his skin and hair.

And when he was done, he found his mother waiting for him at the top of the stairs.  She led him to the family room, passed him a mug of hot chocolate, and offered him a lighter for the candle that was waiting on the coffee table.  After lighting the candle, he leaned back into his mother’s embrace, resting the back of his head on her shoulder like he was a small boy again.

“Will,” Naomi said, “if anything like this happens again, I want you to do what you just did.  Call me.  Ask me to come get you.  I don’t ever want you to be afraid to ask me for help, okay?”

Will nodded, enjoying the warm comfort of his mother’s arms.  He always felt so safe when she held him.

“Mama?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Can you sing for me, like you used to?”

Naomi kissed the top of his head, whispering, “Yes, dear,” and she softly began to sing.  

Will didn’t have to specify which song he wanted his mother to sing for him; she already knew.  He wanted to hear the lullaby that she sang to him when he was young, terrified of the monsters in his dreams and under his bed or of the blasts of thunder and lightning on stormy nights.  She’d sung it for him the last night before he’d left for Camp Half-Blood when his satyr showed up to take him there.  She would sing it for him every time he felt small or vulnerable, and every time she sang it, the lullaby smoothed down the sharpest edges of Will’s fear and agony.

“Do you forgive me?” Will whispered when she had finished.

“Of course, sugar plum.”  She laced their fingers together and lifted his hand to her mouth to kiss it.

Will sighed and relaxed into her side, breathing in the scent of cinnamon that always clinged to his mother’s clothing as his eyes fixed on the wax melting down the sides of the candle before them.  Somehow, he felt like that was exactly what Will needed to hear.  He needed to be told that he was forgiven.

“One of my clients has bad anxiety,” Naomi said.  “I was talking to him today – I hope you don’t mind, but I mentioned the panic attack you had earlier.”

Will nodded quietly.

“Will, I want to take you to see someone.”

Shuddering, Will sank lower into the sofa.  “Mama, I can’t,” he whispered.  “I can’t – not with a mortal.  I can’t be open with a mortal, can’t.....”  How could he tell a mortal about Nico’s gruesome death?  How could he make a mortal understand why Nico had died or why Will should have been able to save him?

How could he make _anyone_ understand?  How could he talk to anyone?  He’d tried therapy already.  It hadn’t helped.  Why should it help this time?

“Think about it for me, Will,” Naomi said.  “I can’t make this decision for you; you’re an adult now.  But please, Will, I want you to think about it.  I’ll help you through it in anyway I can.”

Later that night, when Naomi said they should get to sleep, Will followed his mother to her room instead of going to the guest room he’d been staying in while his room was remodeled.  When she turned to him, Will avoided her eyes and whispered, “Can I stay with you tonight?”

Naomi nodded, put an arm around her son’s shoulders, and led him to bed.


	3. Til the Sky is Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait...again. The good news is the next chapter won't take as long. This chapter turned into a monster, so I had to cut it in half.

Will shivered.  

It wasn’t because he was cold.  No, the air was always agreeable there; not too hot, not too cold, not too humid, and not too dry.  Will shivered because the gray curls of fog around him struck his bones.  He knew that fog; he’d seen it in his dreams for months.

He could hear his own heartbeat in the silence.  He heard his muscles contract when he swallowed.  Will wasn’t queasy when it came to blood and gore; he’d seen so much that few things fazed him.  Still, he found the sounds unsettling.  But the sounds weren’t what agitated him the most, nor was it the thick clouds of fog.

“Nico,” Will whispered.

Nico would be there; he always was.  True, Will didn’t always see him, either because he’d successfully avoid him or because he’d wake up before finding him, but Will knew he was there.

Will looked around, his heartbeat echoing in his ears, but he only saw fog.  That wasn’t surprising; he usually wasn’t close enough to see Nico when he landed in these dreams.  This way, he could stay put without fearing that he’d run into Nico.

His decision made, Will sat on the textureless ground, closed his eyes, and started to hum to keep his mind off the sounds his muscles and organs were making.  He’d done this before; he’d just have to wait until his brain moved on to the next sleep cycle.

But Will’s dreams were often cruel.  When Will opened his eyes, the scene had changed just subtly; now Nico was lying just close enough for Will to see him through the fog.

Will sighed.  When his dreams decided to play tricks on him like this, he would be unable to escape.  Nico would appear before him no matter how many times he walked away.

“What do you want, Nico?” Will muttered in resignation.  Nico, of course, did not answer.  He never did.  He never woke up.  Even in dreams, Nico was lost to him.

This dream wasn’t prophetic; Will knew that much.  If it had been, the dream would have been more complex, with more people and a clear scene with a vivid background.  This dream held nothing but Nico.  Will had considered that the dream could mean something, even if it was not prophetic.  He had wondered if Nico’s state meant that he was stuck in limbo; maybe he was a lost spirit, as he and Hazel had feared.  Maybe Nico was still in line to be judged; he’d once mentioned to Will that the line could be miles long.  Either way, Will couldn’t bring himself to believe it.  He would rather think that this dream was a product of his own mind.  

Will slid his eyes back over towards Nico’s resting body again.  “I fucked up again,” he said glumly.  “Big surprise, right?”

Nico remained still.

Will scoffed at himself.  “I love you, you know,” he said, then he drew his eyes away again and went back to humming until he finally woke up.

 

Cinnamon.  It smelled like cinnamon.  Why did it smell like cinnamon?

Will squinted against the dim light in the room.  Recognizing the wallpaper, he recalled that he’d gone to sleep in Naomi’s room the night before.  Yawning, Will rolled onto his back and stretched; his body felt more relaxed than it had in months.  He rarely woke up feeling rested anymore.  It seemed like he was tired no matter how long he slept.  

He turned his head to look beside him and found his mother sitting against the headboard, wearing a pair of reading glasses and skimming the pages of a book by the light of her bedside lamp.  She was absentmindedly petting Puddin’, who was snoozing comfortably in her lap.  Naomi glanced over at Will as he moved.

“Hey, sweetpea,” she said, closing her book and setting it on the table beside her.  She folded her glasses and placed them on top of her book, and then she reached out to run her fingers through Will’s hair.  “How do you feel?”

“Alright,” he said, and for once, he meant it.  “Better.”

“Do you really?” Naomi asked, raising one eyebrow.

Will pushed himself up on his elbows.  “Yeah.  I...I do,” he answered, shifting until he was sitting next to her.  “I’m sorry–”

“Honey, don’t apologize,” Naomi interrupted.  “I’d rather hear you say ‘thank you.’”

Will nodded.  “Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” Naomi answered with a gentle smile.  “Anytime you need me, I’ll be here for you.  All you have to do is ask.”

Will felt a pang of guilt.  If he’d told his mother that he needed her yesterday, he wouldn’t have run away like he did.  If he’d been honest with her and told her he didn’t think he could be alone, nothing bad would’ve happened.  “I promise I’ll be more honest with you from now on,” Will said, and as soon as he said the words, he remembered the train of thought that had led to him calling his mother the night before.  Even if he hadn’t contemplated it for long, and maybe not in complete seriousness, he had considered suicide – and that wasn’t the first time that death had seemed like an enticing escape.

Will took a deep breath.  If he was going to be honest with his mother, he’d have to start there.

“Mama, can we talk about something?”

“Anything.”

Will chewed on his lip, opened his mouth, and the words caught in his throat.   _Just say it,_ he told himself.   _Just tell her._

How?  How could he tell his _mother,_ the person who’d given birth to him and raised him, that he had thought about taking his own life?  That he was afraid he’d continue thinking about it?  How could he hurt her like that?

Will clenched his fists.  He’d say it because he needed to.  If he didn’t – if he kept battling through this alone – it would only get worse.  Will wasn’t sure if he deserved to get better, to be happy, or even to live, but he was sure that he was terrified.  And maybe, just maybe, a little part of him did want help.

“I thought....” Will started, but the words caught in his throat again.  “Last night, I...before you came....”  Will stumbled a few more times before he bowed his head and managed to say, “I...I wasn’t okay last night.”

There was a pause before Naomi asked, “Wasn’t okay...in what way?”

“I...I wasn’t...I was in a really bad place.”  Will hoped she’d understand what he was trying to tell her.  He hoped that she wouldn’t make him say it.  The words themselves were too much for him; it felt like if he said it out loud, it would suddenly become much more real.  He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.

But he needed to be.

“Will,” Naomi said steadily, “I want you to be clear with me.  Are you having thoughts about suicide?”

Will could do nothing but nod.

Several moments ticked by in silence, but Will could feel Naomi’s eyes on him.  He didn’t dare look up to see what kind of expression she was wearing.  He knew he’d upset her and he hated to see her sad.

“Was last night the first time?” she finally asked, her tone deep and careful, not betraying any hints as to what she might be thinking.

Will shrugged, knotting his fits in the bed sheets.  “It was the first time I actually thought about it somewhat seriously.  I’ve...I’ve had some...bad thoughts before.”  The word _“suicidal”_ still stuck in his throat, refusing to be spoken.  “But I never thought to act on them.  Then last night, I _did_ think about it.  It scared me.”

“That does sound scary,” Naomi agreed, and Will suddenly felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  She wasn’t angry.  She didn’t judge him.  “Will, what can I do for you right now to help?”

Will’s throat felt dry.  Truth be told, he didn’t know.  She was doing everything right.  Will just needed to be more open with her.  “I just need you to love me,” he whispered.

“Sweetie, you are very easy to love,” Naomi said, reaching out to rub his shoulder.  “And I want to be there for you.  Okay?  Don’t be afraid to talk to me.”

Will nodded.  “Okay.”

“I would really like to take you to a doctor, Will.”

Will closed his eyes.  He didn’t want to see a doctor.  It was stupid; he’d recommend a doctor to anyone else with symptoms like his.  He was usually an advocate of therapy.  So why couldn’t he follow his own advice?

 _It doesn’t work for me,_ he tried to argue.   _It can’t help me through my problem.  I have my Mama.  That’s enough._

Deep down, he knew his excuses were lies.  He was just scared.

“I’m thinking about it,” Will said.  And he would give it some thought.  Maybe she’d bring it up again.  Maybe, with enough pushes, he’d agree to it.

“Good.  Is there anything else we need to talk about?”

Will shook his head.  “That’s all.”

“Okay.  Will, can you look at me?”

Will looked up reluctantly and met his mother’s eyes.  Her expression was stern; not angry, but not soft and gentle.

“Thank you for telling me, Will.  You are going to get through this.  I will help.”

“Okay,” Will whispered.

Naomi smiled and leaned forward to peck his forehead.  “What do you say we get some breakfast?”

“I can make waffles,” Will offered.  Waffles were simple enough.  Will wasn’t much of a cook, but waffles he could manage.

“I’ve got lots of strawberries left over from the party,” his mom added.  “How about I make smoothies while you do that?”

Will smiled.  “Good plan, Mama.”

*  *  *

Naomi rarely left Will alone after that night.  If she went into the studio, she brought Will with her, and if anyone questioned it, Naomi simply said, “He’s on vacation.”  Other days, they stayed at home and worked on his room, which was coming along slowly but surely.  Naomi set new rules, as well: _“No more alcohol,”_ she’d said first and foremost.   _“Maybe someday in the future, you’ll be able to have a glass on special occasions, but for now, I want you to stop drinking.”_  She also maintained that no doors were to be locked, and should be left open, if possible.  She’d asked if she should hide the pills and knives and anything else that he might use on himself if he hit a bad spell, but Will had said, _“No.  Not yet, anyway.”_  And he’d promised to tell her if that changed.

Will still felt tired; he still felt worthless and lost and he couldn’t find enjoyment in anything, but talking to his mother had given him some hope.  That didn’t mean it was easy.

“You weren’t cheating,” Naomi said one night when the two of them were sitting in front of a lit candle in the living room.  She was sitting on the sofa while Will sat on the floor beside her knees.  Will had his back to her, watching the fire dancing on the candle wick in front of him.  It was easier to be honest when he wasn’t looking at her.  

“But I am, Mama,” Will said.  “In my heart, I still belong to Nico, and I’ve been doing these things with people who I feel _nothing_ for.  I’ve been showing them parts of myself that I only ever trusted Nico with.”

Naomi sighed.  “Will....”

“When Nico and I had sex, we made love,” Will said quietly.  Sex had never been a taboo topic between him and his mother; Naomi always told Will that her parents had been overly controlling, which had left Naomi frustrated and confused and ultimately led to the breakdown of their relationship.  She said that she didn’t want that for her son.  “This isn’t like what Nico and I had,” Will went on.  “It’s a poor imitation of it.  I don’t like it – it _hurts._ That’s why it’s wrong, Mama.  If I’m unfaithful to my heart, I _am_ betraying him.”

Naomi sighed.  “Alright,” she relented, although she seemed unconvinced.  “But do you want to know what I think?”

“Mm?”

“I think that Nico knows what it’s like to be depressed.  I think that Nico understands grief better than anyone.  And I think that Nico wants to see you get better.  What about you?”

Will sniffed and nodded.  If he knew Nico, then that was true.  

“Then let’s start fresh.  Let’s make Nico proud of you, okay?  Does that sound good?”

Will nodded again – he would like that.  He didn’t know if it would be possible.  He didn’t know if he had the energy to fix himself.  He didn’t know if he’d gone past the point of no return.  But, yes, he wanted to be someone that Nico could be proud of.  He wanted to be better.  And that, he thought, was a good step.

“Ready?” Naomi asked, and Will nodded, leaned forward, and blew out the candle.

Naomi and Will had lit a candle for Nico every night since Will’s panic attack about a week before.  They would sit together in the living room for about an hour, watching the wax melt, occasionally asking a question that led to a short conversation.  Sometimes Will preferred silence.  Other times, he needed to hear his mother’s voice.

Will picked up the cooling candle to store it in the closet under the stairs until they used it again the next night.  He was grateful for his mother’s help; she kept him organized and focused and encouraged him to keep up his daily routine of lighting the candle for Nico.  Naomi was more than Will could ask for.  She stayed with him when he needed her and she kept him company when he was afraid to be alone.  He hated to think that he was being burdensome and he felt guilty about taking up all of her time, but Naomi brushed it off easily when he mentioned it.

“It’s what mamas are for, pumpkin,” she’d tell him.

When he turned around, he found Naomi waiting for him at the foot of the stairs.  “Let’s head to bed,” she said.  “That alright?”

Will nodded and Naomi walked him to his room – his _real_ room, now that they’d finally finished renovating, save for a few finishing touches.  He and his mother had a few projects they were working on – crafts that Naomi had seen online and wanted to try out.  Naomi loved to try out new hobbies; she was artsy in more realms than music, and fairly handy, too.  Will liked working on the little projects with her, like the lanterns they were making for his balcony.  It relaxed him.  He could see something tangible and beautiful being created by his own two hands, and that, to him, was truly amazing.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Naomi said, kissing Will’s forehead.  “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Will answered softly.  And he did – gods, he did.  He didn’t know where he’d be if it weren’t for Naomi Solace.

*  *  *

Naomi owned a great deal of land in the Austin suburbs.  Her home was located a ways back from the road, boasting a beautifully landscaped front yard that was maintained by a gardener who visited every week.  A long, red brick driveway lead to the garage on the side of the house, and the entrance to the property was surrounded by a fenced-in courtyard, with an intercom at the gate that guests used to call to notify Naomi of their arrival.  All in all, the Solace residence was beautiful, spacious, and secure.

And that was why Will and Naomi both nearly jumped out of their skin when there was a knock on the front door as they were eating breakfast one morning.

They exchanged a glance and Will felt his trained defences go up.  Will was not a warrior; he was a healer.  He’d never been like Nico or Percy or Jason or Reyna.  Still, Will was a demigod – a son of Apollo, at that – and he knew how to fight.  Demigods attracted trouble wherever they went; they had to learn to be apprehensive and to expect a battle at the unlikeliest of times.

As an older, more experienced demigod, Will was more in control of his powers and he rarely attracted monsters anymore.  He’d been lured into thinking he and his mother would be safe in the outskirts of Austin.  But if he’d brought danger here, to his mother’s house....

If he couldn’t protect her....

If he lost her, too....

He’d watch her die, just like he’d watched Nico.  He’d be powerless to stop it, too weak to save her and too slow to heal her.

He’d see Nico burn all over again.

Naomi got up from her chair to answer the door and Will grabbed her wrist.  “Wait,” he whispered.  “I...I brought a bronze knife with me.  Let me get it, just in case.”

Naomi hesitated before nodding and Will pushed away from the table, racing to his room to retrieve the knife from where he’d kept it hidden in his suitcase.  Naomi was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs when he got back, and he nodded to her, gripping the handle of the knife tightly.

“It’ll be fine,” Naomi told him, reaching out to touch his arm.  “Maybe I forgot to close the gate last night.  Or maybe it’s my secretary, she knows the code to get in.”

Naomi’s secretary never knocked on the door.  Naomi’s secretary was also on maternity leave.

Still, Will nodded and followed behind her to the front door.  Through the frosted glass, Will could see that whoever was outside looked human enough, but he knew that didn’t mean much.

“I’m going to open the door,” Naomi told him quietly.

“And if you don’t know who it is....”

Naomi nodded, then she turned away and opened the door, leaving barely enough room to look though without being impolite, like she was trying to hide Will.

Will watched a flash of surprise cross her face.  “You came,” she said.

“Of course I came,” said a familiar voice, and Naomi stepped back and opened the door wider to let Will’s father in.

Dressed in a pair of salmon-colored shorts and a loose, half-unbuttoned white shirt with a pair of sunglasses hanging from the front, Apollo looked more like he belonged on a beach in the summer than outside in coldest months of winter.  He had a bit of an undercut, which was new, and with his unlined, tan face, he looked barely a few years older than Will.

 _“Dad?”_ Will asked in shock.

“The one and only!” Apollo happily replied.  “Good to see you, Will.  And Naomi, you look as lovely as ever.”  He and Naomi exchanged kisses on their cheeks like old friends before Apollo turned back to Will.  “What’s that for?” he asked, eyeing the knife in Will’s hand.

Will glanced at the weapon he’d hastily grabbed from his room.  “I...I thought you were a monster.”

“Well, that’s not very nice,” Apollo scoffed.

“Apollo, what are you wearing?” Naomi asked with a tired sigh as she shut the front door, like she had to ask that question all the time.

“Oh, do you like it?” Apollo asked, spreading his arms and looking down at his own outfit.  “Iris said that salmon is a good color for me.  It compliments my complexion, don’t you think?”

“It’s very nice, but it’s January.  That isn’t appropriate for this time of year.”

“Ah,” Apollo said, glancing outside the windowed front door to the frost coating the yard.  “You always did tell me that I don’t blend in very well.”

Naomi patted Apollo’s shoulder.  “It’s alright.  You did a very good job knocking on the door, but next time, would you mind using the intercom on the gate?”

“Oh, is that what that was for?” Apollo asked.  “Sorry about that.”

“It’s just fine, dear,” Naomi said.  “We just sat down for breakfast.  Care to join us?”

Apollo looked skeptical.  “Are you cooking?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” Naomi answered with a dismissive wave.  “We’re having cereal.”

“Lucky Charms,” Will added unhelpfully.

Apollo looked horrified.  “Not on my watch.  Breakfast is on me!”

Will expected Apollo to usher them to his sun chariot to take them out to a bakery in the city, but instead, he walked straight into the kitchen and asked Naomi where she kept her frying pans.

Will was still confused as to why Apollo was there in the first place.  Naomi had acted surprised to see him, but she’d said, _“You came,”_ like they’d agreed he would visit, but Naomi didn’t quite believe him.  Will didn’t think his parents had seen each other  since his high school graduation.  As far as he was aware, they weren’t in contact.  Still, watching them chatting in the kitchen as Apollo scoured the place for ingredients, he never would’ve guessed that they hadn’t seen each other since before Will was born.  They talked and joked and laughed like old friends.

“I can’t believe you still don’t cook,” Apollo said.  “I thought I taught you better than that back in the day.”

“You certainly did try,” Naomi said, then she looked at Will.  “He used to make me breakfast every morning.”

“How did you know how to cook?” Will asked his dad, still completely confused by the entire situation.  “You don’t need to cook.”

“I picked it up somewhere along the way,” Apollo said.  “I’ve been mortal more than once, you know.  Besides, breakfast is my specialty.  Why did you think the Jimmy Dean guy dresses up like a sun?  It’s a homage to me, of course.  Apollo, the god of breakfast!”

Will had never heard anyone say that his father was the god of breakfast, but he decided not to comment.  He also had a faint memory of Jimmy Dean dropping the sun mascot after launching meals for lunch and dinner, but, again, he decided against bringing it up.

“And didn’t you know that many of the best musicians worked in the food industry before making it big?”  Apollo frowned contemplatively.  “Although, usually their employment involved deep fryers.”  After pondering for a moment, he shrugged.  “Anyway, I tried to teach your mother, but she just let me do all the work.  She always demanded these heavy breakfast foods, like biscuits and gravy _and_ bacon _and_ eggs.”

“I deserved it, after how hard I worked at night,” Naomi said, elbowing Apollo playfully.  Apollo winked back.  Will gagged.

“That’s disgusting,” he said, curling his lip.

“Oh, honey, it’s perfectly natural,” Naomi said dismissively.  “How did you think your father and I made you?”

“Gods, please stop,” Will groaned, rubbing his temple.

“I didn’t say anything!” Apollo insisted, as though Will had accused him.  “It was all your mother!”

It took Will a moment to understand Apollo’s defensive reaction.  “No, I didn’t mean...it’s just a figure of speech.”

Naomi laughed before saying, “Will, sweetie, why don’t you feed the dogs while your dad works on breakfast?”  

Will got the feeling she actually meant, _Run off and play while the adults talk about important grown-up things._

“Okay,” Will said slowly before backing out of the kitchen.  His parents were silent as Will walked to the closet under the stairs to grab the dog food – they were probably waiting for him to be out of earshot before talking.  A part of Will was tempted to listen in, but he’d never been especially sneaky.  Nico used to make fun of him for that all the time.

Will put on a coat and slipped on a pair of shoes waiting at the back door, then he called out to the dogs and led them outside.  Scout sniffed his shoes with interest while Will poured the food and Dixie danced excitedly by her bowl.  Their water bowl had frozen overnight, so he dumped it out and refilled it with the garden hose.  All of this took little more than a minute to accomplish, so Will waited a bit longer before going back inside to give his parents time to talk.  He rubbed the coarse fur on Dixie’s back while she ate, and when Scout licked his fingers to get his attention, he reached down to scratch her ears.  

When Will decided that he had waited long enough, he took the dog food and went back inside, shaking the cold winter morning frost off his shoes.  There were still voices coming from the kitchen.

“I still can’t believe you came,” he heard his mother say.

“Does that surprise you?” Apollo asked.  “You were the one who called for me.”

Will frowned.  Naomi had asked Apollo to come?  Since when had the two of them been in contact?

“Well, I didn’t expect an answer.”

“I guess I’m just a sensitive, empathetic kind of god, aren’t I?” Apollo said proudly.  “I come when I’m needed.”

“Child support would’ve been nice.”

“Ah.  Yes.  That...that makes sense.”

Will smiled to himself; his mother did have a talent for putting people in their place.  Still, Will didn’t like to eavesdrop, so he made sure his footfalls were heavy enough to hear when he put away the dog food and removed his coat.  When he entered the kitchen, Naomi smiled at him.

“Your dad just finished,” she said.  “C’mon.  Let’s eat.”

Whenever Will ate at Naomi’s table, she made it feel like every seat was taken.  It was never lonely when it was just the two of them – or the three of them, when the housekeeper was still around.  Still, It surprised Will how natural it felt to eat breakfast with both his parents.  He was amazed at how easily the conversation flowed between the two of them.

“Wonderful job on that last record deal,” Apollo said to Naomi at one point.  “It was clever of you to snatch that kid while he was available.  I see great things in his future.”  Apollo tapped his temple with a grin, as though to remind them of his prophetic abilities.

“Thank you,” Naomi said excitedly.  “I saw his YouTube hits and I said, ‘I’ve got to write up a contract.’  My secretary thinks I’m crazy, but I can tell he’ll be great.”

It confused Will; Apollo had never been around when Will was younger.  If his parents were on such good terms, why hadn’t she called him before?  When she was pregnant and homeless?  When Will was young and Naomi was struggling to raise him on her own?  Had they _always_ been on good terms, or was this something new?

...oh, gods, what if they got back together?

Will felt sick at the thought.

“Why don’t you and your dad feed the koi?” Naomi suggested when they finished eating.  “I’m going into the studio for the rest of the day – it’ll give you two some time to yourselves.  How’s that sound?”

Will was puzzled, but nodded.  His mother was leaving him alone with Apollo?  She trusted him – both of them – enough for that?

He didn’t question her, though.  He just nodded and pulled away from the table, then he helped his mother clean the dishes, and, after both he and his mother had changed and she bade him goodbye before leaving the house, Will led his father to the backyard.  The dogs were playing in the snow – snow was rare in Austin and the dogs had always gotten easily excited by it.  Will introduced the dogs to his dad while he got the koi food, then he led the way to the koi.  

A simple wooden bridge arched over the pond.  It was one of Will’s favorite places in his mother’s property (the other being his small private balcony, where he’d kept a garden in his youth).  He used to sit on the bridge by himself for hours at a time, reading a book or letting his mind wander while he watched the fish swim.  Nico had liked it there, too.  Will remembered bringing Nico to Texas to meet Naomi for the first time.  The morning after the first night of the visit, Naomi had gone into the studio early, so Will took their time alone to show Nico around the house.  The tour had ended in the backyard with the two of them standing side-by-side, leaning against the railing of that very bridge.  It had been summer at the time; Will remembered thinking that Nico’s skin looked beautifully tan and admiring the way the Texas sun shining on Nico’s black hair had made it look almost brown.  

 _“What are you looking at?”_ Nico had asked.

Will had smiled, ducking his head to hide his blush.   _“Nothing.”_

Will had watched out of the corner of his eye as Nico’s lips quirked up and he placed his hand on top of Will’s on the railing.   _“Hey, Will?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I love you.”_

It hadn’t been the first time Nico had said those words to him – not by a long shot.  Nico had said it more often than Will would’ve expected; it was like he’d needed to say the words just to remind himself that it was real.  It wasn’t a dream.  They were together.

Until they weren’t.

Will swallowed back the memory of how he’d whispered the words back as he’d leaned down to kiss Nico on that bridge.  

“Mama loves animals, if you hadn’t noticed,” Will said, dropping a handful of fish food into Apollo’s palm.

“I noticed,” Apollo confirmed.  Will wondered if she’d loved animals that much when she and Apollo had been together, but he didn’t ask.  He didn’t want to know any more about their relationship than he had to.

Apollo looked out over the pond, watching the fish race to the surface of the water in pursuit of the food as he dropped in the pellets.  “Naomi called me,” he said.

Will said nothing, nor did he change his expression.

“We can talk,” Apollo went on.

Will nodded in silence.  He wasn’t sure how to talk to his dad; Apollo wasn’t exactly the traditional father.  He hadn’t raised Will – in fact, sometimes Will felt like _he_ was the one raising Apollo.  Still, there were occasions, however rare, that Apollo did or said something to remind Will that he was very old and very wise.  Apollo had given him advice on healing, reassured him when he second-guessed himself, and had even, once or twice, been there for Will when he was unsure how to be a good brother or a good boyfriend.  So when Apollo offered to talk, Will knew he meant it.

“Do I have to say it?” Will asked softly.  He didn’t want to tell his story; not again.  It was too tiring, too humiliating, and too hard to repeat, especially now that he’d messed up yet again.

“I won’t force you to,” Apollo said.  “Your mother explained what I wasn’t already aware of.  Unless you have more to say?”

Will shrugged, sprinkling more fish food into the pond and watching the koi voraciously fight to get closest to the surface.  “Not really.”

“Alright, then, I’m going to tell you everything I know.  If you have anything to add, go ahead and interrupt me.”  Will nodded when Apollo paused, but he didn’t meet his father’s eyes.  “Nico died,” Apollo stated.  “You were there.  You blame yourself for losing him.”

Will swallowed.  Apollo took his silence as a confirmation.

“You’ve been trying to cope on your own,” Apollo said.  “You’ve tried self-medicating with alcohol and engaging in reckless sexual behavior.  You decided to leave school and you came here to live with Naomi.  And you’ve considered suicide.”

Will wanted to say no; he wanted to deny that last bit of what Apollo had said.  Everything else was embarrassing, to say the least, but revealing that he had contemplated killing himself made him want to curl up and hide, to protect the thin shreds of privacy and poise that he had left.

“Will?”

“Yes,” Will whispered, closing his stinging eyes.  A few hot tears burned as they slid down his cheeks.  He hated those tears; they broke through his weak attempt at composure so easily, tearing down his carefully constructed walls like they were made of paper.  “Yes.  I’ve...I’ve thought about it.  I don’t think I’m in any danger of actually _doing_ it right now, but...I’ve thought about it.”

Will jumped when he felt Apollo’s hand on his shoulder.  “Thank you for being honest,” Apollo said, his voice gentle and melodious, reminding Will of the soft tunes his mother liked to play for him on the piano.  “And Will?  It’s going to be okay.”

A broken sob escaped Will’s lips, and more tears leaked from Will’s eyes, freezing as they dribbled down his cheeks.  Will didn’t even have the dignity to care what he looked like as he used his sleeve to wipe away the wetness that was quickly covering his face, and when Apollo hugged him, Will went limp in his dad’s embrace.  

Apollo let him cry until he couldn’t cry anymore, and then Will finally collected himself, straightened up, and dried his eyes.  “I...um...I used protection,” Will stuttered.  “So not...not _totally_ reckless sex.”

“Okay, good,” Apollo said.  “That’s good, Will.  It means you still care.”

Will blinked, trying to comprehend what Apollo meant by that.  “But I...just don’t want to hurt anyone.  If I....”

“You _care,”_ Apollo repeated.  “Give yourself some credit; every little bit counts.  If you’re taking preventative measures like that, it means you’re still putting in some effort.”  

Will shrugged; he didn’t really think of it that way.  Using protection was just what you were supposed to do.  He wasn’t doing anything especially admirable.

“Look, I’ve been in love, Will,” Apollo said.  “And I’ve lost loves.  I’ve definitely felt responsible for losing some of them.”  Apollo sighed and rubbed his brow.  “I know what it’s like to feel hurt and alone.”

Will glanced at his dad before turning his eyes back on the pond.  Will assumed he was talking about Hyacinthus and Daphne; he’d never told Will much about them, but sometimes Will caught his dad with a sad, far off look in his eyes, and he’d always wondered if Apollo was thinking about his lost loves at those times.

“But I’m not...I’m not doing this out of love,” Will said.  “I’m not even doing it out of lust.  I’m still so in love with him, dad.  He’s the only one I want.”

“Yes,” Apollo agreed.  “You are still in love with him.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that you always will be – I mean, I’m still in love with Hyacinthus.  Will, you don’t have to stop loving him.  I don’t want you to think that’s the only way you can be happy.  And yes, I think that you can be happy.”

How could he be?  Whenever Will used to dream of a future, Nico had been a part of it.  Nico would be by his side at the wedding alter.  Nico would be there every night when Will went to bed and every morning when Will woke up.  Nico would make dinner, Nico would keep him safe, Nico would remind Will to slow down and take breaks when he overworked himself.  Nico would learn about being a parent with him, if they’d ever decided to adopt.  Nico would be there to accept Will’s love and he would always return it.  What was happiness, if not a life with Nico?  Will couldn’t imagine a life with anyone else – the thought made him sick.  He wasn’t anywhere even close to being ready for that.  Nico was his world; how could anyone else even compare?

“I...I can’t,” Will whispered.  “He was supposed to be with me.  I can’t be happy if I’m alone, and I can’t be happy with anyone but him.”

“I don’t think you have to forget about him or move on,” Apollo said.  “Will, don’t think about moving on if it makes you uncomfortable, okay?  It’s okay if you aren’t ready.  And you _aren’t_ alone.  You have your mom and your friends and a dad who’d like to be more involved.  Happiness doesn’t have to involve a boyfriend.”

It didn’t, Will knew.  But the word ‘boyfriend’ had never seemed to completely encompass everything that Nico meant to him.

“I...I can’t even think about the future right now,” Will admitted.  He couldn’t dream.  He couldn’t imagine anything farther ahead than that evening.

“Then take smaller steps,” Apollo said.  “Listen, I’m going to New Rome.  I want you to come with me.”

Will’s heart thudded heavily in his chest.  New Rome?  But he couldn’t go back there.  He couldn’t face Jason or Hazel or the others.  He didn’t want his younger siblings or his friends to see him in his pathetic state.

“I think it’ll be good for you,” Apollo said.  Will wanted to shake his head and tell him no, that it was a horrible idea and he couldn’t go back, but then Apollo continued.  “It’ll be Nico’s birthday tomorrow.  I think you should visit his grave.”

Will looked pointedly at the fish swimming below them, at the rough, splintering old wood under his hands, at the pellets of fish food resting on the surface of the pond, waiting to be eaten.  Anywhere but his father.  He hadn’t forgotten about Nico’s birthday.  He’d just avoided thinking about it.

“I...I can’t go back,” he whispered.

“Sure you can,” Apollo said.  “The passenger’s seat in the sun chariot is open.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know.”

Will bit his lip.  What would they all think of him?  Could he keep his visit secret?  Would he have to talk to anyone?  He couldn’t face Jason – he wasn’t ready for that by a long shot.  “I don’t know,” he said, trying to think of something he could say to refuse, but simultaneously searching for excuses to convince himself that he should go.  He was thinking about re-enrolling, wasn’t he?  Ever since Piper brought it up, the idea had been in the back of his mind.  If he was going back there to study, then he should be able to go there for a day trip.

“I’ll bring you back afterward,” Apollo said.  “It’s just for a day.”

 _I’m scared,_ Will wanted to say.  He was terrified to go back to New Rome and face everyone.  He was terrified to go to Nico’s grave.  What would he feel?  Would he feel unwelcome there, like he had when he visited Bianca?  What if he ran into someone else who had gone to the cemetery to pay their respects to Nico?  

But what if he _didn’t_ go?  What about the guilt that Will knew would consume him if he passed up this opportunity?  It was just a day. He didn’t even have to buy a plane ticket; his dad would take him there and back.

“One day,” Will agreed quietly.  “I’ll go.”

So until Naomi came home, Will spent the day barely paying attention to his father while second-guessing his decision to go, trying to talk himself out of it, talking himself back into it, and feeling overwhelmingly hopeless about the entire situation.  He knew he had to go.  He couldn’t miss paying his respects; if he used his anxiety and depression as an excuse not to go, he knew wouldn’t forgive himself.

It felt odd when Apollo sat in front of the piano and began to play; it was Will’s mother’s spot, not his.  There had been so many evenings when Will sat on the sofa in the den while his mother played for him, and it was both nostalgic and foreign when his father did the same.  Apollo, being the god of music, was obviously more talented than his mother and his music had a different tone, but there was still something comforting about hearing him play.  Will enjoyed the piano, but it was only when his mother played that it made him feel relaxed and comforted, like his mother was wrapping him in a warm blanket with her music.  Something about Apollo playing was reminiscent of that – it was separate from the divine talent that he had or the way he’d been known to bring people to tears with only a few notes.  Will knew that it was because Apollo was his father, and even if he hadn’t always been present, he, like Naomi, made Will feel safe.

When Naomi came home, Will and Apollo told her that Will would be leaving to spend the next day in New Rome.  Apollo would fly him out in the sun chariot early the next morning and would have him home by evening.  When he managed to get a private word with her, Will looked at Naomi and whispered, “You prayed to him for me?”

“Of course,” Naomi answered.  “I used to do it when you were a boy, too; I’d ask for guidance or for some sort of favor.  And right now, I think your dad should be involved, even if he is very important and busy.  Will, I love you – unconditionally.  After what you told me, I would be a bad mama if I didn’t ask for help.”

Will bit his lip unsteadily.  “You called my dad for me,” he said.

“Sweetheart, there’s not much that I wouldn’t do for you,” Naomi pointed out.  “And this...this is beyond my capacity.  This is _serious._  I can’t help you alone, and if I can’t get you to agree to a doctor, you’d better believe I’ll call the god of healing himself.”

The next morning, Naomi hugged him and kissed him goodbye, told Apollo keep her baby safe, and waved them off as Apollo drove his sun chariot (in the form of a bright yellow sports car) into the sky.

Apollo played ‘80’s hits and sang along on the way to New Rome.  He tried to get Will to sing, too, but Will adamantly refused.  Apollo managed to make the original artists seem like talentless wannabes; Will didn’t want to find out what his dad would make _him_ sound like.  So instead, Will slumped in the passenger’s seat, dreading the possibility of running into anyone he knew and wishing he could turn around, go back home, and hide under the covers of his bed.

But they reached New Rome a couple hours before lunch time and Apollo parked his sun chariot, ushered a very reluctant Will out, and told him that he was going to Camp Jupiter, but when Will was ready, he could go back to the sun chariot and Apollo would take him home.

Will thought about just staying in the sun chariot until Apollo got back.  But, no; his father had parked close to the cemetery.  Will knew he had to go.  That, and there was the lock of hair he had cut from his head the night before, planning to leave it at Nico’s grave.  Nico used to do that for Bianca; he’d explained that it was an ancient Greek tradition to leave a lock of hair at the grave of a loved one.  Will figured that Nico would like it if Will did that for him.  He’d stored the lock of hair in his pocket, along with a tealight and a box of matches.

So Will, taking the lock of hair in hand, drudged up the hill and into the graveyard to find it, thankfully, empty – that was, until he entered the tomb for Pluto’s children and legacies and discovered another mourner kneeling before Nico’s urn.  Will thought about backing out of the tomb and running away to hide until the area was completely empty.  But Reyna turned her head before he could take so much as a step back.

For a moment, they only looked at each other.  Will could not read her expression, but her eyes were red, as though she’d been on the verge of tears.  But then Reyna smiled, her eyes still sad, and she said, “Will!”

When she got up and went to him with open arms, Will could do nothing but accept her hug, the lock of hair still balled in his fist.  “I’m so glad you came,” she said, her arms still around him.  When she stepped back, she squeezed his arms and asked, “When did you get in?  Why didn’t you call me?”

“Just now; my dad brought me,” Will said, his voice quiet and rough.  He thought about explaining further, but figured Reyna wouldn’t care much about his internal struggle over his decision to go.  

“Oh, wow,” Reyna said, surprising Will with the amount of interest conveyed by her tone.  “So he just gave you a ride in the sun chariot?”

Will shrugged.  “Pretty much,” he answered without elaborating.

Reyna paused, like she was giving him a chance to continue.  When Will didn’t, she once again asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“I...I dunno,” Will lied.

“Well, everyone’s here,” Reyna said.  She pulled out her phone and replied to a text and Will used the opportunity to stash the lock of hair in his pocket.  He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want anyone to see it.  “Percy and Annabeth came down.  Leo and Calypso, too.  We were going to meet up for lunch.”

Was that an invitation?  Oh, gods, if he had to eat lunch with all of them – all those people who had been so close to Nico....

“I understand if you don’t want to go,” Reyna said, looking up from her phone.  “If you want to keep this visit quiet, I can do that for you.  I just figured you should know in case you wanted to join us.”

Will shook his head.  Maybe it was rude to turn her down, but the dread he felt when thinking about seeing Nico’s friends outweighed his desire to be polite.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Okay,” Reyna said, without betraying any disappointment.  “Is it alright if I tell them I saw you?”

“What?”  Will raised his eyes in surprise.  He’d hoped to keep his visit as quiet as possible.  “Why?”

“They’re worried,” Reyna said.  “We haven’t heard much from you since you left.  I heard you met with Percy and Annabeth last month and Piper told me she’d gotten in contact with you, but other than that, you’ve been pretty silent.”

Will looked away again.  No, he hadn’t contacted anyone.  He didn’t think anyone wanted to hear from him.

“I texted you,” Reyna said.  “You didn’t answer.”

“I haven’t opened it,” Will blurted out.  Truthfully, he’d forgotten about it; he’d learned to ignore the steadily rising number of texts in his inbox.  He’d been to afraid to look.  On occasion, he’d glance through, and there had been the one time that Will had replied to Piper, but other than that, he’d avoided communication altogether.  “Sorry.”

“Well, it scared me,” Reyna said.  “I figured that you just wanted to be left alone, so I didn’t want to push, but I’ve been worried about you.  I’ve been so afraid that if something happened to you, or if you needed someone...I wouldn’t know.  I wouldn’t be able to help.  Text me every now and then, just to give me some peace of mind.”

“Sorry,” Will repeated.  He wasn’t sure if Reyna meant what she’d said, but if she’d gone through the effort of saying it, it probably meant she’d been _somewhat_ worried.

“I don’t want you to apologize; I want you to text me,” Reyna muttered, and she checked her phone again.  “Do you want to come over for a bit?”

Will shook his head.  “No.  That’s okay.  I was hoping to get some time alone here.”

Reyna stashed her phone back in her pocket.  “You sure?  I’d like to catch up some more.  You can come back later today.”

“No.  Thanks, though.”

There was a pause, then Reyna said, “Will, I think you should come back later.”

“Why?” Will asked with a frown.

“Because people are coming,” Reyna answered.  She hesitated, then continued, “Jason’s coming.  Piper just texted me.”

Will’s heart plummeted.  “Oh.”  So Jason was still angry.  Jason still hated him.

“Look, Will, come over for a bit.  If you don’t want to join us for lunch, you should come back here then.  We’ll all be busy and you can have some time alone with Nico.”

“And...and Jason....”

Reyna nervously fiddled with her ring.  “He’ll come around, Will.  He just doesn’t know what to think right now.  He wouldn’t say anything or do anything, it’s just...I know you want to keep this quiet and I have a feeling that Jason is the person you’re most worried about.”

Will swallowed.  “Okay,” he agreed, and then he belatedly added, “Thanks.”

“Of course.  And...Will, Jason’s mad at me, too.  It’s not just you.”

“What?  Why would he be mad at you?”

Reyna sighed and started leading Will away from the cemetery.  “Because I didn’t bring Nico back home.  Because I’m here and he’s not.  Jason doesn’t mean any harm, Will, he’s just...he’s having a hard time.”

 _No,_ I’m _having a hard time,_ Will wanted to say, but he kept his mouth shut.

Reyna walked Will to her apartment, which wasn’t far from the one Will had lived with Nico in.  Along the way, she asked, “Are you doing better at home?”

Will’s impulse was to say ‘yes, I’m fine,’ but he ended up saying, “No.”

“Isn’t there any improvement?”

More like a lack of certain stressors, but nothing had improved.  Will didn’t feel like saying that, though.  He just said, “No.”

“Well, you’ve gained weight,” Reyna commented.

“W-what?” Will asked, glancing down at his body.

“You lost a lot of weight before you left.  It’s good to see you’re gaining it back.”

 _I’m not exercising,_ Will thought.   _It’s not good weight.  I’m not taking care of myself.  I look terrible._

And woah, where did _that_ thought come from?  Sure, Will had his insecurities; everyone did.  But he’d never fostered such negative thoughts about his body.

Great.  Just another way that Will was screwed up.

“I really missed you, Will,” Reyna said when Will was quiet for a while.  “So do the kids who work in the infirmary.  They liked having you around.”

Will made a noncommittal sound.

“We missed you a _lot,”_ Reyna insisted.  Will realized that she was trying to get a response from him, but he wasn’t sure what to say.  She was only saying that because she knew Will wasn’t doing very well.

They reached Reyna’s apartment and she let them in and asked if she could get Will anything to eat or drink.  Will said no; Apollo had made breakfast again that morning (and Will had still found it odd to watch the god of medicine, music, and the sun make him scrambled eggs).  Reyna still forced a glass of water into his hand with the excuse that California was in a drought, so Will accepted it.  She sat with him on the sofa and lured him into a conversation, but Will did his best to avoid her questions.  

“Will,” Reyna finally said.  “Why won’t you talk to me?”

Will swallowed.  “I....”

“I just want to know if you’re okay,” she said.  “I’ve been so worried about you, Will.”

Will closed his eyes.  He didn’t want to talk.  He was _tired_ of talking.  He’d just talked to his father the day before; hadn’t he bared his soul enough for a week?

But still, a part of him wanted to talk to Reyna.  She always was able to loan him her strength.  Everytime that Will had gone to her for advice in the past, she’d matched his sorrow and given him courage.  He felt like he needed that.

“I feel like I’m losing myself,” Will said.  “It’s not...it’s not just about Nico anymore.  Maybe that was the start of it all, but now...now I’ve totally fallen apart.  I’m not okay, Reyna.  Not at all.”  Will paused for a moment.  “But I’d like to be.”

“You’re depressed, Will,” Reyna said.  “You’re ill, and that means there’s a cure.  I know you stopped seeing your therapist, but have you found anyone else?”

“No,” Will said.  “But you know I can’t talk to a mortal.”

“We’ve got lots of doctors here,” She suggested.  “You could schedule sessions to take place over Iris Message.”

Will shrugged.  He really was tired of talking.  He didn’t want a doctor.

“I...I did it again,” he whispered anyway, because there was still that part of him that wanted Reyna to console him.

“Did what?”

Will looked at her.  “You know, Reyna.”

“Oh.”  Reyna was quiet and thoughtful for a moment.

“I didn’t mean to,” Will added when she didn’t respond for a while.  “I...I just panicked.”

“It’s okay,” Reyna said.  “It’s okay, Will.  Like I said before, it’s not healthy, but...don’t hate yourself for it.  I don’t think any less of you because of this, got it?”

Will frowned.  She must think less of him.  Why wouldn’t she?  He’d screwed up.  He’d given up hope.

“I still think you’re great,” she went on.  “I just miss the old Will and I’m worried about you, okay?  I’m not mad at you at all.”

“I...I miss the old Will too,” Will admitted.  He missed being responsible and successful.  He missed working in the infirmary.  He missed smiling and laughing and feeling comfortable around his friends.

Of course, he missed Nico, too.  But Nico wasn’t all that Will had lost.

“I think you can be your old self again,” Reyna said.  “And if I can do anything to help, I will.  There are a lot of people here who want to help you, Will.  All you have to do is ask.”

But asking was so hard.  He hated admitting that he needed help because why would anyone want to have to worry about his problems?  He didn’t want to be a burden.

“I have to go soon,” Reyna said after checking the time.  “You sure you don’t want to come along for lunch?”

“I’m sure,” Will replied.

Reyna accepted his answer with a nod.  He was glad she didn’t push.

“Are you staying the night?” she asked.  “You can stay with me.”

Will shook his head.  “No.  I’m going home.  Dad said he’d take me.”

“Okay.  Will you be here when I come back?”

“Probably not,” Will said.  He doubted he’d want to talk to anyone after he’d finished paying his respects.

“Then I guess I’ll say goodbye now.  Text me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Seriously, Will.   _Text me._ I expect to receive a message today letting me know that you’ve gotten home safely.”

“Okay.”

“If I don’t receive that text, you’d better believe that I will bombard your phone with messages and calls.”

_“Okay.”_

Reyna cracked a small, barely-there smile at Will’s tone.  “I miss you,” she said without context.  “Anytime you need a friend, I’m here.  And if you ever want to talk about Nico...I won’t pretend I understand how you feel, but I was there, too.  You don’t have to feel alone.  Of course, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, too.  You can tell me all about genetics or rare brain diseases or stomach tumors or ornithology or whatever it is you’re into these days.  Anything you want.”

Will snorted.  “Ornithology?”

“I can’t keep up with your hobbies.  For all I know, you could be into it.”

“I prefer gardening.”

“Fine.  Tell me all about the glories of weeding plants.  I’ll listen – I mean it.”

Will managed a grin.  Maybe she _did_ mean it.  “Okay.  Thanks, Reyna.  And would you mind telling Piper that I’m thinking about what she told me to think about?”

“And that means...?”

“I’ve been considering re-enrolling.”

“Really?” Reyna asked, her face lighting up.  “Here?”

Will shrugged.  “I guess,” he said.  He hadn’t thought about going anywhere else.

“That’s great, Will!”

Will shrugged.  “I don’t know if I’ll come back yet.  I’m still thinking.”  A part of him – a surprisingly large part – missed school.  He missed studying and experimenting and dreaming about his future.  He missed thinking about med school.  He missed his plan to become a doctor.

Maybe, if he went back to school, he’d be able to find a piece of himself that he’d left behind; the ambitious, studious Will that he’d been before Nico died and he fell apart.  He wanted to be that Will again.

“Still, I’m glad,” Reyna said.  “You shouldn’t have any trouble getting back in.  The professors love you.”

Will frowned.  They did?  After how much he’d slacked off his last semester?  Certainly, they had before, but now?

“If you need anything, just let me know,” Reyna went on.  “I can help you get in contact with administrators, pull a few strings here and there–”

“Thanks,” Will cut in.  “Really.  Thanks, Reyna.”

“Well, I care about you,” she said.  “And I have a lot of faith in you.  I guess I’ll see you around, then?”

“Yeah,” he said.  “I’ll text you tonight.”

Reyna stepped forward and gave him a hug.  “I’m really glad you came,” she whispered as she let him go.  “You can stay here for a bit before going to the cemetery, okay?  Just lock up when you leave.”

“Okay.  Bye, Reyna.”

“Bye, Will.”  She squeezed his shoulder and smiled for him before grabbing her keys and wallet and leaving, offering a wave as she walked out.  

He sat back down for a  bit before getting up, then he washed his cup in the kitchen sink and put it away for Reyna.  After checking his pocket to make sure the lock of hair was still there, Will headed back down to the cemetery.

It really was empty when he arrived for the second time.  No one was in the tomb, but gifts for Nico littered the area around his urn, proving that it hadn’t been long since the last visitor left.  Will knelt before Nico’s urn, relieved that he could talk to Nico alone, and he took out the tealight in his pocket, struck a match, and lit the wick.

“Hi, Nico,” he said softly.  “It’s been a while.  I was scared to come back, but...I guess I had to wish you a happy birthday.  Finally 21, huh?  If you were still here, you’d be able to drink legally...but I’ll bet there are piña coladas in Elysium, aren’t there?  I’m trying not to drink, though.  It doesn’t seem like drinking is a good idea for me right now.  I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, I just...I’ve been using it to cope and it hasn’t worked out well.”  

Will cleared his throat.  “Anyway, I...I brought you something.  You always did this for Bianca, so I figured...well, it just felt like the right thing to do.”  He pulled the lock of hair from his pocket and added it to the gifts in front of Nico’s urn.  “I hope it was a good day for you.  It must’ve been nice to get all those visitors.  Or, knowing you, it might’ve been overwhelming.  The others are doing lunch right now, so it’s just us for a bit, then...well, then I’m going back to Texas.  I’ll come back, though.  Maybe even go back to school.  That would be nice, wouldn’t it?  Then I could come see you whenever I wanted.  I would like that.  I’d come here more than I did before, don’t worry.”

Will thought for a moment.  He hadn’t planned out what he was going to say, so he wasn’t sure what he should tell Nico.  “I...I, um...it’s been really hard, Nico.  It’s not just that I miss you, either; I’ve just...I feel like I’ve hit a wall and I can’t move forward.  I really wish you were here.  You’d know what to do.”

After a pause, Will, not wanting to talk about his emotional state, completely changed the topic.  “I spent some time with Reyna today.  That was nice.  And yesterday my dad and I hung out.  It was...surprisingly cool.  He and my mom are getting along really well and it’s kind of creeping me out.  I really hope they aren’t going to get back together.  That would be _so_ awkward.”

Will bit his lip and whispered, “I...I’d really like to go back to school.  When I can.  Maybe in the fall.  I’d like to try again and see if I can do it.  I don’t know that I’d be able to get through it with the way things are right now, but I’m hoping that I will be soon.  Goals are a good thing to have, aren’t they?  That was something that used to help you when your depression hit you kinda hard.  Oh, and I should stop drinking.  That’s another goal.”  Will hesitated.  “Sorry, I keep jumping from topic to topic, don’t I?  I’m having a hard time staying on task.  You always _did_ have that effect on me.  I was talking about seeing Reyna and my dad, wasn’t I?  Well, anyway, I think I’m going to try to talk to Reyna more.  Hazel and Piper, too.  They’re good friends.  Percy, too.  Oh!  That reminds me, I ran into Percy in December.  I visited Bianca for you and we went out to dinner.  That was nice, too.  Overwhelming, but nice.”

And so Will babbled on for a while, talking about Bianca and his struggle with whether or not he should visit her, and the discomfort he’d felt when he got there.  He told Nico about Christmas and the panic attack he’d had a few days later.  He confessed that he was afraid of seeing Nico’s friends, particularly Jason.  Will knew he had to face Jason eventually, but he was quite content to avoid him for the time being.

“I know you love him,” Will said, “and I certainly don’t blame him for being so angry, I just...I’m scared.”

Will wasn’t sure how long he stayed there.  His stomach growled a demand for lunch at some point, but he ignored it and continued talking.  It felt good to be so open; he didn’t have to fear disappointed sighs or frowns, reprimands, or pity.  He could just let out everything he was feeling.

When Will finally stood up, his knees were sore and his legs had fallen asleep.  He stumbled before regaining his balance.  “Sorry,” he mumbled.  “You used to make fun of me for being clumsy all the time.  Anyway, I should go.  I don’t know if someone else will want to come see you and...well, this was something I wanted to do alone.  I’m going to come back.  I promise.  But for now...I love you, Nico.  And I miss you.  So much.”

 

The sun only travelled one way – or maybe that was just what Apollo said as an excuse to fly over the Pacific Ocean, then Asia, then Europe, then the Atlantic Ocean, before taking Will back home to Naomi.  Will didn’t really see the point; after all, the sun chariot had circumnavigated the world in less than a day and Apollo had put it in what he called “lights off” mode.  It wasn’t like flying east would upset the flow of time.  And it had all gone by so quickly that Will barely got the chance to see anything – apart from the time that Apollo decided to take a break in Japan and bought two bowls of ramen for himself and Will (real ramen, not the stuff Will had stocked in his pantry when he was going to UNR).  

They arrived back in Texas that evening to find Naomi waiting with dinner on the way (pizza that night).  After they ate, Apollo bid them farewell and announced that he had to get back to his duties.  Naomi and Will walked him to the front door, where Apollo hugged Will before turning to his mother.  “Naomi,” Apollo said with a smile.  “Thanks for taking care of him.”

“He’s my only baby,” his mother answered.  “I’ll always take care of him.  And thank you for coming to see him.  You’ve got a good heart.”

Will’s parents exchanged kisses on each cheek, then Apollo looked back at Will.  “You’re gonna be just fine, Will,”  he said, then tapped his temple, as though to remind Will that he was the god of prophecy.  “Keep talking to your mom, and don’t shut your friends out.  And don’t be afraid to ask me for help, either.”

“Okay,” Will whispered.

“See ya, kid,” Apollo said, patting Will’s shoulder.  And then he was gone.

Naomi shut the front door and said, “You’ve had a long day.  Want to head to bed early?”

Will nodded, realizing how tired he was, but he hadn’t gotten halfway upstairs before he turned back and said, “Mama?”

Naomi turned back toward him.  “Yeah, pumpkin?”

“You’re not going to...you know...date him or anything, are you?” Will asked in a hushed voice.

“What?   _Apollo?_  Of course not,” Naomi answered.  “Honey, that ship sailed a long time ago.  He’s a good guy, but...just no.”  Naomi shook her head without elaborating, something for which Will was glad.  He didn’t need to hear more about his parents’ love affair than he already had.

*  *  *

Things got better.  It wasn’t immediate and he took a step back for every two steps forward, but slowly and steadily, Will improved.

He didn’t feel happy.  Sure, there were times that he laughed and smiled with his mother, but he never felt truly at ease.  He still wasn’t quite sure how to cope with his remorse or the anxiety and depression that had yet to fade away, but rather than panic-stricken, dejected, and hopeless, he was numb and lost.  He wasn’t quite sure _what_ he felt or if it was even healthy, but it was better than before.

Naomi would bring Will to the recording studio a few times a week.  Sometimes, Will sat and read while his mother worked.  He’d found some of his old textbooks in his storage, so he busied himself with studying.  Slowly, the dream of becoming a doctor came back to him.  There were moments, however rare, when Will would feel a sudden twinge of excitement at the idea of going back to school.

It had been a long time since he’d last felt excited about anything.

He did other things when he accompanied his mother to the recording studio, of course.  He even socialized on occasion, which was actually a big deal for him, even though he’d thought of himself as an outgoing person.  For several months, Will had been terrified of social interaction; every step made a difference.  When one singer got a sore throat, he gave her a cough drop and touched her shoulder, discreetly using his demigod gifts to ease the pain and hasten her recovery.  When a drummer had a sudden panic attack, Will talked him through it and gave him tips on how he could handle panic attacks on his own and prevent them from happening in the future.  (It was ironic, Will knew, that _he_ would help someone through a panic attack.)  When Naomi’s secretary brought her baby into the studio to care for while she worked, Will would watch, feed, and play with the baby while she was busy.

Will liked helping people.  He’d forgotten how much.

Will even texted Reyna, like she’d asked him to.  Once a week, at first, but with time, it became a daily occurrence.  He texted Piper and Hazel, too.  The four of them even set up a group chat, which could be overwhelming at times, but Will liked it because it meant he could keep up with things that were going on in New Rome and, when Piper visited New York, Camp Halfblood.  And when Will didn’t want to talk, he sometimes liked watching them talk to each other because they got along so well and they always had fun when they got in contact with each other.  Will still sometimes texted or called them individually when he needed the privacy and intimacy of talking to one person at a time, but he loved the group chat.

On a four-way Iris message in February, the girls reminded Will that Hazel would get off school for spring break soon and asked if he wanted to do something with them.  “We could take a trip somewhere,” Piper suggested.  “Or you could come to us.  Or, if you and your mom are up for it, we could go to Austin.”

“I’ll think about it,” Will answered.

“Just let us know,” Reyna said.

So Will brought it up with Naomi later.  She had been predictably enthusiastic about the idea of the girls coming to visit (she loved having guests, especially if her son brought them).

“Any time you want to have someone over, you just let me know,” Naomi told him.  

And so when March came, Reyna, Piper, and Hazel flew into Austin via pegasi.  

“Hi, Will, hi, Ms. Solace!” Piper said when Naomi and Will met the girls at the front door.  They’d let the pegasi roam freely, as pegasi prefered to do.  Will was glad Reyna, Piper, and Hazel didn’t bring them onto the property out of fear that his mother would try to adopt them.

“It’s Naomi, dear,” Will’s mother said, gently patting Piper’s cheek.

Will was surprised Piper didn’t swoon.  Her eyes lit up and a shy, goofy smile appeared on her face, and when she looked at the other three, her expression screamed, _She touched me omigods she touched me she touched me she touched me!_

Naomi and Will had set up the guest rooms, so each of the girls got a room to themselves.  After they’d settled in, Naomi gave Will her keys and her credit card and suggested he take them out to lunch, so Will drove them into the city to eat at a café he knew had good vegetarian options.  

“Have you put any more thought into coming back?” Reyna asked as they were waiting for their food.

Will sighed.  It was a conversation that the four of them had had many times, and Will was warming up to the idea more and more.  Still, it scared him.  “I think I’d like to,” he said.  “I’m just...worried, I guess.”

“Understandable,” Hazel said.  “But we’re enrolling in classes soon, so if you want to come back in the fall, you should get in contact with the dean.”

“What are you worried about?” Piper asked.

“I didn’t exactly leave on good terms with my professors,” Will said.  “And I’m scared that I’ll get there and realize that I’m not ready.”

The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their food, but as soon as the waiter left, Hazel turned her attention back to Will.  “First off, your professors love you.  A few of them have stopped me to ask if I’ve heard from you, and I’m not even in their department.”

“And if you aren’t ready, then you can withdraw,” Reyna added.  “But don’t you think it’s a good idea to at least _try?”_

Will took a deep breath.  “What about Jason?”

The girls exchanged a glance.

“What _about_ Jason?” Hazel asked.

“How does he feel about me coming back?”

“You know what, Will?” Piper said.  “If he has a problem with it, he’s going to have to suck it up.  This isn’t about _Jason._ This is about _you.”_

“But–”

“Jason’s been irritable all the time,” Piper went on.  “Trust me, I’m working on it.  He’s upset and it might take him a little time, but he’ll come around.  He’s already sorry for the way he talked to you before he left.  He knows that he went too far.”

“But if I come back, will he–”

“I don’t think he’ll talk to you that way again,” Piper said.  “He feels really guilty about it, Will.”

“He’s still angry at me, though, isn’t he?”

“It’s more that he doesn’t understand you,” Reyna said.  “He’s frustrated.”

“Don’t let Jason prevent you from going back to school,” Hazel said.  “There are plenty of people who are ready to back you up if he decides to be an ass.”

Will chewed on his sandwich for a while without answering.  By the time he swallowed, he’d finally made his decision.  

“Alright,” he said.  “I’m going to try going back to school.”

 

The rest of the week was amazing.  Will hadn’t been around friends so much in a long time and he’d forgotten how good it felt to be with people he liked.  He showed them around Austin, watched them play with the cats and dogs, accepted their help when they offered to be with him as he contacted UNR’s dean, and listened warily when Naomi told them stories about her career and Will’s childhood.  Piper was, as usual, enamoured with Naomi Solace.  She took every opportunity to spend time with Naomi or talk to Naomi or ask Naomi questions.

Of course, she paid attention to Will, too.  But she wasn’t crushing on Will.

“Would you stop flirting with my mother?” he hissed once.

“I’m not flirting!” Piper said defensively.  “I’m just being friendly.”

“You’re flirting a little bit,” Hazel put in.

Later in the week, Will woke up early one morning to the sound of the piano and his mother’s voice.  Another voice joined hers – Piper’s voice.  The way they harmonized – his mother’s professional training along with the comfort Will associated with her voice, accompanied by Piper, who, although not trained outside of Camp Halfblood music classes, had a calming tone – was incredibly soothing.  Will was lured down the stairs to find Piper sitting with his mother on the piano bench, and he listened quietly as they sang.

A sudden cough escaped Will’s throat, alerting them to his presence.  Naomi smiled at him. “Sorry, sweetheart, did we wake you?”

Will cleared his throat before speaking.  “N-no, it’s alright.  I...I liked that.”

And he did.  He hadn’t realized exactly how much he admired and was comforted by the both of them until he’d heard them sing together.

“Would you like to join us, Will?” Naomi asked.

Will shook his head.  He didn’t want to disrupt the beautiful music that the two women were creating; he would only mess it up.  “I’d rather just listen,” he said.

Naomi sighed and looked up at Piper.  “He has such a good voice, you know,” she said.  “Yet he refuses to sing unless he’s forced.”

Will smiled weakly and stepped out of the doorway.  “I...I’m going to shower,” he lied, thinking that he could sit on the stairs and listen to them sing again if he drew their attention away from himself.  He escaped around the corner without waiting for them to reply.

“He used to sing for Nico,” Will overheard Piper say as he sat on the stairs to listen to them sing.  “Nico told me about it.  Will’s always been insecure about his voice, but with Nico, he would sing.”


	4. See the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE RETURNED MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
> Again, sorry for the wait. This chapter wasn't working for me and then OMGitsgreen basically whooped my ass and handed it back to me when I asked for advice. ~~I'm still licking my wounds.~~  
>  ~~Just kidding ilu <3 ~~  
> Here you go, Green. I hope the Cecellis makes you happy.

The summer went by quickly.  

Will went camping with Kayla and Austin in May.  It had been a lot of fun; they’d gone hiking and canoeing and had made s’mores every night.  Naomi had gone to LA to make a guest appearance on _The Voice_ while Will was on his trip.  She’d been quite excited about it and had brought Will and her stylist shopping so that she could pick out a new outfit to wear on camera.

In June, Will got a call from Annabeth saying that she and Percy were going through Austin on their way to New Rome and asked if he’d like to meet up.  Will hadn’t understood why they were traveling to Austin, as it wasn’t exactly along the way, but he’d invited them over to Naomi’s house anyway (which Naomi had been thrilled about).  Percy and Annabeth brought Mrs. O’Leary with them, using her ability to shadow-travel to get to New Rome.  Naomi wasn’t quite able to see through the Mist, so she probably thought the dog was a mastiff rather than a hellhound.  It was a good thing that Mrs. O’Leary was a friendly dog, because Naomi probably would’ve adopted her if she didn’t already have owners.  That evening, Percy and Annabeth went out to dinner with Will and Naomi, and then they stayed the night at Naomi’s house.  In the morning, the two sat down with Will and told him they’d gotten engaged.

“The wedding probably won’t be for another year or two; we haven’t made plans yet,” Annabeth said.  “But we’d like you to be a part of it.”

“You...want me?”

“We want you to be in the wedding party,” Percy said.  “One of my groomsmen.”

“O-okay,” Will stuttered in surprise.  “Yeah, I can...of course I’ll be in your wedding party.”

They hugged Will goodbye in the afternoon before making the jump to New Rome, telling him that it had been good to see him and that they hoped to get together again soon.

In July, Will met Lou Ellen and Cecil in San Diego, where they spent four days sight-seeing, trying out restaurants, running from the occasional harpy, and relaxing along the shore.  He and Cecil had made plans to live together in New Rome when the next school year came around; Cecil had already found a two-bedroom apartment for them.  Will and Cecil had shared a dorm room their freshman year, so Will felt comfortable living with him again.

And before Will knew it, August came around and he was traveling to New Rome again.

Will took a low course load to start with; he didn’t want to feel too overwhelmed by college.  It might take him a little longer to graduate, but Will had already decided not to worry about that.  

Being at college brought along a host of problems that Will hadn’t expected.  It had been a while since Will had consistently been around other people his age.  Had they always been so sex-crazed?  Maybe Will hadn’t thought much of it before because he and Nico had satisfied each other fairly well, then after Nico, he’d avoided people at all costs.  In any case, college students had sex.  They talked about sex.  And it made Will very, very uncomfortable.

He felt sick when he thought about it.  It seemed disgusting and dirty and immoral – not for everyone, of course.  Just for Will.  He didn’t want sex.  He didn’t want to think about sex.  He didn’t want to hear about sex.

Unfortunately, Will’s roommate and his boyfriend were still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and, by consequence, were fairly sexually active.

Will tried not to care when Cecil brought Ellis over.  He got along with Ellis just fine.  Maybe he’d found the guy annoyingly gruff at first, but he’d warmed up to Ellis when he got back to New Rome only to find out that – surprise surprise! – his best friend had found himself a boyfriend.  So, no, it wasn’t that Will had a problem with Ellis or his relationship with Cecil.  It was the soft moans and grunts and groans that he sometimes heard coming from Cecil’s room that Will had a problem with.

Cecil, of course, was free to do what he wanted.  But hearing those sounds made Will think about sex, and every time he thought about someone touching his body, Will felt like breaking down in tears because he didn’t want it.  He felt stupid.  Was he just being prudish?  What right did he have to be a prude, anyway?  Was he being selfish?  And shouldn’t he be okay with sex?  He was 21, after all – about to turn 22.  It was weird for someone his age to be so disgusted by sex.

Will _knew_ that it wasn’t weird.  But he didn’t believe it.

Eventually, after getting some advice from Piper, Will talked to Cecil about it.

“Look,” Will said while stumbling through his explanation, “you live here, too, and I don’t want to tell you that you can’t have your boyfriend over–”

“Will, I get it,” Cecil replied.

“I mean, he can come over, of course, I’m fine with Ellis, it’s just...I don’t want to make this a hassle for you.”

“You aren’t.  You’re my roommate.  We’re supposed to take care of each other, right?  If it makes you uncomfortable when Ellis stays over, then–”

“No, he can stay over.  I just...don’t want to hear.”

“Oh.  Sorry, were we being loud?”

Will swallowed and turned away awkwardly.  “Not too terribly loud.  Cecil, it’s just me, okay?  It’s just my problems with...with...you know.”

“Sex?”

He closed his eyes and nodded before replying.  “I don’t want to think about it.  Maybe...maybe you could do that at his place?  If it’s not too much trouble.  I mean, I can put on music or something.  I just...I hear voices like that and...I remember things I’d rather forget.”

And thank the gods that Will had a friend like Cecil, because he went out of his way to make Will feel comfortable.  He made meals for Will.  He planned hang-out nights when they invited Lou over to inhale junk food and binge-watch shows on Netflix.  He was always there if Will needed someone to talk to, and he stayed out of Will’s way when he needed to study.

It did take Will a few weeks to get on board with the studying.  It had been a while since he’d gone to school, so he had a hard time adjusting at first.  But he made it through, and soon, he was earning the grades he had before his depression struck.

The girls were there for him, too.  They each had tried to talk him into therapy on more than one occasion, but Will still didn’t feel comfortable with it.  Piper also tried to get him to go on jogs with her, but Will hadn’t agreed yet.  He still felt tired all the time and running didn’t seem pleasant.  He went out to lunch with Hazel once a week, and sometimes they studied together silently in the library.  Reyna had gotten everything set up for him in New Rome, so he had no trouble settling in.  He suspected that she threatened anyone who so much as looked at Will funny, because he didn’t hear any bad words about his withdrawal from school.

And Jason?  Well, Will wasn’t sure about Jason.  He seemed so stoic and Will couldn’t read him.  They could stand to be in the same room, but never spoke to each other.  A few times Will tried (unsuccessfully and without much persistence) to talk to Jason, but Jason always turned away, maybe sparing Will a glance.  There were also times that he thought maybe Jason was trying to approach him, but Will would get scared and avoid him.

Being independent again was hard.  A part of him didn’t know what to do without Naomi.  Cecil was great, but he was a friend.  The same went for Reyna, Piper, and Hazel; he wasn’t the most important person in their lives and they all were dealing with their own problems.  They couldn’t be there for him like his mama could, nor could they possibly emulate the motherly, nurturing side of Naomi.  Despite his friends’ best efforts, Will felt lonely.  He felt like he was struggling to swim in a sea of strangers when there wasn’t a lifeguard on duty.

So was Will okay?  No.  Better, but not okay.

Will still had his low days.  It was rare for him to sleep through the night.  There were times that it became hard to gather enough energy to get out of bed.  There were nights that Will stayed up until the early hours of morning, crying softly into his pillow so Cecil wouldn’t hear.  He wouldn’t even know why he was crying – so many things were wrong; Nico, Will’s inability to function like everyone else, and the crippling anxiety that followed Will everywhere.  Sometimes, he was irritable; he’d snap at Cecil and he was cold to anyone who tried to talk to him.  Other times, Will felt nothing; he’d be devoid of emotion, unable to find joy or humor in anything, unable to care even when things went wrong because there didn’t seem to be a point.  And then there were times when Will was filled with useless, restless energy, desperate for something to release the unmanageable tension in his body.  He wished for something – anything – to end the hurt.

Yes, those days still happened.  Will figured they always would.  He figured he deserved it.

The anniversary of Nico’s death fell about a week after Will’s 22nd birthday.

Will woke up early that morning to go to the cemetery.  His limbs felt heavy and his head felt sore and it took him a half hour to drag himself out of bed.  It was raining, which Will thought was fitting.  He put on a jacket before leaving home.  It was too small in the shoulders and felt tight around his neck.

He walked.  The sky was grey and the air was thick with sticky humidity.  It was hot.  Will felt cold.  

When he got to the tomb, he lit a candle.  He offered Nico a lock of his hair, then he knelt in front of the urn.  He wasn’t sure what to say, so he didn’t say anything at all.

He passed Jason on his way out.  Their eyes met, but neither of them said anything.  Will wondered if Jason thought he was merely pretending to be a mourning widow.  He wondered if Jason still thought he didn’t care about Nico.

But Will did.  He cared so much.  Too much.

Will knew he should go to class, but why would he when he could stay in bed, stay under the blankets in his cold room, stay where he could be alone and empty without burdening anyone?  A day without him in it wouldn’t be so bad, would it?  It wouldn’t matter.

He wondered what it would be like if he faded away.  He was so hollow that there wasn’t much left, anyway.

Will heard his phone buzz on his nightstand.  He ignored it.

Will wanted to drink.  He could fill himself with the toxic poison of alcohol, and then he wouldn’t be empty anymore.  It was so hard to make it through a day when the days seemed so long.  It was so hard to pretend he was okay.  Why bother?  It didn’t matter.

Did anything matter?

He felt cold, so cold – freezing to his bones and veins.  His thoughts felt soggy and uncoordinated, like he was wading through a half-frozen stream against its current.  His nose felt like ice, his lips were broken.  He buried himself a grave of blankets, but still, he felt cold as if his skin and blankets were paper-thin.  The rain tapped on the rooftop like it was calling him – calling him to drink, to drown....

He wished he could sleep it all away, but he hadn’t been able to sleep through the night in so long.  He wanted to rest.  His head hurt.  His eyes were dry.  There was a throbbing pain at the base of his skull.  Had he eaten that day?  He couldn’t recall.  Maybe he’d starve if he didn’t eat.

His eyes drifted shut.  Sleep.  Rest.  He was so tired.  He wanted to sleep.  He didn’t want to wake back up.  If only....

Just one sip.

Just one drink.

Just one night.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Day turned into night and Will wanted to drink.  He wanted something, anything, to make himself feel.  He knew he shouldn’t, but he was weak.  Why resist?

Cecil tried to talk to him when he got home.  He sat on the edge of Will’s bed, asking questions that Will couldn’t remember a minute later.  Will brushed him off, attempting to convince him that he was alright.  It didn’t work, of course.  

Will wanted to drink.

“I’m going for a drive,” Will mumbled that evening, when the thoughts swirling in his head got to be too much.  “I just need to be alone for a little while.  I need to...to think.”

Cecil looked up from where he was sitting at the kitchen table, pouring over a software engineering textbook.  “Uh, no you’re not,” he said, getting up from the table.

Will shook his head, not understanding why Cecil would get in his way.  “I just need a little time,” he said, heading towards the door.

Cecil planted himself firmly in front of the door and said, “No.  You’ve been by yourself all day.  I let you have your alone time.  I’m _not_ letting you go out by yourself.”

Will sighed in tired frustration.  “You can’t _ground_ me,” he said.

“Well, I am,” Cecil protested.  “Where were you planning on going, Will?”

“Just...around,” Will lied, starting to grow angry.  He wanted to drink.  He _needed_ it.  Why couldn’t Cecil let him go?  He didn’t want to talk.  Words were too hard.  “Cecil, come on, I really just need to get out.”

“Then take me with you.”

“I want to be alone.”

“Then go to your room.”

Will scowled.  “Fine,” he said, marching back into his room and slamming the door shut behind him.  He’d just go through the window if that was what he had to do.

It had stopped raining by the time Will tugged back his curtains and lifted the glass pane.  They were on the first floor, but the apartment complex had a high foundation, so Will had to plot his fall carefully.  He landed with his feet on the soft, muddy ground without hurting anything too much – a pity, really – and he reached into his pocket for his keys on the way to the parking lot.

His pocket was empty.  No keys, no wallet.

“Godsdammit, Cecil,” Will muttered.  He’d _pick-pocketed_ Will.  Will _hated_ it when Cecil pick-pocketed him – it used to happen all the time when they were at camp.  He didn’t feel up to climbing back through the window, so he marched up to their apartment and banged on the door.

Cecil opened up with a smirk on his face.  “Can I help you?” he asked.

“You’re lucky I’m such a pacifist,” Will scowled, pushing past him to get into the apartment.  “My keys?”

Cecil held them up, but snatched them away when Will grabbed for them.  “Are you going to take me with you?” he asked.

“No,” Will said irritably.  “I want to be _alone.”_ He needed it.  He didn’t want to talk.  Only to drink.

“And why do you need your keys and wallet, Will?” Cecil asked.  “Where were you planning on going?”

“I want to drive and my license is in my wallet,” Will answered, grabbing for his keys again.

“Mm, no,” Cecil said, moving his hand out of reach and shutting the door.  “I don’t think I want you operating heavy machinery right now.”

_“Cecil!”_

“I said _no,_ Will.  I will not let you go anywhere alone right now.  Either you stay here, or you take someone with you.”

Will huffed and tried to hold back the urge to throw a tantrum.  “Cecil, please,” he begged.   _“Please.”_

“Sit down, Will,” Cecil ordered, pointing to the couch.  Will did as he was told, but not without grunting in his annoyance.  “We both know what you’re trying to do,” Cecil said, putting Will’s keys in his pocket and folding his arms.  “Listen, do you have any clue how _terrified_ I was when I broke into your place last year and found you passed out in your own puke?  I thought you’d _died,_ Will!”

 _Maybe I wanted to,_ Will thought.   _Maybe a part of me still wouldn’t mind it._

“I’m not letting you do it again,” Cecil said.  “If you want to get out, fine.  But I will go with you and I will _not_ let you drink.”

“You were the one who got me to drink in the first place,” Will mumbled.

 _“I_ was?” Cecil said incredulously.  “I never–”  He cut himself off and frowned.  After a moment, he said, “You mean that party?”

Will grunted.

“Was...was that the start of all this?” Cecil asked.  “Did I do that?”

Will glanced up at him.  “Don’t be ridiculous,” he mumbled.  “It’s not your fault, Cecil.  I would’ve started drinking no matter what.”

Cecil swore, then he plopped down on the couch next to Will.  “I’m so, so, sorry, Will,” he said.  “I should’ve never taken you there.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.  To me, at least.  You scared me so much at that bonfire, you know.”  Cecil sighed.  “Look, Will, I wish I’d been there for you more.  I can’t tell you how much I regret it.  I’m trying to make up for it now, but–”

“Are you kidding?” Will said.  “Cecil, you make me breakfast every day.  You used to break into my place to make me breakfast.  I should be doing that by myself – my dad’s the _god_ of breakfast – but you do it for me.”

“Wait, Apollo’s the god of breakfast?” Cecil asked.  “Is that why the only food you can make is waffles?”

“I don’t know,” Will muttered.  “Apparently.”

“Sounds like a story you’re going to have to tell me.”

“Remind me later.”

“Will do.  Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into Cecil’s Pity Party.  Will, how about we do something?  Let’s eat ice cream instead of drinking.  Do something healthy.”

“Healthy...like ice cream?” Will deadpanned.

“It’s good for your pancreas.”

“You’re full of shit, Cecil.”

Cecil waved a hand dismissively.  “Nah, I just pooped.”

Will cracked a smile and shoved his shoulder.  “Gods, you’re disgusting.  Why am I friends with you?”

“Ellis thinks I’m funny.”

“Yeah, well, do you talk about poop when you’re up his ass?”

“Occasionally,” Cecil said.  “Why, did you with Nico?”

“The topic came up.”

Cecil blinked.  “Wait, for real?”

Will blinked back.  “...You were joking?”

“Will Solace, you are a nasty kinkster,” Cecil said with a devilish grin.

“Cecil–”

“It’s good to know that after all these years, we’re still learning about each other.”

“Oh, my gods, Cecil, we dated for six years!” Will said.  “We were pretty comfortable talking about bodily excretions with each other and the topic of crap came up once or twice–”

“Yes, but while you were up his ass?”

“I mean...I...Cecil, I’m a pre-med student!  It takes a lot to faze me.”

Cecil cackled and Will couldn’t help laughing a little, too.  When he finally calmed down, Cecil looked at Will, smiled, and said, “You made a sex joke.”

“Everyone makes sex jokes.”

“Not you.  Not since Nico.”

Will pursed his lips.  That was true.  Over time, he’d started becoming more and more disgusted by sex.  With Nico, it hadn’t seemed that way.  But after everything that had happened, it seemed vile.   _Will_ seemed vile.

“He was up _my_ ass, actually,” Will said, because he liked making Cecil uncomfortable and he didn’t want to think about his feelings.

“Wha... _Will,_ godsdammit, I am declaring this conversation _over.”_

Will chuckled.

Cecil rubbed his temple, saying, “I really need some Lethe water after this.”  He smiled when Will laughed, then he said, “You seem like you’re in a better mood now.”

Will sighed.  “Yeah.  I still wouldn’t mind a drink, though.”

“Not happening.”

“I figured.”

Cecil got up and walked to the kitchen, then he came back with two spoons and a tub of Brownie Blast ice cream, which was sold at the parlor down the street owned by a daughter of Bubona.  “Ice cream tastes better anyway,” Cecil said, settling back down next to Will.  He passed Will a spoon and opened the tub, then he took a generous spoonful and shoved it in his mouth.

“Brownie Blast,” Will mused, taking a spoonful for himself.

“I swear to Hades,” Cecil said around a mouthful of ice cream, “if you make a poop joke right now–“

“Okay, okay,” Will relented.

Cecil stuck his spoon back in the tub.  “So.  Do you want to talk?”

“Not especially.”

“‘Kay.”  Cecil popped his spoon in his mouth.

Will took his time enjoying the flavor of chocolate, and after a while, he said, “You’re an ass, Cecil.”

“Why?” Cecil asked.  “I mean, yes, but remind me what I did specifically to make you say that?”

“You pick-pocketed me.  Again.”

“Old habits die hard,” Cecil said nonchalantly.  “So, how was your visit with Nico today?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk.”

Cecil sucked on his spoon and pulled it out with a _pop._ “Humor me.”

Will sighed.  “Well, I went.  I sat there and felt sad.  I left.”

“Will,” Cecil said.  “I’m your best friend.  You _can_ talk to me about shit on occasion.”

“You said you didn’t want to talk about shit.”

“Fucking smart ass, not the poop kind of shit.  The feelings and emotions kind of shit.”

“Well,” Will said thoughtfully.  “I feel like shit.”

Cecil squinted.  “Okay, fine, I’ll take it.”  He gestured to the ice cream.  “Eat.  It’s good for your pancreas.”

Will obeyed.

“So,” Cecil said.  “Do you want to go back?”

After swallowing, Will asked, “To the cemetery?”

“Sure.”

“Not especially.  I’ll go back, but not today.”

“Tomorrow, then,” Cecil suggested.  Will raised an eyebrow at him, and Cecil sighed.  “Normally, when you come back from the cemetery, you seem more upbeat than usual.  But not today.  So I was just wondering if you didn’t get whatever you needed from that.”

Will shrugged.  Maybe he hadn’t.  He hadn’t been able to speak to Nico.  He’d woken up feeling so defeated that morning that he hadn’t been able to talk.  He wasn’t sure going back would fix that.

“What about a candle?” Cecil suggested.

Will glanced up.  “What?” he asked, because he’d never mentioned the candles to Cecil.  “How did you know–”

“We live together, dumbass,” Cecil said.  “I can smell it.  And once you left your door open.  I just figured it had to do with Nico.”

Will squinted.  “You haven’t bugged my room again, have you?”

“Okay, I haven’t done that since we were 15.  I’ve grown out of that phase, thank you very much.  I respect people’s privacy now.”  Will snorted, but Cecil ignored him.  “So.  Candle.  Want to get one?”

Will thought about it as he spooned out more ice cream.  “Yeah, okay,” he agreed.  He may as well.  It might make him feel better.

“Cool.  Hold on a minute.”  Cecil pushed the tub into Will’s lap and stood up – Will took the opportunity to shovel a heap of ice cream in his mouth – and he went over to his backpack by the kitchen table and pulled out a deep red candle in a glass jar.  “I knew today would be rough for you, so I went out and bought you a present,” he said, and he grabbed some matches from a drawer in the kitchen and went back over to Will.  “Here,” he said, passing Will the candle.

Will, spoon hanging from his mouth, set the tub of ice cream aside and took the candle in his hands.  When he read the label and saw that it was pomegranate scented, he looked up at Cecil and took his spoon from his mouth.  “Is this a joke or a sentimental, well thought-out gift?” he asked, because knowing his friend, it could very well be either one.

“A bit of both,” Cecil said with a shrug.  “A sentimental bro hug would be accepted.”

Will rolled his eyes, but gave in when Cecil opened his arms.

Plopping back onto the sofa, Cecil reclaimed the tub of ice cream.  He tossed the matches on the plank of wood lying on stacks of old magazines and textbooks that they used for a coffee table.  “Want to light it?” he asked.

Will nodded silently and flipped the lid off the glass jar, struck a match, and lit the wick.  After setting it on the ‘coffee table,’ he leaned back on the sofa and stole the ice cream away from Cecil.  It felt nice to look at the candle even though it didn’t actually smell like pomegranates very much; although he’d once feared the fire, it seemed comforting to him now.

“I do it for him,” Will explained quietly, even though Cecil already knew as much.  “Whenever I miss him or I feel like I need him.”

“It’s a smart idea,” Cecil said, snatching the ice cream away.

Will didn’t answer.  He tapped his spoon on his lower lip, then he said, “Thanks.  You’ve been patient and considerate and...it means a lot to me.  So thank you.”

Cecil gave him a genuine, caring smile, and said, “That’s so gay, bro.”

Will shoved him. _“You’re_ gay.”

“For your information, I am _bi.”_

“Trust me, I know.  Remember that fiasco when you thought you were in love with Lou?”

“We do not speak of The Lou Fiasco,” Cecil hissed.  “And I swear by the Styx, if you tell her–”

“I’m not gonna tell her,” Will assured with a roll of his eyes.  He didn’t _want_ to tell her.  That would be uncomfortable in a variety of ways – and not just because Cecil would probably coat his room in silly string.

They were quiet for a while longer, enjoying Brownie Blast ice cream and watching a candle melt.  Will really did appreciate everything Cecil had done for him.  They might act rude with each other, but that was they way things had always been.  It was their twisted way of showing they cared.  

“Hey, Cecil?” Will said later.

“Mhmm?”

“Your candle smells like shit.”

“Fuck you.”

*  *   *

He’d arranged to have lunch with Hazel a few days later.  It was hot; New Rome was always hot in September.  But Will liked the heat, so he and Hazel ate outside.

“Will?” Hazel said, not looking up from her salad.  “You don’t have classes the rest of the day, do you?”

Will shook his head.  “No, why?”

“Because I thought that if you’d like, I could walk you to the counseling center.”

Will dropped his fork.  “What?”

“I know you keep telling me no, but I figured I should ask again,” Hazel said.  “I really think it could be good for you, Will.  I went to the counseling center when Nico died; it helped me a lot.  I still go, just less often now.  I learned how to manage my grief on my own.  I just thought...maybe, if I offered to take you there, you’d be more comfortable with the idea.”

Will shoveled a forkful of lettuce into his mouth and thought about her offer.  Maybe he should do it.  Maybe this was the push he needed.  He had secretly been wanting to for a long time, but he’d lacked the courage to go on his own.  Maybe all he needed was someone to walk him there.

“Okay,” he said.  “Yeah.  I’d like that.”

So when they finished, Hazel walked Will across campus to the counseling center and helped him talk to the receptionist.  There was an opening at three in the afternoon that day, so Will took it.  He was told to come a half hour early to fill out paperwork.

“Will you be able to come back here on your own?” Hazel asked when they stepped outside.  “I’d walk you myself, but I have a class at that time.”

“I can do it,” Will said, and he was sure he could.  For once, he felt competent enough to do something by himself.

“Alright,” Hazel said.  “I’ll text you to remind you about the appointment an hour before, okay?”

“Okay,” Will sighed, even though he knew he wasn’t going to forget.  He accepted Hazel’s hug when she offered one, and then he waved her off as she went to class.

Will waited outside his favorite coffee shop for his appointment time, sipping a sweet tea that reminded him of Texas summers and Naomi’s laughter.  He felt surprisingly calm.  The weather was pleasant, his classes were over, it was almost the weekend, and Will had an appointment.  Things were going to be okay.  

Why had he refused this before?  Looking back, it seemed silly to Will.  It was just an hour.  An hour with someone he had never met, but was trained to help people overcome emotional problems.  And yes, he might not like the person he was about to meet, but if he didn’t, he just wouldn’t schedule another appointment.  He’d find someone else.

He received a text from Hazel at two o’clock, reminding him that his session started in an hour and he should get there early.  Will hadn’t forgotten, of course.  He took his time gathering his things before standing up, throwing away his empty cup, and walking back across campus to the counseling center.  He went to the front desk to notify them he’d arrived and was given a packet of papers to fill out – things like his name, his major, and his symptoms.  There were deeper questions, too – ones that forced Will to pause before he answered them honestly.  When he finished, he brought the forms back to the front desk and sat to wait.

Ten minutes later, a woman with dark hair and a friendly smile came into the room and asked for him.  Will stood up and shook her hand when she held it out for him.

“Nice to meet you, Will,” she said kindly.  “I’m Dr. Guerra.  Come on back so we can talk.”

Will nodded, eased into a sense of peace by her smile, and followed her back to her office.  It was small, but cozy, with an overstuffed sofa and armchair, while a desk was hidden behind a screen.  When she told him to take a seat and make himself comfortable, Will slid his messenger bag off his shoulder and settled down on the sofa while she picked up a clipboard and a pen.

“Well, I looked over your intake form, but why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself to start?” she asked as she sat down in the armchair across from Will.  “Have you had any kind of therapy before?”

“Yes,” Will answered.  “After...after Nico died, I went to a doctor for a while.”

“And can you tell me about your experience there?  What worked, and what didn’t?  I’d like to get a feel for how I can help you best.”

Will cleared his throat and rested his shaking hands in his lap, willing himself to be open and honest.  “I...I didn’t feel like he helped.  I didn’t talk.  I felt like he didn’t let me talk – I mean, I have a hard time asking for help sometimes, so it was my fault, too, but...I guess I just need help talking.  I just feel like I’m burdening people if I talk.”

“Okay.  Hopefully I can help you with that.  And what do you want to gain from therapy?”

Will licked his lips and the answer came so easily it surprised him.  “I want to be myself again.”

Dr. Guerra smiled.  “Well, Will, I’ll give you a little introduction to therapy and what I can do for you.  My job is to be your ally and your adviser.  I’m here to help you, to teach you methods to cope, to support your efforts, and to help guide you in the right direction.  And if you’re worried about burdening me, remember that I’m here because it’s my job.  I will never be too busy for you.  You will never disrupt me.”

Will nodded.  It felt good to hear that; he really could talk to Dr. Guerra.  She wasn’t his friend – she was his doctor.  He didn’t have to worry about being selfish.

“I want you to know that this room is a safe place for you,” she said.  “You won’t be judged here.  You can be honest.  Nothing that goes on in here leaves this room – I can’t even acknowledge that you are my patient if someone asks me about you.  The only reason I will break confidentiality is if I have a reasonable belief that you mean harm to yourself or others.  That’s why you signed that confidentiality agreement before you came in.”

Will nodded again.  He knew about all that, of course.  He was familiar with HIPAA regulations.

“Therapy is rooted in science.  It is based on experimental research and clinical case studies.  There is evidence that suggests it works.  I thought you might like to hear that, knowing that you’re a pre-med student.”

Will smiled.  “Yeah, actually.  That does help.”

“Now, therapy has its limits,” she continued.  “I can’t guarantee that I can make you happy.  But I can guarantee that there is hope.  You and I have to work together.  I will do my very best and I will work my hardest to help you.  But therapy isn’t magical; you’re going to need to put in some effort, too.  But you already know that, don’t you?”

Will nodded.  “Yes.”

“Really, the power lies in _you,_ Will,” she said.  “I’m just here to help you see that.”

And then Will talked.  Will told her about Nico’s death without censoring the gruesome details.  He told her about the guilt he felt when he survived while Nico had not.  He told her about the alcohol and the one night stands and the way Jason had spoken to him and leaving school to live with his mother.  He couldn’t look her in the eyes when he admitted to his relapse after New Year’s and his subsequent contemplation of suicide.

“I don’t know if I’m...I’m suicidal,” Will said.  It felt like he had to hurdle a wall to get the word out.  “I...I think about dying a lot.  I don’t take care of myself well.  I used to, but...it doesn’t matter to me anymore.  I don’t have a plan or anything like that.  I haven’t tried anything.  I don’t think I will try anything.  But...I think about dying.”

He went on to talk about his visit on Nico’s birthday, about getting in contact with his friends, and his decision to re-enroll.  He talked about his summer and how he’d finally started to relax, but he still didn’t quite feel like himself.  He explained that his moods had a tendency to shift; he’d be fine one day, but couldn’t crawl out of bed the next.  He couldn’t concentrate, he couldn’t enjoy things he used to love, and he couldn’t sleep.

Dr. Guerra listened carefully, occasionally interjecting with a few words of encouragement or asking a question, and then they talked.  She taught him techniques for coping and gave him a few numbers to call in case of an emergency.  By the end of his session, Will felt relieved.  He wasn’t carrying the burden alone anymore.  He had an ally there to help him.

“Do you have a doctor you see regularly?” Dr. Guerra asked before Will left.

“Uh...no, not really,” Will admitted.  “I usually go to the campus health center or the Camp Jupiter infirmary if I need any kind of immunization or exam.”

Dr. Guerra chuckled.  “You sound like an Apollo kid.  I’ll bet you don’t take sick days either.”

“Guilty,” Will said with a half smile.

“Well, I’d like to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  She wrote something in her notebook and tore out a sheet of paper with the name of a doctor on it.  “See him about getting the medicine we talked about.  I think it’ll help.”

Will nodded.  “Okay.  I will.”

“Go to the front desk and schedule an appointment for next week on your way out,” Dr. Guerra said when Will stood to leave.  “I look forward to seeing you again, Will.  It was a pleasure meeting you.”

“You, too,” he said.  “And...thanks.”

And on his way out, Will scheduled his next appointment.

*  *  *

Will’s mood always deteriorated in the winter.  Something about the cold weather and the fact that there were fewer hours of daylight had him on edge – it was part of being Apollo’s kid, Will assumed, because his siblings tended to get the same way.  He’d never gone through depression as intense as his current state in past years, but he’d consistently been moody and irritable in the winter.  The winter a year before hadn’t been good, either.  Will recalled wanting to strangle Elvis Presley when “Blue Christmas” came on the radio.  He’d had trouble eating and only junk food had seemed remotely appealing.  He’d felt tired all the time.  And then there was the panic attack and the thoughts of death that he tried not to remember.  The rest of Will’s depression might have been the cause of all that, but he suspected that his mood had deteriorated even more because of the season.

So that winter was tough, too.  Not as bad as a year ago – thanks to Dr. Guerra, his friends, his antidepressants, and the good ol’ passage of time – but he still felt awful.  He was more agitated than he’d been all year, he felt anxiously fixated on the idea that he’d mess up anything he touched, and he was constantly worried about burdening the people around him.  

One morning, he forgot to take his antidepressants and the rest of the day was like walking through a nightmare.  He’d felt fuzzy, like a radio losing its signal.  Although he’d gotten out of bed and made it to his classes, he’d felt like he was on the verge of tears all day.  It had been so hard not to run off to find a place to be alone and cry.  He hadn’t been able to reign in his emotions, even though he’d gotten so much better at handling them.  He hid them the best he could, but Will still suffered.  That evening, he’d gone home and quietly cried in his bed, hoping Cecil wouldn’t notice because he didn’t want to be a nuisance.  The thought of drinking did occur to him and he did yearn for some kind of release, possibly death, but he hadn’t been very tempted by either idea.  Of course, he hadn’t had much of a motivation to do anything, but maybe it was an improvement.  Cecil did end up finding him and he’d gone into Will’s room, sat on his bed, and coaxed Will into sitting up so that he could hug Will until he finally stopped crying.

 _“Well,”_ Will had said bitterly the next day, _“I suppose now I know the meds are working.”_

Cecil apparently told some of Will’s siblings about it, because by lunchtime, one of his brothers gave him a pill calendar, saying that “everyone should have one” and he “had an extra lying around.”  Will didn’t bother questioning him; he just smiled and thanked him and told him it was a thoughtful gesture.  He really did appreciate it, though, and he started using it.  The organization made it easier on him.

Will still had nightmares.  Sometimes, he dreamed about losing Nico.  Other times, it was that void with nothing but fog, Nico, and himself.  Every time he woke from a nightmare, he’d try to get back to sleep, but after hours of tossing and turning, he’d go to the kitchen and make himself a cup of chamomile tea.  Sometimes, Will woke up shouting and Cecil would check on Will and stay up with him until he fell asleep again.  Will was grateful, but he hated to see the way Cecil moved so sluggishly the next morning.

Over the course of the semester, he kept going to Dr. Guerra.  Not every session was as easy and comfortable as the first, but they helped.  He felt safe with her.  He wasn’t afraid to talk to her.

It wasn’t easy – sometimes it hurt like hell – but he was making it.  His grades were good, or at least acceptable.  He was spending time with his friends.  He was even looking to be more involved on campus and was considering going back to work in the Camp Jupiter infirmary.

He’d take it one step at a time.  And eventually, he’d be himself again.

Will wasn’t doing it on his own; he had his friends and his therapist to thank for supporting him.  Like Dr. Guerra kept telling him, he was going to get better because it was in his power – and one very powerful, very frightening, and very wise choice that he had made was to ask for help.  He knew that part of the reason he was doing so much better now was because he had a good support system, whereas a year before, he’d felt alone.

And then there was Jason.  Will still tried his best to avoid him, although there were moments when they said a few words to each other – like “Excuse me,” or “Let me help you with that.”  Jason sometimes seemed content to ignore him, but other times, Will could almost believe that Jason was trying to be kind to him.  He sometimes looked at Will apologetically, like he was about to say something, but then one of them would make an excuse and escape.  It wasn’t until winter break, when Annabeth, Percy, Leo, and Calypso came to New Rome and before Will left for Texas, that Piper got them to sit down and talk.

She’d approached Will about it before, and Will believed she’d talked to Jason about it, too.  But Will still thought it was sudden when Piper called him and invited him to meet her in the UNR library to talk things through with Jason, if it was a good time for him.  She promised she’d stay in the room the whole time.  Will was scared, but he agreed.  

UNR hadn’t completely shut down for winter break yet, so Will got into the library quite easily.  To Will’s surprise, Percy met him at the entrance and said, “Piper charmspoke someone into giving her a key to a study room on the second floor.  C’mon.  I’ll take you.”

Will frowned curiously.  “Are you staying?” he asked.

Percy turned back to him.  “If you want me to step outside, I will.  Piper thought it might be nice to have another neutral voice in the room.”

Will still didn’t understand, but he was glad to see Percy.  If something went wrong...well, Percy was the only person besides Nico who could rival Jason in a fight.  Maybe that was why Piper had asked him to come.

Not that he believed Jason would hurt him.  Will didn’t think that Jason would ever physically harm someone who was unarmed.  But if Jason wanted to hurt him, he could.  Jason could probably kill him, if he wanted.  Not that he would.  Not that it would matter if he did.

When Percy knocked on the door to the study room, Piper let them inside and shut the door behind them.  The room was occupied by a round table with four chairs and a white board that Will often used when studying for chemistry.  Jason was sitting at the table, while Piper stood to the side.

“You can sit down, if you want,” Piper said to Will, gesturing to the chair across from where Jason was sitting.  Will hesitantly nodded and perched on the edge of the seat.  He slid his messenger bag onto the floor – he’d been studying in the park when Piper called him and hadn’t had time to run back home and drop it off.

Jason didn’t look up at him when he sat down.  Will _still_ couldn’t tell what he was thinking.  If they were going to be like this the whole time, how were they supposed to talk?

Piper looked like she was at a loss, too.  She cleared her throat and said, “You two have been fighting for over a year.”

“We aren’t fighting,” Jason interrupted.

“Dude, let her talk,” Percy said.

Piper cleared her throat again.  “Jason, don’t interrupt.  Percy, calm down.  Let’s all be calm, okay?  So, as I was saying, I’ve listened to both of you and I understand how you both feel.  I want you two to be honest with each other about what you’re thinking.  So, Jason?  Do you want to start?”

Jason looked mildly irritated when his eyes shifted from Piper to Will – or maybe that was just Will’s imagination.  “I’m sorry for the way I talked to you,” Jason said quietly.  “I was just so mad when you came back without him – I was mad at Reyna about that, too, even though I knew it wasn’t your fault.  And then you just shut yourself off when I needed you, Will.  All I could see was you _not_ mourning – you not visiting Nico’s grave, you not going to Pluto’s temple, you completely ignoring Nico’s best friends.  It was like he never even existed, even though I was missing him so much.  It hurt, Will.”

“Seriously?” Percy said suddenly.  “Dude, that’s pretty fucking selfish.”

“Yeah,” Jason agreed glumly.

 _“Percy,”_ Piper scolded.  “Let them talk.”

But that was it?   _That_ was all that Jason had to say to him?  Will felt angry – angrier than he’d had the energy to feel in a long time.  “You want to know what hurts, Jason?” he said coolly.  “It hurt when you called me a slut.  It hurt when you told me that I didn’t love Nico.  Don’t you have any idea how that made me feel?  How insecure it made me?  How insecure I _still_ feel?”

“Well, maybe it hurt me to hear that you were sleeping with people when your boyfriend of _six years_ had only been dead for a _month,”_ Jason replied bitterly.

“Yes, my boyfriend is _dead!”_ Will shouted.  “My boyfriend is _dead,_ Jason!  I was so in love with him and it’s been over a year and I’m still not okay, I still can’t function like a human being because I feel so hurt and alone and broken!  And what do you mean, you _‘needed me’?_  What the fuck did you need me to do, Jason?  Did you expect me to be there at your beck and call, always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on?  Did you think I should be regular old sunshiny Doctor Solace, always there to cheer you up and make everything better?  My boyfriend _died!_ How the fuck did you expect me to take care of _you_  when I couldn’t even take care of myself?”

“You can’t just go around saying ‘oh, I’m sad,’ like it’s an excuse so you can back out when things get hard.  You were supposed to love him, Will.  You were supposed to mourn for him and respect him.  You can’t tell me that what you did was justified–”

“I didn’t cheat on him!” Will snapped.  He hadn’t.  He _knew_ he hadn’t now.  Those nights hadn’t been about forgetting Nico or moving on – those nights had been about dulling the pain of his heartbreak, then burying his heartbreak with guilt.  “And let’s get something clear.  Quite frankly, what I did and how I felt is none of your business.  I’m talking to you out of _courtesy._ I don’t owe you anything, so you’d better be pretty godsdamn grateful that I’m even here.  I made mistakes, okay?  But it wasn’t about the sex – none of it was.  It was just the only thing I could find that made me stop feeling empty because it made me feel like _shit._ I felt dirty and guilty and that’s why I did it.  And how dare you – how _fucking dare you_ accuse me of not loving Nico.  I was self-conscious and I was weak and I felt like a whore and then _you_ came along and fucking cemented those thoughts and do you have _any idea_ how hard it’s been for me to stop thinking of myself like that?”

“I’m _sorry!”_ Jason said.  “I’m sorry for that.  I’m sorry for being so fucking angry all the time, I’m sorry for being a dick, and I’m sorry for calling you a slut.  You’re not.”

Will didn’t know how to respond.  Should he say, ‘it’s okay, Jason!’ and make nice with him?  But it wasn’t okay.  He still thought about it sometimes.  He still wasn’t convinced that it was untrue.  He said nothing, instead sitting back in his chair with his arms folded, trying to pretend that he wasn’t crying.

Jason had rested his head in his hands, and after a moment, he looked back up again.  “I’m sorry I shouted at you,” he said.  “I...I’d like to start over.”

Will scoffed.

 _“Will,”_ Piper scolded, and Will looked up in surprise.  Why was _he_ being reprimanded?  He was finally – _finally –_ standing up for himself.  “Give Jason a chance to talk,” she said.  “You told me you’d listen.”

Will swallowed and nodded, then slouched back in his seat and waited for Jason to begin.

It took a while before Jason started – maybe he was collecting his thoughts, Will didn’t know.  But when he spoke, his voice cracked and Will realized that he was crying, too.

“I’m sorry,” Jason repeated.  “You’re right; you don’t owe me anything.  I know I was wrong to talk to you the way I did.  I feel terrible about it, Will.  I...I, um...after Nico died, I wasn’t okay.  You know I loved Nico, and it...it hurt to lose him.  And I was so angry – I was always angry.  At you, at Piper, and Reyna and Percy and Leo...and it wasn’t...it wasn’t okay.  None of you deserved it.”  He paused and took a deep breath.  “I’m...I’m trying to get better,” he said.  “I _am_ getting better.  I’ve been...you know, seeing someone.  It’s helping.  I don’t get as angry now and I’m learning to control my temper, but obviously I’m still having trouble.  So I’m sorry for what I said to you and I know that you might not be able to forgive me and I know that I hurt you, but I want you to know that I...I wasn’t well.  I’m trying to get better so that nothing like that will happen again.  And I’m sorry for getting upset and snapping at you earlier.”

When Jason stopped and looked up at Will, Will didn’t know what to say; Nico’s death had torn both of them apart and they’d both dealt with it in unhealthy ways.  Jason had responded his grief with anger, while Will had reacted with depression, hopelessness, alcohol, and sex.

Could Will heal his relationship with Jason?  Could he ever trust Jason again?  He wasn’t sure.  He wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to look at Jason without hearing him call Will a slut or accusing him of never loving Nico.  He understood why Jason had done it now and he believed Jason felt remorse, but he wasn’t sure that he could forgive and forget and move on.

“I’m seeing someone for it, too,” Will admitted quietly.  “I should’ve started sooner, but...I was afraid.”

“Yeah,” Jason muttered.  “Me, too.”

Another moment of silence ticked by, and Will wondered what he should say to help Jason understand, to apologize and explain himself.  Jason had done that for him, after all.

“I....” he started, then he stopped, cleared his throat, and tried again.  “I messed up.”

Jason sighed.  “No, Will–”

“Just let me finish,” Will interrupted.  “I love him, Jason, I love him so much.  It _hurts._ I can’t sleep or eat.  Sometimes, I think I can see him or hear his voice.  I know it’s not real, but....”  Will stopped and brushed away his tears.  He didn’t want to cry in front of so many people.  “I think about him every day,” he went on.  “Gods, I want him back so badly.  Every day I think about what I could’ve done differently because I know I should’ve saved him.  I think about how I failed to heal him – I failed to do the _one thing_ that I’ve ever been good at.  I was too slow.  I failed him.  So whatever hate and anger you feel towards me is nothing compared to how I feel about myself.”

“First off, I don’t hate you,” Jason corrected.  “I’m upset, but I do not and never have hated you.  I’ve always liked you.  You’re a great guy, it’s just...you weren’t acting the way I expected you to act.  I didn’t understand – I didn’t _want_ to understand.  I know that was unfair.”

“I did fuck up, though,” Will said.

“Yeah, well, I fucked up, too.”

Will didn’t answer; it didn’t seem like there was much left to say.  They were both screwed up and had made a mess of things.  Maybe they were getting better, but things still weren’t okay.  Will wasn’t sure they ever would be.

“I’m sorry,” Jason suddenly said again, more quietly than he had before.  “I really am trying to stop getting so angry.  I don’t blame you anymore.  You shouldn’t blame yourself, either.”

“I’m trying not to.”

“Well, it’s a start,” Jason said with a self-depreciating huff.

Will nodded in agreement.  It was a start down the path of forgiving himself, of moving forward, of learning to love himself again.  Maybe he’d restore his friendship with Jason along the way.  He wasn’t sure yet.

An idea struck Will, and he reached for his messenger bag.  “Look, Jason, when I...when I feel really bad, I light a candle for him,” Will said softly as he rummaged through the pockets.  “Sometimes, I talk to him.  Sometimes, I just sit and think.  I know this is stupid, but I...I carry a candle and a lighter with me all the time now – you know, just in case I need him.”  He pulled out the tealight and lighter and slid them across the table to Jason.  “Would you like to do it with me?”

Jason looked at the offerings in Will’s hands, then his eyes briefly flickered up to his face.

And just when Will was starting to feel like an idiot for asking, Jason gave him a half-smile and said, “Yeah.  I’d like that.”

Will looked up at Piper and Percy, who were still standing quietly, and he asked them to join.  They nodded and sat down at the table, and then Will lit the candle.

Will hadn’t expected it to be so good.  The four of them had remained in that study room for hours, sitting around a lit candle (which was definitely not allowed in the library, but none of them mentioned that).  They were quiet at first, but then Percy looked up at the other three and said, “Have I ever told you guys about the time Nico shadow traveled into my cabin while I was in the shower?”

And then they started talking.  They joked and laughed and told each other stories about Nico.  Later, when things became more serious, Will told them what it had been like when he and Reyna lost Nico.  He’d never recounted the story in so much detail before; he felt raw and vulnerable and he choked on tears several times before it was over.  But it felt good to get it out.  It felt right that they knew.  The others listened in reverent silence until Will had finished, and then Jason said, “He was the bravest demigod I ever met,” and Will still kind of wanted to snap at him, but he had to agree.  The others did, too.

And when they were done, they all felt better.  Will thought that it was like a tension had been released – like they were finally able to direct their remorse and turn it into something positive.  It was almost like Nico was there, easing them through their grief with his Underworld-given gifts the way he always had at funerals and memorial services.  Except Nico wasn’t there.  It was Will, Percy, Piper, and Jason – they’d managed it without Nico.  And that made Will feel strong.

It was evening when they left the library and parted ways.  Will was heading home, thinking about how he ought to share the candle with Reyna and Hazel, too, when he stopped and decided to walk the opposite direction.  By the time he got to the cemetery, it was almost dark out, but Will didn’t mind.  He entered the Pluto tomb without hesitating and planted his feet in front of Nico’s urn.

“It was a good day,” Will said to start.  “Jason and I finally talked.  I don’t know what’ll happen there, but we’ll see.  I’m still upset with him – I think I have a right to be – but he did seem genuine.  Anyway, I’m going home soon, so I figured I should wish you and your very fine pagan ass a merry Christmas before I left.”

Will smiled to himself and put his hands in his pockets.  “The therapist is working out.  I like her.  And the meds feel like they’re working.  We had to change them once already, but we’ll see.  Maybe this time, they’ll work out.  Things are finally starting to look up, Nico.  I feel...happy right now.  It’s good.  And I’m going to keep getting better.  For you...and for me.  

“Anyway, I should get going; it’s late and I had a busy day.  I’ll see you next semester, though – you haven’t gotten rid of me yet.  I love you, Nico.  I’ll never, ever stop.”

And when Will walked outside and looked up at the night sky, he saw stars.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm about halfway done with the next chapter and I'm pretty positive that this fic will be six chapters long.  
>  ~~It was supposed to be three. _Three._~~  
>  You've gotten through the worst of the angst by now. Not everything is going to be roses and rainbows, but from here on out, it'll get better.  
> Also I'm very curious about your response to Jason. He got a lot of negativity in the comments (and in the comments of RaV) so I'd like to hear what you thought of him and Will here.


	5. For Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I'm so proud of myself, it's only been a week since my last update!

“Who would’ve thought,” Will mused when Cecil walked up to him after the graduation ceremony had finished, clad in a shockingly purple cap and gown.  “Cecil Markowitz has decided to go into cybersecurity.”

“I have chosen to use my powers for good,” Cecil said.  He always told Will and Lou that hacking was basically the computer version of lockpicking and/or pranking (Will advised him to add “crime” to that list, but Cecil ignored him).  Trouble-making ran in his blood, and when Cecil decided to take his thievery skills to the world of computers, and the result had been devastating.  It had started with some minor “social engineering,” which was really just a fancy term for “fucking with people and then fucking up their computers for profit and/or amusement.”  A few breaches of information security later, Hazel and Lou Ellen had to manipulate the Mist to get a few (read: hundreds of) mortals to forget that Cecil had committed a “harmless felony” (Cecil’s words, not Will’s).

 _“I just wanted to find out what kind of security the Pentagon had!”_ Cecil had explained. _“I was curious!  I didn’t expect it to be so easy to hack into.”_

But as Cecil grew and matured (read: when Lou Ellen told him she wasn’t going to bail him out if he did it again), he decided to enjoy his hacking hobby in less illegal ways.  He created a lot of mods for gaming (Nico had always tested them out and provided feedback), ran diagnostics on his friends’ computers (for a price, of course), and only engineered a couple of malicious viruses when he needed money, which he earned by running diagnostics on computers.

(Will had gotten a lot of viruses that year.)

Cecil knew code so well that he was able to protect computers from malware, too, and he decided to make an honest living by it.  Or, at least, that was what he claimed.  Will wasn’t sure he believed him.  Knowing Cecil, he wouldn’t be able to resist a good hack every now and then.

Cecil threw an arm around Will’s shoulder.  “Have you seen Lou Ellen?” he asked.  

“Nope,” Will answered.  “Has Ellis gotten to you yet?”

“Obviously not,” Cecil replied with a smug grin.  “If he had, he’d still have his hands all over me.”

Will rolled his eyes (even though Cecil was probably right, with the PDA that the two of them loved to get into) and then he caught sight of Lou Ellen, who was wearing a graduation gown in the same repulsive purple as Cecil’s.  Will waved and called out to her and she bounded over to the two of them and enveloped them in a suffocating hug.  “Are we still doing burgers at your place tonight?” she asked.

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” Cecil replied.  “Be ready to break out the cake and ice cream because tonight _we celebrate.”_

Will laughed, finally shoving off Cecil’s arm.  “Ellis and I have all of that covered, don’t worry,” he said.  He and Cecil’s boyfriend, who didn’t graduate for another year, had been planning a graduation party for Lou Ellen and Cecil for weeks.

“Speaking of Ellis, where is he?” Cecil asked, scanning the crowds.  The field was filled with people – graduates, professors, parents, students, siblings, and friends.  The air around them was loud with happy chattering and laughing.  Will was proud of himself for not panicking; a year before, he wouldn’t have been able to handle such a busy atmosphere.  But right then?  He was okay.  A bit uncomfortable, but okay.

Will looked for Ellis with Cecil and caught sight of Jason and Piper talking to one of Piper’s brothers – an art major that Will didn’t know very well, but assumed was alright.  Lou and Hazel had not-so-subtly tried to set Will up on a date with him, but Will hadn’t been interested.

Will looked away when he saw Jason lift his head up, not wanting to be caught looking at him.  Things between the two of them still weren’t right.  Jason was obviously trying to make amends, but Will wasn’t quite ready to trust him.  He wasn’t sure if he ever would be, but he was trying.  There had been a number of times that Jason had approached him in an attempt to talk and Will still felt uncomfortable.

 _“Do you want to maybe do lunch or something?”_ Jason had asked him earlier that semester.

Will hadn’t even bothered to look at him.   _“I’m having lunch with Hazel,”_ he’d said.

 _“Okay, that’s cool,”_ Jason had answered.   _“Maybe Friday, then?”_

Will had known that Jason would keep pestering Will until he either gave in or explicitly told him no.  He hadn’t wanted to be rude or hurt him, but he also hadn’t been ready to talk to Jason one-on-one.   _“Okay,”_ he’d said, his brain working out a way to escape the situation.   _“I’ll go out with you and Piper on Friday.”_

 _“I...actually....”_  Jason had faltered.  Will had known perfectly well that Jason meant just the two of them, and Jason probably had been well aware of the fact that Will said Piper’s name to avoid exactly that.   _“Right, okay.  Friday, you, me, and Piper.”_

Will _believed_ Jason, of course; he knew that Jason was really a good guy who’d lashed out in a moment of weakness.  He knew Jason felt terrible about it.  But he couldn’t control the uneasiness he felt whenever he was around Jason.

Will was snapped from his thoughts when Ellis appeared out of nowhere and gruffly shoved a bouquet of roses against Cecil’s chest.  “Here,” he said with a very child-of-Ares gorilla grunt.

Cecil looked from the bouquet to his boyfriend in confusion, and then his face lit up in a way that Will rarely got to see.  He promptly threw his arms around Ellis’s neck, bouquet of roses in hand, and kissed him full on the mouth.  “You fucking sap,” he said, and Will thought he might’ve seen tears in Cecil’s eyes.  “I love you so much.”

“Yeah, well, I thought it would be a nice thing to do,” Ellis grumbled, blushing and shoving his hands in his pockets.  “Congratulations, I guess.”

Will smiled to himself and tried to hold back a chuckle.  Cecil and Ellis reminded him of himself and Nico, just a bit – although Nico had lightened up considerably with time and had been nowhere near as rough around the edges as Ellis and he and Nico had never been as bad about PDA as Cecil and Ellis.

Will looked over their shoulders and saw Apollo standing in the bleachers and chatting with Venus, who looked stunning as ever with her short black hair and the flowy white dress against her olive skin.  Apollo caught him looking, then said something to Venus and excused himself before waving to Will.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later,” Will told his friends.  “I’m going to talk to my dad for a minute.”

His friends waved him off and Will made his way across the bleachers towards his dad.  “You came down for the graduation?” Will asked when he reached him.

“I’m here for Aria,” Apollo said with a nod.

“Oh, have you seen her?” Will asked.  “I wanted to congratulate her.”  Aria was one of Will’s Roman sisters.  They were the same age and had worked in the Camp Jupiter infirmary together, but Aria’s talents were more musical than medical.  She would be traveling to New York soon to audition for Broadway and Will had no doubt that she’d land a role without difficulty.  She was talented, pretty, and a fairly good dancer, too.  Will had gotten her in contact with Austin, who was going to college in New York, and they’d already set up a time and place to meet up so Austin could show her around the city.

“Oh, yeah, we already talked,” Apollo answered.  “She’s gone off with some friends, but I’m sure you’ll catch her later.”

“She’s worked really hard,” Will said fondly.  He’d always taken pride in his siblings’ achievements.  They succeeded where he failed, so he was proud of them when he couldn’t be proud of himself.

“I know it,” Apollo said, then, quite abruptly, he added, “Will, we need to talk.”

Will’s mood plummeted.  He didn’t want to “talk.”  “Talking” meant the subject of conversation would be his feelings, and he did not want his feelings to be discussed.  “You know, I have to find Aria,” Will said.  “And then I have to go home and change before the my friends come over tonight and–”

“Will.”

“Okay, no, that’s a lie, I’m sorry, I’m a terrible liar.  I just–”

“Will.”

“–I’m actually in a good mood and really don’t want talk today.  Please, dad?  Not today.”

“Will tomorrow be any better?” Apollo asked.  “Or the next day?”

Will groaned helplessly.  “No, probably not.”

“So can we talk?”

Sighing, Will said, “I guess.”

Apollo gestured him away from the crowd, to a spot in the bleachers farther down the arena.  “Do you want to be a doctor, Will?” Apollo asked as they were walking.

“What?  I mean, yes.  I suppose.  I’m kind of low on motivation at the moment, but that’s always been the plan.”

Apollo stopped and waved for Will to sit down while he remained standing against the railing.  “Well, what do doctors do?”

Will frowned in confusion.  “Heal people?” he guessed.

“They heal people,” Apollo affirmed.  “They take care of people.  And you do an excellent job at that.”

Still frowning, Will said, “Um...thank you.”

“But do you know who you haven’t been taking care of?”

“Uh....”  There were lots of people he wasn’t taking care of.  Will wasn’t sure who Apollo was referring to, but it sounded like he’d fucked up pretty badly on this one.

“Yourself, Will,” Apollo sighed when Will didn’t come up with an answer.  “You haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

“What?” Will asked.  “Yes, I have.  I’ve been going to a doctor.  I stopped drinking.  I go out more.  I even started working in the infirmary again and I’m throwing a party tonight.  I’m doing a lot better now.”

“Yes, you are,” Apollo agreed, moving to take a seat next to Will.  “You’ve been caring for yourself psychologically.  That’s a huge step and I’m very proud of the progress you’ve made.  But that wasn’t what I was talking about.”

“Oh,” Will muttered.  Apollo meant it in a physical way.  He hadn’t been working out.  He hadn’t been eating right.  He supposed he didn’t look like what a son of Apollo should look like – he didn’t get as much sun as he used to and he’d started to turn a bit pale.  He’d gained weight.  Will could still recall trying to calm a mortal-ized Apollo when he was crying about his imaginary flab – so, no, he imagined that he probably didn’t look the way Apollo wanted him to.

“Will, you know that physical health and psychological health are linked,” Apollo said.  “They aren’t independent of one another.”

“Of course,” Will answered.  “Listen, I know I look bad, but it’s just so hard to get up in the morning and I just can’t work up the energy to–”

“Woah, woah, Will, when did I ever say anything about what you look like?” Apollo interrupted.  “You look great.  You’re _my_ son; how could you _not_ look good?  And it doesn’t hurt that your mother–”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“Oh.  Right.  What I meant is that you should start going outside, let the sun give you some vitamin D–”

“Never say that again.”

Apollo frowned and thought for a moment.  “Yes, I can understand why that might make you uncomfortable.  Anyway, if you start being more active and get the right chemicals going, it’ll help you feel a lot better.  I would like you to think of yourself as a patient.”

Will nodded slowly.  “I...understand.”  With the drinking, the reckless sex, his eating and exercise habits...he’d messed up his body.

“I want you to be healthy, Will,” Apollo said.  “And you aren’t in bad shape, okay?  You’re doing a great job.  I just know that being more active will help you feel better.  That’s all I want.”

“Okay,” Will agreed.  “I’ll do my best.  Thank you.”

“Good,” Apollo said.  “You’re a great kid, Will.  Now go find your friends – they’re waiting for you.”

*   *   *

Will split that summer between New Rome and Texas, working in the infirmary where young demigods insisted on getting themselves injured and visiting his mother.  He did try to be more active, like Apollo had asked; mostly, he just took walks to start with, but he’d started going to the gym, too.  Piper went with him.

Will’s sisters, Kallie and Aria, had been living together the year before and not long after Aria, Cecil, Lou Ellen, and the others graduated, Kallie approached Will about moving in with each other.

“Hey, Will,” she said when they were working in the Camp Jupiter infirmary, “have you got an apartment for next year?”

Will just sighed; it was one more thing on his to-do list that he hadn’t crossed off yet.  “Not yet.  I’m looking, though.”

“Me either.  So I was wondering, since we’re both losing our roommates, how would you feel about finding a place together?”

“Oh,” Will said in surprise.  He’d been planning on living by himself for the next year.  His closest friends had all graduated or already had living arrangements, so he’d figured he was on his own.  A part of him wanted to have his own apartment, but his mother had expressed concern when he told her that.  She didn’t want him to be by himself so much.  Besides, Will liked Kallie.  They worked well together.  She was more serious than Will and could be a bit high strung, but she was caring and Will knew that if he needed her, she’d be there for him.  “You know what, that sounds nice,” he answered.  “Can you cook?”

“If you can clean.”

“Sure, but we split the bathroom chores.”

“Sounds fair.  And no TV after 11pm.”

“I’ll deal.  I can make the coffee in the morning.”

“Cool.  I take French vanilla creamer.”

“Mm, I prefer caramel macchiato.”

“Bleh, sounds disgusting.”

“What kind of weirdo doesn’t like caramel macchiato?”

“Who would pick caramel macchiato over French vanilla?”

“People who aren’t boring.”

“I can be fun!”

“Mhmm.  Sure.  We’ll see.  You play video games?”

“Meh.  Just Mario Kart.”

“I can live with that.  Are you free at noon tomorrow to go apartment hunting?”

“Yup.  I’ll meet you at your place.”

Will and Aria ended up getting an extension on Will’s apartment lease instead of finding an entirely new place, so Will didn’t have to worry about moving.  It was a nice place in a good location, so they thought it was best to keep it.  Will helped Aria get set up in Cecil’s old room, as she was staying in New Rome for the summer, and Will was planning to move back in mid July to give himself time to settle in before the wedding.

Annabeth and Percy were married in early August at the top of the Empire State Building – the _mortal_ top, that was, not on Mount Olympus.  Back when Percy and Annabeth announced their engagement, Jason, Leo, and Grover had fought over the right to be Percy’s best man (“I’m his best bro.”  “I’m the fun one.  Think of the bachelor party I’d throw!”  “I was his friend _first!”_ ).  Percy eventually decided on Tyson (although Leo did plan the bachelor party, which was all he really cared about).

The wedding took “something blue” to a whole new level.   _Everything_ was blue – bridesmaid’s dresses, the groom and groomsmen’s ties and waistcoats, the sash around the waist of Annabeth’s lace dress, the flowers, table cloths, candles....  Even the bartender at the reception seemed to have been paid to make half the cocktails on the menu blue.

There was some minor drama from Athena and Poseidon at the reception – Annabeth managed to keep it as mild as possible, seating them on opposite sides of the room, the backs of their chairs facing each other.  Although the tension seemed to flare between the two them on more than one occasion, Poseidon and Athena seemed to have come to a silent agreement not to disrupt their children’s wedding.  Poseidon asked Sally Jackson to dance and thanked her for raising their son so well.  Not to be outdone, Athena made sure to have a conversation with Frederick Chase, who seemed a bit uncomfortable at first, but the discussion seemed to come easily after a while.

The _real_ drama was when Hera showed up, remarking that she enjoyed the bouquet of white lilies they had sacrificed to her as an offering before their wedding.  Percy and Annabeth thanked her for blessing their marriage through gritted teeth and offered her a slice of blue wedding cake, which she graciously accepted before taking a seat beside Athena.  Thankfully, she didn’t stay long.

Hazel was preoccupied with one waiter throughout the reception.  She leaned over to Will to tell him that she got a strange vibe from him – like he just _wasn’t_ supposed to be there, similar to the feeling she got around ghosts, but something else seemed off.

“If Nico were here, he’d be able to figure it out,” Hazel said.  “But I never was as good with the death-sense as Nico.”

Will nodded in agreement.  He wished Nico were there – for many reasons.  Nico had been so close to Annabeth and Percy; he should’ve been at their wedding.  

After Annabeth had seen them exchanging bewildered glances and whispering secretly, she leaned over to Hazel and asked her if something was wrong.

“That waiter,” Hazel said, gesturing discreetly.  “There’s something _off_ about him.”

Annabeth had spared the waiter a glance before smiling.  “I should have known you’d pick up on that.  He’s actually my cousin – he had to come here in disguise.  He died _years_ ago.”

Hazel had frowned, her mouth opening and closing like she was struggling to think of what to say, and Annabeth had merely patted her shoulder and promised to explain later, then told her to enjoy the reception.

Will danced.  He danced with Annabeth, with Percy, with Piper, and with Hazel.  He found Percy’s little sister and invited her to the dance floor, where she stood on Will’s shoes and giggled when Will twirled her.  Will had to carry her back to Sally and Paul when she got too tired to hold her eyes open, then kissed her cheek and promised he’d see her again soon.

At one point in the reception, Will had to step away from the crowds and the dancing.  He was much better at handling it now, but the sheer number of people and conversations still overwhelmed him at times.  It was odd; Will used to love being in large groups or at parties.

He didn’t dwell on that thought, though; he just excused himself and went to the bathroom.  It was, thankfully, empty, so Will loosened his tie and leaned against the wall to compose himself.  He’d go back out in a moment.  He just needed a little time.  

But the door to the bathroom opened only a second later and Jason walked in.

Well, fuck.

“Will?” Jason said.  

Will wanted to ignore him.  He was having a hard enough time already, thinking about Nico and how he should’ve been there.  Jason was the last person Will wanted to talk to.  But they were the only two people in the bathroom; there wasn’t much he could do to avoid him and still be polite.

He didn’t want to be polite.  Jason wasn’t being polite.  He’d waited until Will was alone and then cornered him.  Jason knew perfectly well that Will wouldn’t be able to escape.

What a dick.

“Yes?” Will replied quietly, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.

“Can we talk?” Jason asked.

“We are talking,” Will said.

“I mean, about...about what’s going on with us.  I just want to know if we’re ever going to be okay.”

Will sighed.  He wondered the same thing sometimes.  Would he ever be able to forgive Jason?

But, Will realized, he wasn’t afraid of Jason.  He was angry, but maybe that was just because he’d gotten so used to being angry that he wasn’t sure what else to feel.  Will couldn’t find any real reason to dislike him; Jason had made mistakes, but those were in the past.  Jason was a good person and a great friend; Will did want to have that back.  And the only reason they weren’t friends already was because if they were going to heal their relationship, it would have to be on _Will’s_ terms.

Still, he hadn’t forgotten the way Jason had treated him.

“Maybe,” Will finally answered.

“Will, if you hate me, just tell me.”

Will sighed and finally opened his eyes.  He looked at the lost expression on Jason’s face and almost felt guilty about the resentment he was still holding onto.  “I don’t hate you.  I believe that you feel bad.  I believe that you mean well.  But I’m having a hard time letting go of exactly how badly you fucked me up.”

“Yeah, I know, and I’m s–”

“Jason, shut up,” Will said without any real bite, but Jason slammed his jaw shut and nodded as though Will had said it with a threat.  “I am willing to give you a chance.  We’ll take this ‘friends’ thing little by little, and we’ll see how it works out.”

“Okay,” Jason said, his face lighting up with a smile.  “I’ll take that.  So...bro hug?”

Will held back a scoff and merely rolled his eyes.  “We’ll have to work our way up to that.  You can have a handshake, though.”

And Will did give him that.  He even returned Jason’s smile.  He walked with Jason back to the reception, where Piper intercepted them to drag Jason to the dance floor.  Will chuckled and walked up to Reyna, who was standing off to the side of the room with her arms crossed.  

“Come on,” he said.  “You know you want to dance with me.”

“I really don’t,” Reyna replied, although she looked amused.

 _“Please._  No one can resist my moves,” Will told her as he took her hand and pulled her towards the dance floor.

Reyna laughed.  “Oh, alright.  One song.  For you.”

She danced more than one song.  Will danced until his feet hurt and smiled until his cheeks were sore.

When the night was over, Will went back to his hotel room and dug around his suitcase until he found the candle and matches he’d brought with him.  He placed the candle on the bedside table and lit it.  For a while, he just stared at the flame, thinking about Nico with a weak smile and wishing he had been there to see Annabeth and Percy get married.

Will had long since gotten over his fear of fire.  That was one thing that he and Dr. Guerra had worked on together; they’d gone through some behavioral therapy, gradually exposing Will to larger and larger flames until Will was quite comfortable sitting in front of a fireplace.  It still reminded him of that night a little bit, but he only really felt bothered when it was a large fire, like a bonfire.  Will tended to avoid those.  But the little flame from the candles he lit?  That wasn’t scary.  Lighting the candle wasn’t a punishment for himself anymore.

Truthfully, it hadn’t been for a long time.

Over time, the flame had become a sign of hope for him.  When he explained it to Dr. Guerra, she told him that she thought it was a great idea.  It helped him remember Nico without feeling sad or dwelling on his loss too much.  Will didn’t just light the candle on important dates and when he felt sad anymore.  He also lit it when he felt happy.  He lit it when he did particularly well on an exam.  He lit it when he’d finished moving back to New Rome a few weeks before.  Sometimes, he even lit it just to tell Nico about his day.

So, no, looking at the candle didn’t make him upset.  It had been a source of encouragement for a long time; Will couldn’t even remember when he’d stopped thinking of it as a sentence for his wrongdoings.  Still, it sometimes hurt.  It hurt that night, after the wedding, as he sat and thought about how much Nico had admired Percy and Annabeth.  They’d taken care of Nico when he needed someone to help him through his Tartarus dreams.  The three of them had stuck together after the Giant War because they had experienced something no one else could understand.  They’d remained close ever since.  Will would always love Percy and Annabeth for being there for Nico.

Will thought about how he’d once dreamed of his own wedding with Nico.  He remembered how he’d planned to spend the rest of his life with Nico and to make a home and a family with him.  And he cried, because he knew he’d never stop wanting that future.

*   *   *

Will’s classes started a few weeks after the wedding.  He took on more hours that semester than he had the previous two; he was still behind and he knew it would take at least an extra semester to graduate, but he (along with his adviser and Dr. Guerra) kept telling himself not to worry about it.  He’d get there in his own time.  There was no shame in taking a little longer.

Will and Kallie had some of their classes together, so they left the apartment after eating breakfast at the same time most days.  (Will did, of course, inform his sister that their father was the god of breakfast when they were having omelets one morning.  Kallie didn’t find it as amusing as he did.  Will loved Kallie, but she didn’t have much of a sense of humor.)

One of the lectures Will didn’t have with his sister was a general psychology class he’d enrolled in just for fun.  It was going to take him a while to graduate, so he didn’t see why he shouldn’t make use of his remaining time.  He ended up liking it more than he expected and, after a conversation with his adviser, decided to take up a minor.  Medical schools liked to see variety in their applicants instead of just pre-med biology majors, so Will figured it could strengthen his application.  Plus, it gave him a little more passion to keep working.  He still was more interested in surgery than a more psychology-related medical field, like psychiatry or neurology, but his minor was enjoyable and he didn’t think it was a waste of his time.

Still, there were some things that Will just wasn’t ready for.  It had been two years since he lost Nico, but he still couldn’t fathom having a relationship with anyone else.  He supposed that Nico had been such a huge part of his life for so long that he couldn’t begin to imagine what it would be like to have _another_ important person.  Some of Will’s friends seemed to think it was time for him to get back in the dating pool, and Will had considered it more than once, but every time, he came back with the same answer: “It just doesn’t feel right.”

Still, his friends seemed unwilling to give up on getting Will to love again.  He’d been introduced and reintroduced to a half dozen boys already, so it really wasn’t that surprising when Hazel suggested a date over lunch.  “His name is Brennan,” Hazel said.  “He’s very friendly and super caring.  He was in Brazil with the Peace Corp last semester and he wants to work in a diversity and inclusion government office.”

Will just continued to twirl his pasta around his fork.  “Brennan’s pan, right?” he asked.

“Yes,” Hazel answered.  “And he’s a good guy.  Smart, hard-working, and always calm.  Maybe you should just try it, Will.”

“I’m not really interested,” Will said.  “Thanks for thinking about me, but...I’m not ready for that, Hazel.”

“Alright,” Hazel said with a sigh.  “Will, you know that I just want you to be happy, right?  And Nico would want that, too.”

“I know,” Will said.  And the funny thing was, he _did._ He believed Hazel.  She, like Will’s other friends, wanted to see Will recover and move forward.  Whether or not there would be a person he shared that future was still a mystery to Will, but he was sure that there wasn’t room for romance in his life right then.  Truth be told, Will wasn’t even sure if he _could_ develop those feelings anymore.  And honestly, Will didn’t care.  He’d had Nico.  Even though their time was cut short, six years with Nico was more than enough love to last a lifetime.

“You know,” Will piped up a moment later, “I actually think he’d be a good match for my sister Kallie.  They’re both level-headed, serious, intellectual people.  Do you think he’d be interested?”

“Actually, they _would_ be a good pair,” Hazel agreed.  “Or maybe they’d hate each other.  It could go either way.”

“True,” Will agreed.  “But I think I can convince Kallie to give it a shot.  Can you work on Brennan?”

“Sure can,” Hazel said.

Kallie, however, was about as excited about the prospect of dating as Will.

“You...set me up on a date,” Kallie said disbelievingly that evening when Will brought it up.   _“Me._  Will, I’m not sure when I gave you the impression that I was looking for a boyfriend, but let me assure you that I am in a long term relationship with my college education and I’m not exactly ideal girlfriend material–”

“Kallie, you are beautiful and wonderful and smart and it’s just one date,” Will said.  “I’m not asking you to propose to him.”

“What if I don’t want to go on a date?”

“Well, you could turn it down, but I’d like you to give it a shot.”

Kallie sighed.  “What’s his name?”

“Brennan,” Will answered.

“The son of Concordia?” Kallie asked.  

Will nodded.  “Yup.  Do you know him well?”

Kallie shrugged.  “Not really.  I always thought he was rather...unambitious.”

“Well, obviously you _don’t_ know him well at all.  He was in Brazil with the Peace Corp last semester.  He wants to work in the government to promote diversity and inclusion.”

“Oh,” Kallie said thoughtfully.  “That’s actually cool.”

“Cool enough to go in a date with him?”

Kallie rubbed her temple.  “Alright.  I’ll go on a date with him.  On one condition.”

Will sighed.  “Yes?”

“You have to try going on a date, too.”

Will frowned; Kallie had never seemed interested in setting Will up with anyone before.  “Kallie, I can’t promise you that.”

“Why not?” Kallie asked.  “Why can’t you at least try to let yourself be happy?”

“Why should my happiness have to involve a boyfriend?” Will replied.  

“Well, it did before,” Kallie said.  

Will just shook his head.  “No.  Before, my happiness involved Nico.  Now I have to figure out how to be happy another way – and maybe this time, dating isn’t the way that I’ll find it.  And, honestly, Kallie?  I’m not ready for dating.  It’s not something I’m interested in.  For now, I need to be myself.”

Kallie crossed her arms.  “Well, now you’ve made me feel bad for suggesting it,” she said.  “But can you at least promise me that if someday in the future it _does_ interest you, you won’t hold yourself back?”

“I can try,” Will answered.  “But I think it’s more important that I find my own way to get better.”

Kallie nodded.  “You’re right,” she admitted, which was something she didn’t do often.  Kallie had a hard time admitting it when she was wrong.  Usually, she _wasn’t_ wrong, of course.  Will sometimes wondered if she was a legacy of Athena, with how smart she was.  “And you’ve been doing a pretty good job of it so far.  So will me going on this date make you happy?”

Will grinned widely.  “Very happy, yes.”

“Then I’ll go,” she said.

“Yes!” Will cheered, raising his hands in victory.  “Wear that yellow shirt with the buttons down the front, it looks great with your complexion.”

Kallie rolled her eyes, but agreed.

Her date was at the end of the next week, and Will braided her hair for her before she left (he’d had to learn as the camp counselor of cabin 7; his little sisters had demanded it).  Kallie came back later than Will expected, but he was still sitting up in their living room to wait for her when she got through the door.

“So, how did it go?” Will asked with his best irritating-big-brother grin.

Kallie gave him a look like she was trying to be annoyed, but a smile broke through her facade.  “Fine,” she said simply, starting to go to her room.

“Excuse me?” Will called.  “Is that any way to talk to your charming older brother who set you up on a date with a total catch?”

Kallie rolled her eyes, still wearing a shy smile.  “It was nice,” she admitted.

Will raised an eyebrow.  “Nice like...you’re going to go on a second date?”

“Nice like I got his number and we have plans to get coffee on Wednesday.”

“Ooh, sounds fun,” Will said with a genuine smile.  “He’s cute, too, isn’t he?”

“He’s...not bad,” Kallie agreed.  “Aesthetically speaking.”

“But you like him, right?”

Kallie shrugged nonchalantly, but she was still grinning adorably.  “Yeah.  He seems pretty cool.  Thanks for convincing me to go.”

“Anything for you,” Will answered.  “Now get over here and give me all the details.”

*   *   *

Will went home again for Thanksgiving.  He always did, even when he was at Camp Half-blood year round.  The day after, he got a call from Piper.  When he wished her a happy Thanksgiving, she launched into a lecture about the history of the eradication and evacuation of indigenous people and informed him that the holiday was a biased view of colonialism that did not recognize the consequences forced upon Native Americans.  Will immediately felt guilty for asking and apologized, having forgotten that Piper was sensitive to the issue.  He also felt guilty for celebrating at all.  He loved Thanksgiving; he loved seeing his mom and eating good food and taking a break from his usual life.

“Eh, it’s fine,” Piper said.  “Just making sure you know that you’re celebrating colonialism.”

“Honestly, I’m just in it for turkey and my mom,” Will said.

“Yeah, Jason’s been getting kinda antsy because I’m forcing vegetarian meals on him,” Piper replied.  “Honestly, I don’t care if he eats meat, I’m just not eating it, buying it, touching it, or cooking it.  But he seems to think that if I catch him eating meat, all Hades will break loose.  And the last time all Hades broke loose, it was not fun.”

Piper saying that reminded him of Nico, and how Nico had brought Hazel back from the dead when Thanatos had been chained.  He forced himself to stop the thoughts there; he’d already made a vow – to himself, to Hazel, and to Nico – that he wouldn’t try to bring Nico back.  Nico would be in Elysium.  Will couldn’t take him from there.

“Yeah,” Will said, trying to sound calm.  “So I take it he’s not liking your Thanksgiving ban?”

Piper laughed and explained that Jason had started to sneak off to their friends’ places to steal Thanksgiving food the year before –”You’ll have to ask Percy and Annabeth about it,” she said.  Jason thought Piper was completely unaware of the situation, but she knew perfectly well that he’d been sneaking turkey while they were at the Waystation.  When Will asked why she didn’t tell him that she didn’t mind, Piper laughed and said, “It’s so much more fun this way.”

Despite Piper’s valid dislike of the holiday, Will still was fond of that time of year.  Thanksgiving was always family time.  He used to bring Nico with him, too – after all, Nico was basically family.  Naomi practically adopted him.  Nico used to sneak away to have private talks with Naomi when he thought Will wouldn’t notice; Will didn’t like to eavesdrop, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t overhear parts of their conversations.  Sometimes, Nico would ask about Will.  He once heard Nico talk to her about his faint but recovering memories of his own mother.  He’d tell Naomi what little he remembered about growing up in Italy and stories about Will and the other campers.  One early morning, Will went downstairs to discover Nico sleeping on the couch and his mother sitting next to him.   _“He had a bad dream,”_ Naomi had explained in a whisper.  It had made Will happy to see Nico so comfortable with someone he loved so much.

Sometimes, he looked at things in his mother’s house that reminded him of Nico and was filled with a bittersweet sense of longing.  He didn’t think he’d ever stop missing Nico.  Maybe it would get easier, but he felt like a part of himself would remain incomplete.

Will was learning, though.  He was figuring out how to cope on his own and he was finding new things to live for.  He liked his classes, his new minor was instilling him with a fresh wave of motivation, he was involved in Alpha Epsilon Delta and was thinking about running for an officer position, and he took great pride in working in the infirmary.  In fact, he was happiest in the infirmary.  He loved learning, but healing people was his favorite thing to do.  That was why he wanted to go into surgery: he wanted to touch his patients, to see their ailments, and to physically correct whatever was causing them pain.  And he was starting to believe that he really could do it.

Will gained a lot of practical experience in the infirmary.  He didn’t think that anything would faze him anymore, after what he’d witnessed.  Legionaries came in with plants growing out of their ears, their femurs broken in three places, crying over a barely existent pimple, and unable to stop singing operatic renditions of _Eye of the Tiger_ (Will’s siblings swore that they weren’t responsible for that last one, but Will wasn’t so he believed them until Kallie pointed out that their younger siblings would have better taste than that).  Will was pretty sure he’d seen it all.

Until Hazel came in with Frank the Sneezing Kitten one day in the beginning of January.

Frank was, apparently, severely allergic to cats, which was news to them all.  “He was trying to keep some of the youngest campers happy,” Hazel explained.  “And then...well....”

 _“Chi, chi, chi,”_ Frank sneezed cutely.

How Frank was unaware of his extreme pet allergy, Will didn’t know, but it was an easy fix.  He administered a kitten-sized dose of unicorn draught and Frank the Cat, having been granted relief from his symptoms, took the opportunity to change back into Frank the Human.  After giving him a change of clothes, as his were full of cat hair and pet dander, Will told Frank to rest in the infirmary for a little while.  Hazel went back outside to check on the campers while Will watched over her boyfriend.

Will changed the sheets on a bed so Frank could lie down.  “How do you feel?” Will asked as Frank sat down.

“Better,” Frank said.  “I will _not_ be trying that again.”

“Try a rabbit next time,” Will suggested.  “You’re not allergic to them.”

“How did you know that?”

Will shrugged.  It was one of those things he could just _tell._ “I was looking for it, I guess.  How did you _not_ know you were allergic to cats?”

“Well, I was fine when I turned into a lion–”

“Frank, lions and domestic cats aren’t even in the same _subfamily._ They’re very distantly related.  Of course, there is evidence of a molecule homologous to fel d 1 existing in panthers, but there are multiple allergens that could be responsible for cat allergies and you may not be sensitive to all of them.  Additionally, the correlation between the antibody–”

“Will, please,” Frank said.  “Just talk to me in English.”

Will sighed.  He still did have a tendency to get carried away when talking about medicine.  “Okay, well, basically, there are different things that you could be allergic to with cats.  Big cats may not have the thing you are allergic to.  If they _do_ have the thing you’re allergic to, big cats and domestic cats are so distantly related that the allergen is different enough for your reaction to be small.”

“That makes sense,” Frank mumbled.

“Of course it makes sense, it’s science,” Will answered.  “Get some rest, Zhang.”

Frank chuckled and leaned back onto his pillow.

By the time Frank was free to go, the infirmary was mostly empty.  Will gave Frank his cat infested clothes in a bag and told him to wash them when he got home.

“And remember, no more cats,” Will said.  “Rabbits, not cats.”

Frank grinned sheepishly.  “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, making his way out the door.  Before he left, though, he paused and then turned back to Will.  “Will?” Frank said.  “Do you think we could talk about something?”

“Sure,” Will said, looking up from the discharge papers he’d been going over.  “What’s up?”

Frank took a deep breath before speaking in a soft voice so that the other patients wouldn’t hear.  “I...uh...ever since Percy and Annabeth’s wedding, I’ve been thinking about, you know, marriage.  I mean, I’ve thought about it before, but always in a ‘when I grow up’ kind of way, you know?  But now I...Will, I’m going to propose to Hazel.”

Will’s eyebrows shot up.  “Really?  That’s great, Frank!”

“Yeah,” Frank said shyly, looking down at his bag full of clothes.  “And I wanted to ask you if...well, because you knew him better than anyone, do you think that Nico would be okay with it?”

Will almost gaped, but he caught himself and kept his expression in check.  He had known things about Nico that no one else did.  Nico had opened up to him in ways that he’d never opened up to anyone else.  Nico and Will had trusted each other with their darkest moments, the heights of their elation, and every mundane moment in between.  But after everything that had happened, Will wasn’t convinced that he’d honored Nico’s faith in him.  There were moments – rare moments now, but they happened – that Will felt like he didn’t deserve to even say Nico’s name.

But Frank had gone to Will in Nico’s place.  Frank believed that Will knew Nico better than anyone.  Frank had asked Will if Nico would approve of him asking for Hazel’s hand in marriage.

And Will knew the answer.

“Yes,” Will said quietly.  “Nico would be thrilled.  He’d give you a hard time, I think, but he’d be so happy to see you marry Hazel.  He’d be happy to have you as part of his family.  You and Hazel are good together – you take care of each other.  Nico could always see that.”

He saw Frank off with a pat on his shoulder and a wish of good luck, and then he went to sit at the front desk until his shift ended.  Becoming bored quickly, Will went back to check on a few young legionaries who had fallen ill with a bad case of bronchitis.  They’d be out by the end of the day, thanks to a few doses of nectar.

Will sat the foot of one child’s bed and asked them all how they were feeling.  He listened to them prattle on about their days and had to settle an argument about whether Reyna was cool or scary (“She’s both,” he’d said with finality).  He gave them coloring books and told them silly stories his mother used to entertain him with while they drew.

It was a half hour later when he heard someone walk in, so he told the children he’d be back and went to the front.  Jason had walked in and was standing at the door waiting.

“Hey, Will!” Jason said, and Will sighed.  He was starting to let go of some of his resentment, but he still felt on edge around Jason.  “I heard about Frank.  How is he?”

“Oh, he’s fine,” Will answered, wondering why Jason didn’t just go see Frank himself.  “He left almost an hour ago.”

“Good, good, cool,” Jason said, sliding his hands in his pockets.  “I’ll go see him later – Piper and I just got back from the Waystation.  By the way, um...Piper and I wondered if you’d like to come over for dinner this weekend?”

And there it was.  Jason, Will knew, was trying his best to make up for what had happened.  He wanted to be friends again.  Will was pretty sure he wanted that, too.  Still, he was having a hard time moving forward.  He knew it wasn’t fair to Jason.

“Okay,” Will said.  “Should I bring anything?”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Jason answered.

“Right, okay, well...I’ll get in contact with you guys later, I suppose.”

“Cool,” Jason said.  He stood there awkwardly for a moment, and then he said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.”

Will nodded.  “Yeah.  Later.”

Jason gave him a small smile before turning away to leave the infirmary.  Will really did want things to be normal with Jason.  He wanted to be friends.  But he always got so _anxious_ around Jason, even though he knew Jason was a good person.

Will drew in a breath.  Jason was doing what he could to repair their friendship.  Will had to meet him halfway.

“Hey, Jason?” Will called.

Jason turned back around, looking surprised.  “Yes?”

“My shift ends soon – in maybe fifteen minutes.  If you want, you could wait for me and then...then I thought that maybe we could go see Nico?”

“Oh,” Jason said.  “Yeah, yes, of course.  I can wait.”

Will offered him a seat, but the children in the back heard his voice and Jason couldn’t turn them down when they asked to see him.

“They have bronchitis, so no hugs!” Will called after Jason, but when he looked up, he saw that the kids had already latched onto Jason.  Will sighed and went to retrieve a dose of nectar to stop the disease before it worked its way through Jason’s body.  

He spent the rest of his shift organizing the day’s forms in the filing cabinet, occasionally looking over his shoulder at Jason and the children.  He really was trying to feel less nervous around Jason.  He still had to remind himself that he had nothing to worry about.  Jason liked Will – respected him, even – and Will knew that.  Jason wouldn’t do anything to hurt him ever again.

Still, Will hadn’t forgotten.  A part of him was still angry.  Another part was still afraid.

Will’s brother Sorin came to relieve him approximately five minutes late.  “Sorry,” Sorin said.  “I had an emergency.”

An “emergency” probably meant that he’d been making out with his girlfriend, but Will didn’t say that.  He updated Sorin on the bronchitis situation before packing up to leave.  He went into the back where the children had finally fallen asleep, save for one who was busy chatting with Jason in a hushed voice while Jason rubbed his back.  Will waved Sorin over to replace Jason on naptime duty.  Jason said goodbye to the child and stood up to leave.

“Ready?” Will asked.

Jason nodded.  “Yeah,” he answered, so Will led him outside.

They walked in uncomfortable silence for a little while.  Will figured he should at least _try_ to chat with Jason.  But the only thing on Will’s mind at the moment was Frank proposing to Hazel, and he wasn’t sure he should talk about that without Frank’s permission.  He didn’t know if Frank had told anyone yet.

Jason, thankfully, did the hard work for him and started the conversation.  “How’s school?” Jason asked.

“Fine,” Will replied, like he usually did when people asked him questions like that.  His day was fine, classes were fine, the infirmary was fine, he was feeling fine.  He preferred not to elaborate.

“I heard you took up a minor?” Jason said.

“Hm?” Will asked, distracted with watching his feet move across the green.  “Oh, yeah.  Yeah, I did.  Psychology.  It’s nice to learn about something other than medicine and I thought it might look good on med school applications – they like to see variety in applicants.  It’ll take me another year to graduate, but that’s okay.”

“That’s good,” Jason commented.

Will cleared his throat “So, you just got back from the Waystation, right?” he asked, proud of himself for finding something to talk about.

“Yeah.  Leo and Jo helped us go over some plans that we have for improving some of the older temples in Camp Half-Blood.”

“Cool.”  Another silence fell between them.  They still couldn’t have a decent conversation.  Will couldn’t help but think about how uncomfortable he felt and wonder if he still had to prove himself to Jason or if Jason would be able to prove himself to him. “Jason, I....” Will cut himself off.  He’d been about to say something stupid that would force them to have another serious talk – and that was the _last_ thing he wanted.

“What?” Jason asked.

“Nothing.”

Jason sighed.  “Are you still upset with me?”

Will closed his eyes to keep himself from scowling.  Apparently Jason _did_ want to have a serious talk.  “Jason, I’m sorry,” he said.  “I know I’m being unfair.  It’s just...you hurt me.”

Jason nodded.  He looked beaten down, like the guilt he’d been carrying had become so heavy that it had crushed him.  “I know.  I wish there was something I could do.”

“You’ve done everything right,” Will said.  “I already forgave you for what happened.  I just haven’t forgotten.”

“I understand,” Jason said.  “I can step back if you need me to.  I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’d like to be friends,” Will interjected.  “Really, Jason, I want things to be normal again.”  Will turned to face him as they approached the stone wall around the cemetery.  “Thank you for not giving up on me.  It means a lot to me that after everything, you still want to be around me.  I don’t want to give up on you, either.”

Jason still looked tired and defeated when he nodded.

Will looked through the entrance of the cemetery, towards Pluto’s tomb.  “I come here pretty often now, you know,” Will said.  “Not like two years ago.”

“Will–”

“Jason, I’ve worked really hard to get where I am right now,” Will said.  “I know that you have, too.  I just need to work a little bit harder to make things normal between the two of us.  I’m going to need your help, too – and you _have_ been helping.  Thank you for doing that for me.”

“I haven’t been doing much of anything besides sitting around feeling sorry for myself,” Jason mumbled.

“Yeah, I know how that goes,” Will said with a tired smile.  “It might take me a little while, but believe me, I know you’re a good guy, Jason.  You and I...we were unhealthy, you know?  I don’t hold that against you.  My implicit cognitive processes might not have caught up yet, but–”

“Godsdammit, who let you take on a minor?” Jason said with a hesitant grin.  “It was enough to listen to you nerd out about medicine.  Now you’re going to nerd out about psychology, too?”

Will just looked at Jason, momentarily surprised that he was trying to _joke_ with Will, then he smiled and even chuckled a bit.  “Well, you know me,” he said with a shrug.  “Although I like to think that I’m not quite as bad as Leo or Annabeth.”

“No, you aren’t,” Jason agreed.  “You’re worse.”

Will laughed – he probably was.  “You know what, Jason?” he said.  “I think that we’re going to be alright.”

*   *   *

And it _was_ alright.  Will took his life day by day, finding new things to love and make him happy along the way.  He went to the Waystation for a few days before winter break ended with the seven and the others, and while he was there, he and Jason got along just fine.  Will helped Calypso with a few of the finer jobs on Leo’s machines – his dissection labs at UNR had trained him to have steady hands.  Leo was working on the next update of the LeoPhone, so when Will helped him with some particularly tricky circuitry, Leo clapped him on the back and promised that he’d be one of the first recipients of the new upgrade.

He spent spring break in Vegas with Lou Ellen, and Cecil and Ellis joined them.  They crashed in Lou Ellen’s living room for the week and she gave them tickets to her magic show.  Will was amused by the mortals who were in awe of how clever her “tricks” were and walked around after the show chattering and wondering how she’d done it.  He hadn’t seen Lou or Cecil in a long time, so he was glad he got to spend his break with them.  

Back at UNR, he and Kallie started helping each other with their med school applications, which they’d turn in that summer.  They gave each other advice when narrowing down the schools they were interested in applying to.  Will was planning to go into surgery, while Kallie wanted to study toxicology.  Will had no doubt that Kallie would get into a great program – she was brilliant and had a well-rounded education, plus she’d gained plenty of experience.  He wasn’t quite as confident in himself.  After all, he had missed a year of school and had 6 withdrawals on his transcript.  He wasn’t sure what schools would make of that.

Kallie and Brennan had started dating a while back, so Brennan showed up at their apartment regularly and worked on grad school applications while they did their med school applications.  Will was glad that the two were getting along so well.  It was rare to see Kallie look as happy as she did around Brennan.  They were a sweet couple; not very physically affectionate, but they showed their love for each other through the look in their eyes when they smiled at each other, or the kindness in their voices when they spoke to one another.  Will always found it soothing to be around them.

He mentioned that to Hazel one day, and she said, “That’s how we feel around you.”

“What do you mean?” Will asked with a frown.

“You’ve sort of become a little light for all of us,” Hazel said.  “You’re pretty much the pinnacle of purity and goodness.  I don’t know how you do it, but we all really look up to you, Will.”

“‘Purity and goodness’?” Will repeated with a chuckle.  “Me?  Really, Hazel?”

“Yes, really,” Hazel said.  “You always have been.”  Will made to brush it off again, but Hazel continued: “Even if I haven’t always been able to see it.”

Will sighed through his nose, then gave Hazel a tired smile and said, “Thanks.”

“We’re so proud of you, Will,” she told him.  “All of us – Jason, too, you know.  I seem to recall that he once referred to you as a ‘gem.’  I know you don’t see it this way, but that’s how we do.  You’ve come such a long way.  It gives the rest of us some hope.”

Will slowly came to believe that she meant it.  After she’d told him that, Will started to see himself reflected in his friends’ eyes and he saw how they looked at him in the way they smiled.  He started to see himself in the way the youngest legionaries in Camp Jupiter did when he passed by and they lit up and called him “Mr. Will.”

He _was_ getting better.  And everyone wanted to see him smile.

So Will did.  He smiled for everyone, even when it was hard, and it made him feel good when they smiled back.

*   *   *

Towards the end of the semester, Kallie knocked on Will’s door to talk to him.  “Brennan and I have been talking about moving in together next year,” Kallie said, sitting next to Will on his bed.  “I think we’re going to try it out.  I’d love to still live with you, if you want to room with the both of us–”

Will wasn’t surprised.  “Hm, do I want to live in my little sister’s love nest?  Not especially.”  Will ruffled her hair and Kallie scowled at him.

“Will, I’m _asexual,”_ Kallie reminded him.  “The love in the nest will be limited to cuddles.”

Will chuckled.  “I know.  I’m just teasing.  Thank you, but no.  You two should take time to get to know each other, just the two of you.  I wouldn’t want to intrude on that.”

“Are you sure?  I don’t want you to have to be alone.”

“Kallie,” Will said seriously, putting his hand on his sister’s arm.  “I’m okay.  If I can’t handle being by myself, I’ll crash with Reyna or something.  I think I can handle living on my own now.  You don’t have to worry about me.”

So after finals week, Will found a new apartment for himself.  Kallie and Brennan helped him move, and then he helped Kallie and Brennan with their move.  As Will waved them goodbye as he left their apartment, he absently thought that he’d never been so glad that he’d turned down a date.

For a few weeks in June, Will went on vacation with Naomi while her secretary watched the animals.  She forced him to leave his laptop behind before whisking him away to a small, quaint island in Florida, where they spent their days snorkeling, kayaking, and relaxing on the beach.  Will convinced Naomi to take him to the conservation center, then Naomi brought him to the center of town so she could shop.  They ate at restaurants along the water and watched dolphins swimming in the distance.  Will hated to leave, but when he got back to New Rome, he felt relaxed.  He got back to work on his applications, now feeling a bit less anxious than he had before.

Before Will knew it, his summer was coming to an end.  Piper and Jason were going to live in Camp Half-Blood for the next year, but they’d come back and visit – something Will was looking forward to.  He and Jason were starting to get along again and he’d always been good friends with Piper.  Percy and Annabeth went on a cruise to celebrate their first anniversary.  Frank proposed to Hazel, and she, of course, said yes.  Ellis graduated and moved in with Cecil in San Fransisco.   Will wouldn’t be surprised if there was another proposal there soon.  Leo finished the LeoPhone update and gave Will his free upgrade.  Reyna was busy, as usual.  Will suspected that New Rome would elect her mayor when she finally retired from her praetor duties – although the legion seemed desperate to keep here there as long as they could.  Will and Kallie submitted their primary applications for med school and he bought his textbooks for the semester.

He’d nearly made it; in one year, he’d be going on to med school and then he was going to be a doctor.  Will could finally dream.  He could make those dreams real.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this fic without having read Repair and Varnish first, now might be a good time to go read it. If you have...well, you know what's coming next.  
> Let me know what you think in the comments!


	6. Angels on Parade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've reached the end! As a reminder, you haven’t read Varnish, you probably should go do that before reading because this chapter takes place during the events of that fic.  
> Thank you so much for sticking through this. I hope the ending is happy enough to make up for everything that happened before it!

Not long after his 24th birthday, Will went to the cemetery in the early morning on the third anniversary of Nico’s death.  The sun was just starting to rise, the cemetery was quiet, and Will had Pluto’s tomb to himself.

“Here’s your hair,” Will said, placing a lock of his hair in front of Nico’s urn.  “You know, I never did get that ritual, but whatever keeps you happy, I guess.”  He smirked.  “Of course, you always did have a thing for my hair, didn’t you?  I’ll bet that this whole ‘tradition’ is an elaborate scheme to be able to touch my hair in the Underworld.”

Will could imagine the way Nico would react.  His memories of the way Nico would scowl and blush were still clear in his mind.  He kept pictures of Nico around and saw Nico in his dreams, so he knew he’d always remember what Nico looked like even if his memory became fuzzy with time.

“Well, I heard back from some schools.  I’m working on my secondary applications now.  I’m surprised to hear back from so many, but I’m certainly not complaining.”  He knew Nico would have been excited for him.  Nico had always been supportive of Will’s dreams.

“Now, don’t get jealous, but Piper tried to set me up on another date last week,” Will said.  “Not to worry; I turned down the offer.  I’m still all yours.”  Will chuckled to himself.  “I’m joking, of course.  I know that you’d be happy for me.  I’m just...not interested.  Maybe someday, but I’m not actively looking for love.  If it happens, it happens, you know?  But for now, I’m happy like this.  I’ve got the love I need – I’ve got friends, I’ve got my mom, and...well, I’ve got you.”

Will looked at his feet and grinned.  “I miss you, though.  I miss you so much.  There are still days – not too often – but there are days that I wake up and reach over to take your hand, but you’re not there.”  He sighed.  “I had that dream again last night – you know, the one with all the fog – but I couldn’t find you.  It’s happened before; sometimes I wake up before I find you.  I don’t know why it bothered me so much last night.  I guess I just really wanted to see you.”

Will sighed and scratched the back of his neck.  “This day still isn’t easy for me,” he said.  “I can still smell the ashes of that building.  I can still see your body.  It was...horrifying, Nico.  It’s a memory that’ll always stay with me.  But....”  Will raised his eyes to look at the urn.  “There are other memories that’ll always stay with me, too.  You went out like a hero and that’s something you’ll always be remembered for.  But to me?  You were so much more than a hero.”

Will kissed the tips of his fingers and then reached out to press them against the cool metal of Nico’s urn.  “I love you,” he whispered.  “I’ll see you again someday.  Wait for me a little longer, alright?  I’ve still got some more to do on this end.  I’m going to make you proud.”

*   *   *

It turned out that Nico wasn’t interested in waiting, and ‘someday’ came sooner than Will thought.  Less than a month later, Will was staring at Nico’s sleeping body lying on a bed in the camp Jupiter infirmary.

After Hazel left him to find Reyna and Frank, Will had to walk away from Nico’s private room and find a quiet place to be by himself for a while.  The storage closet was good enough for Will, so he slipped inside and sat between the rows of shelved supplies.

He wished he had a candle.  But why?  The candles were for Nico.  And Nico...was back.  He’d gotten so used to using the candles as a way to give himself hope, but now...?

Why wasn’t he happy?  Why did he feel so conflicted?

Will didn’t understand.  He’d been doing so well.  He was finally starting to move on.  But now Nico had suddenly reappeared and....

What now?  Was everything supposed to go back to normal?  Why _couldn’t_ he go back to normal?  If Nico’s death had been what set off his depression, why hadn’t Nico’s return healed it?

 _I don’t deserve him,_ he thought.

Will bit back a sob as he recalled Hazel’s words: _“I’m not happy you did it, but you’ve redeemed yourself since then.”_

 _I was drunk every time,_ Will reminded himself, like his therapist had taught him.   _I was depressed.  I wasn’t well.  I made mistakes, but that was a long time ago._

Hazel hadn’t meant it the way he was taking it; Will knew that.  Hazel was kind.  She didn’t hold any of what had happened against him.

It was all in the past.  Will couldn’t change what had happened; all he could do was look to the future and continue to move forward.  Those affairs did not define him.  And the alcohol he’d tried to drown himself in?  His preoccupation with thoughts of suicide?  His depression?  Those things did not define him, either.

But what was going to happen now?

Sniffing, Will pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contacts until he found the number for the Student Psychological Center.  When his call was answered, he said, “I’d like to make an appointment with Dr. Guerra.  As soon as possible, please.”

He set up an appointment for the next day and put a reminder in his phone to swap infirmary shifts with someone so he would be able to make it.  Then Will took a deep breath and called Piper.

She didn’t answer the first time, so Will desperately tried again, and that time, she picked up.  “Hey, Will, sorry, I couldn’t get to the phone fast enough.  What’s up?”

Will cleared his throat and attempted to regain some composure, hoping that he could keep his voice from cracking.  “Piper,” he said.  “Something’s happened.  And I think you and Jason are going to want to come back down to New Rome for a while.”

“What’s going on?” Piper asked, her voice taking on a serious tone.

“Early this morning, Hazel and I...we got a call.  From Nico.”

 

Piper and Jason made it back within two days and Annabeth and Percy came with them.  Leo and Calypso dropped what they were doing as soon as they were able to come down for a visit the day after.

It was around that time that Nico woke up.  Will was with him at the time, and when he turned around and saw Nico’s black eyes looking up at him, all the confusion and muddled emotions had boiled over and he broke down in tears right in front of him.  Every time he saw Nico after that, he had to keep his guard up to make sure he stayed professional.  He didn’t know what was happening, and he figured he shouldn’t do anything based on his flurry of emotions until he understood what was going on.

When Jason and Piper went to visit Nico, they pulled Will aside before they entered his room.

“Are you okay?” Piper asked.  

“Fine,” Will said.  They were staring at him with wide-eyed expressions of awe, but said nothing, like they weren’t quite sure how to begin.  There were so many questions – where could they start?  What could they ask first?  Will understood the feeling.  “He’s stable,” Will went on with an even voice.  “He’s in a solitary room.  He’s woken up a few times.”

“Will, you–” Piper started, but Will shook his head.

“Not now,” he said.  “I...I can’t answer anything else right now.”

Piper and Jason exchanged a glance.  “Okay,” Jason said.  “But don’t–”

“Shut you out?” Will  finished.  “I know.  I’m just...I’m not ready to talk just yet.”

Dr. Guerra was helping.  She was just as bewildered as he was, but she reminded him about all the things they’d discussed together over the last two years and told him not to let himself slip back into his depression.  “You have come such a long way, Will,” she said.  “This is just one more thing that you’ve got to figure out how to deal with.  You got through losing Nico, and you can get through this, too.”

“Hazel says I have to tell him about all the...the drinking and the one-night-stands,” Will said.  “I should, shouldn’t I?”

“Well, you tell me.”

“I...I need to tell him,” Will whispered.  “He should know.”

“And what about you?” she asked.  “Why do _you_ need to tell him?  Not why _he_ needs you to – tell me about _you.”_

“Because...I....” Will swallowed.  “This is something I can’t keep from him.  The guilt I’d feel....”  Will took a deep breath.  “What I did wasn’t right.  I know I wasn’t cheating on him, but it still wasn’t healthy and it was disrespectful to him.  I need to tell him so that I can apologize.”

“Alright,” Dr. Guerra said.  “I think you’ve got it figured out.  And Will?  No matter what happens, you know that you’re a good person and you’ve come a long way from where you were three years ago.  Don’t forget that.”

But Will couldn’t tell Nico.  Not right away, at least.  Especially not once it became apparent that he had feelings for Nico.

Will had meant what he’d said when he’d told his friends that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.  He wasn’t so sure that Nico’s sudden reappearance changed that.  If anything, it shook him so hard that he didn’t think he was stable enough to have a boyfriend.

“If you suspected something was off about his death, why did you try to set me up on so many dates?” Will asked Hazel one day.

“Well,” Hazel said slowly.  “First of all, I didn’t _know_.  I just sensed that something was different.  Of course I remembered about Leo and how his death felt different, too, but I wasn’t going to hope for anything like that with Nico.  It would’ve broken my heart if I’d been wrong.  Honestly, Will, I was more concerned that I’d messed up the funeral and I didn’t put his soul to rest.  I didn’t want you to put your life on hold for something that might’ve never happened.  I meant what I said, Will: I wanted you to be happy.”

But, like Will had said before, he wasn’t so sure a boyfriend was what he needed to be happy.  Not even if that boyfriend was Nico.

Still, Will liked Nico.  He didn’t allow himself to act on his feelings much at first because he wasn’t sure if he was thinking clearly, but Will liked him.  He enjoyed being around Nico.  He sometimes sat with Nico to eat lunch, or he took Nico outside for some fresh air and just talked to him.  Nico even started to help him out in the infirmary when he was starting to get better, just like he had when they’d been dating.  He’d sit next to Will and joke around with him while he helped cut bandages and he’d scare the occasional uncooperative child of Mars into sitting quietly and obediently while Will attended to their wounds.

“I have a question,” Will said one day when Nico was helping him restock the infirmary’s supply of Band-Aids and unicorn stickers.

“Shoot,” Nico answered.

“Your body was cremated,” Will said, passing a Hello Kitty Band-Aid to one of his sisters when she held out her hand.  A few cohorts had gotten into a bit of a brawl.   _Most_ of the wounds were minor, but not all; he’d had to reattach someone’s foot earlier.  “It was mostly destroyed in that fire, and at your funeral, your remains were cremated.”

“Yes, that was a good choice,” Nico said, nodding in approval.

“No, I mean, there is an urn in your tomb in the cemetery.  Your ashes are inside it.  Your body – which was quite literally dead – was burned and the ashes were gathered up and put in a jar.”

“Yes.  I’m aware of how cremation works.”

Will sighed.  “Oh, godsdammit.  I see the _sass_ hasn’t changed.”

A smirk broke out on Nico’s face and he chuckled.  Will couldn’t help laughing, too.

“Really, Nico,” he said, standing up after he and Nico put away the last of the boxes.  “I don’t understand.”

“This body is new,” Nico explained.  “Hades created it.  It’s a replication of what it once was.”

“But if it’s new, why is it so....”

“What?  Broken?”

 _“No._ I mean...it’s delicate.  It’s not 100 percent healthy.  You were fading pretty badly when we found you.  Why didn’t he make your body what it was before the accident?”

Nico raised an eyebrow.  “Hades is Lord of the Dead, Will.  Creating life isn’t exactly his specialty.”

Will looked away sheepishly.  He hadn’t thought of that.  “I didn’t mean anything negative, Nico.”

“I know.”

Will risked a glance back at Nico – he really was beautiful.  Will still thought so, even years after he’d died, even when Nico’s body wasn’t as healthy as the one he left behind.  He was just as beautiful as he had been before, if not more so.

Will cleared his throat, stopping his thoughts before they could go further.  “So it’s not made out of dead body parts or anything, right?”

“What?” Nico said, looking amused.

“Hey, if I’m dealing with Frankenstein’s monster, I think I have a right to be informed!”

Chuckling, Nico asked, “Are you sure you want to know the answer to that question?”

Will blanched.

Nico grinned.  “I’m kidding.  Don’t worry; I’m not made of dead bodies.  Hades formed this one fresh – that’s part of why it took so long to get back.  The body had to develop.  That’s why it’s not one hundred percent healthy.”

“That still doesn’t make sense.  Did Hades clone your body or something?”

“Not exactly, he just made a new one that mimics the old one.”

“But your DNA was duplicated?”

“Will, I don’t fucking know,” Nico said with a roll of his eyes.  “It just happened, okay?”

“Well, _excuse_ me,” Will scoffed.  “It’s not like I’m the doctor who’s trying to treat this...this....” – Will gestured to Nico vaguely – “...this new clone body of yours.”

“I am _not_ a clone.  I’m not Frankenstein’s monster.  And I’m not a zombie, either.”

“Of course you’re not a zombie.  That would require a corpse to reanimate.  Yours, as I said before, is in an urn.”

“And you call _me_ the sassy one?”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Hey!” called another voice – it was Will’s Roman half-brother, Sorin, shouting from where he stood beside a patient’s bed.  “Keep the bickering to a minimum, you two.  We’re trying to heal people here.”

Will’s lips quirked up and he apologized for being disruptive.  As soon as Sorin looked away, he and Nico exchanged a glance.   _“Romans,”_ Will muttered.  “Always so orderly.”

“They always did tell you off.”

“I’m still attempting to rebel against their closed-toe-shoes policy,” Will whispered conspiratorially, then he pouted.  “I miss my flip flops.”

Nico burst into laughter.  The sound made Will blush.

 _Beautiful,_ he thought, looking at the wide smile on Nico’s face.   _Absolutely beautiful._

*   *   *

Naomi was concerned when Will went home to visit.  She was _always_ concerned about Will – “That’s just what mamas do, sweetheart,” she’d tell him.  She, like Will, wasn’t exactly _happy_ when she found out that Nico was back.  It wasn’t that they weren’t glad to see Nico; the problem was that Nico’s return didn’t fix any of what happened when he died.  Naomi wanted to know what all of this meant for her son.  Will assured her that he was going to take it slowly, but he was pretty sure he liked Nico.

“I’m being careful,” Will promised.  “I’m taking care of myself.  You don’t have to worry; I’ll figure this out.  I’m thinking everything through and we’re doing a good job of letting each other know what we’re feeling.  Well, to an extent, at least.  It’s...going to be okay, Mama.   _I’m_ going to be okay.”

Naomi told him she believed him.  She asked about Nico’s health – physical and mental – about how it had happened, about what he’d been doing since he’d come back, and about where he’d been the last three years.  Will answered all her questions as well as he could.  Although she was still shocked, she let him know that whatever he decided to do, she’d support him.  “I always liked Nico,” she said.  “He was part of the family and when he died, it was hard on me, too, Will.  And let me tell you, honey, if he ever needs a place to stay or a mama to take care of him, I’d take him in a heartbeat.”

Later that night, when Will was heading to bed, Naomi knocked on his door.  She’d brought a candle and a lighter with her.  “I know that things are different now,” she said.  “But I figured you could still use this.  Want to light a candle for Nico?”

Will hadn’t lit a candle since Nico had come back.  He hadn’t been sure if he should.  After all, the candles had been for his dead boyfriend.  Now that Nico was alive again...was it something he was _allowed_ to do?

But when Naomi offered it, Will said yes.  He felt like he needed it.

“I still love him,” Will said as he sat with Naomi on the edge of his bed, watching the candle flicker.  “I _know_ I do.  I don’t know if I love him _romantically,_ or if it can be turned into a relationship, but I do know that I care for him just as much as I used to – maybe more.  And...I like him.”  Will smiled and chuckled at himself.  “I’ve got a pretty huge crush on him, to be honest.  I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but...that’s how I feel.”

“I think I understand,” Naomi said.  “And what do you plan on doing about it?”

“After everything that happened, the last thing on my mind was starting a relationship,” Will admitted.  “And then, all of a sudden, Nico came back and...I’m so confused.  I don’t know if I’m ready to date or fall in love.  I’d like to be, though.”

“Then let it happen,” Naomi advised.  “Let yourself fall in love.  And let him love _you._  God knows you deserve to be loved.”

*   *   *

Nico and Will became kind-of-dating friends quickly.  When Will wasn’t in class, studying, or working in the infirmary, he was usually with Nico.  Nico showed up at his apartment uninvited to play video games.  He would tag along with Hazel for her weekly lunch date with Will.  Will would answer his door to find Nico standing there with a shit-eating grin, carrying Thai take-out and ready to tell Will about all the trouble he’d gotten the legion into with Reyna.  

And Will liked him.  Will liked him more and more every day.  He knew that Nico felt the same.

Will spent a good deal of time at Frank and Hazel’s place, too.  For one thing, he and Hazel had grown very close over the last three years, and for another, it was where Nico lived.  The four of them had game night every Friday, schedules permitting, and he went over to their condo to have lunch on most Sundays.

One Friday in December, Nico popped into Will’s apartment to hang out for a while before game night started.  Will was busy doing some homework at the time, so Nico flopped on his sofa and stole one of Will’s textbooks to look at the pictures.  The photos and illustrations of bones and guts and tumors always entertained him.  (Nico was a bit morbid that way.  Will kind of liked it.)  Will just smiled at the serious and intrigued expression that grew on Nico’s face when he opened Will’s molecular biology textbook, then Will got back to reviewing his psychopharmacology notes.  He soon lost himself in studying and Will didn’t even realize he was absentmindedly singing until he glanced up and caught Nico looking at him with an amused smile.

“What?” Will asked defiantly.

“I can’t believe you’re _still_ singing that song,” Nico remarked.

Will hadn’t noticed, but he’d been singing _Can’t Stop the Feeling,_ which he’d been obsessed with for months before Nico died.  “It’s a good song!” he tried to argue, but Nico was laughing.

“You still have a crush on Justin Timberlake,” Nico teased.

Will huffed.  “You can’t blame me,” he muttered.  “He is a beautiful human being and I will not let you speak a word against him.”

Nico just shook his head.  “I never said I disagreed.”

“Good,” Will said.  “I wouldn’t be happy if you made me choose between my two biggest crushes of all time.”  Will almost immediately froze, realizing the word he’d just used.  He knew Nico was fully aware of Will’s feelings for him, but they hadn’t put a label on it yet.

“Oh, so I’m just one of two?” Nico asked, grinning flirtatiously and showing no signs of being uncomfortable with Will’s words.  “I thought I was one-of-a-kind.”

“You are,” Will assured.  “Trust me, you’re way more important to me than JT.”

“Wow, I’m honored,” Nico laughed.  “I know how much you love the guy.”

Will smiled and closed his notebook.  “We should head over,” he said as he stood up.

“Oh, Hazel wants you to bring Clue,” Nico said, tossing Will’s textbook aside and explaining that Hazel had apparently told Nico she’d gotten tired of him beating everyone at Mythomagic.

“Well, she’s kind of right,” Will said, leading Nico to his bedroom, where he stored the board games on the top shelf of his closet.  To be honest, Nico would probably beat everyone at Clue, too.

“You guys are just sore losers,” Nico said as he poked around Will’s bedroom.  Will didn’t really mind; Nico had never actually been to that part of his apartment before then, so he was curious.

“No,” Will said.  “You’re a sore _winner.”_

“Am not!”

“Oh, please,” Will grunted, pushing Taboo out of the way.  “You gloat like you need it to breathe.”

Nico tsked.  Will smirked to himself; Nico always took games way too seriously.  He’d get so adorably worked up about them and he had the _worst_ potty mouth when he got really into his gaming mode.  Will found it amusing.

Will grabbed the Clue box and shut the door of his closet.  “Hey, Nico, should we pick up a few boxes of pizza on the way over?” he asked as he turned around.

Nico was busy examining the top of Will’s dresser.  “Hm,” he mumbled.

“Nico.  Pizza.”

“Oh,” Nico said.  “Yeah, sure, sounds good.  Hey, Will?”

Will frowned and walked across the room towards him.  “What’s up?”

“I found this,” he said quietly, turning around.  “This is...mine.”

Will looked at Nico’s hand to see that he was holding the silver skull ring that Will had taken when Nico died.

“Oh,” Will murmured.  He’d thought about giving it back to Nico; he supposed he’d just forgotten.  “Yeah, that’s yours.  I...um...Hazel told me to keep it when you died.  She took your sword, I took your ring.  I was going to offer it to you.  Do you want to take it back?”

Nico thought for a moment, rolling the ring in the palm of his hand.  “No,” he answered, placing it on Will’s dresser.  “I think I want you to keep it for me.”

*   *   *

When Will woke up the day after Christmas, he took his time examining the dark curve of Nico’s eyelashes and relaxed lines of his face.  It was only the second night that Nico had slept in Will’s bed beside him, but Will didn’t think he’d wake up without being awestruck for quite a while.  The golden light of morning failed to wake Nico, as usual, but Will wasn’t in a hurry to get out of bed.  He waited patiently, unable to stop smiling to himself.

Because he was in love.  

Will was in love again – or maybe he always had been.  Maybe he’d never stopped being in love with Nico.  Will didn’t care.  He wasn’t even afraid; sure, he was a little nervous, but he was happy and excited.  He was tumbling into this beautiful, wonderful love and there was absolutely no stopping it.  And that was okay.

He was ready for it.  He didn’t feel like he was able to say the words “I love you” quite yet, but he wasn’t in a rush.  That time would come.  All he needed now was to know if Nico was ready for it, too.

Will rolled onto his back to wait for Nico to wake up, and Nico did about an hour later.  Will grinned and whispered, “Good morning, beautiful.”

Nico grunted and shoved Will away.  “Too early.”

“That’s not what you said yesterday morning.”

“Yesterday was Christmas,” Nico growled.

Will rolled his eyes.  “And you’re a pagan.”

“Raised Catholic,” Nico corrected.

“Well, pardon my insensitivity,” Will said.  “Let me take you out to breakfast to make up for it.”

Nico grumbled.  “How about lunch instead?”

“No, that won’t work,” Will replied.  “My father is the god of breakfast and I must woo you with this particular meal.”

“Since when has Apollo been the god of breakfast?” Nico muttered.

“I’ll explain later.  Up!”  Will pulled the sheets off Nico, who groaned in complaint and curled his legs up to his chest.

“Cold,” he whimpered.

“Get dressed, cutie,” Will said, ruffling Nico’s hair and earning himself a glare.  “You’re rocking the t-shirt and sweatpants look, but only I get to see you looking this hot.”

“I look like shit,” Nico mumbled as Will climbed out of bed.

“Yeah, and it’s hot,” Will answered.  He grabbed some clothes and left the room to take a shower.  “Don’t fall back asleep, or else I’ll bring a cup of ice water when I come back!”

The threat was apparently enough to get Nico out of bed; Nico knew that Will wasn’t bluffing.  Will had dumped ice water on him before to get him to wake up, and he wasn’t above doing it again.  They had a nice breakfast in a crowded diner down the street, then Will took Nico on a walk through the empty campus, which was kind of creepy, but Nico had an affinity for creepy things.  He told Nico all about the classes he would be taking – mainly just ones to finish up his minor – while Nico held his hand and listened.

They didn’t make it back home until late afternoon.  They ate leftovers for dinner and Will cleaned up afterwards.  When he turned down Nico’s offer to help, Nico defiantly hugged Will from behind until Will finished washing the dishes.  “Hey, Nico?” he said, putting his hand on top of Nico’s on his belly.  “We should talk.  About us.”

Nico tightened his grip before releasing him.  “Yeah,” he agreed.  “You’re right.”

Will turned around and took Nico’s hands.  “I like you, Nico.  I am so happy right now, being here with you.  But I have to ask – are you sure this is what you want?  To be with me?”

“I’m certain,” Nico answered with a nod, as though he’d expected the question.  “You’re what I’ve always wanted.  I wake up every day and you’re still what I want.”

Will smiled bashfully.  He believed Nico.  Maybe a part of him still doubted whether he was worthy of Nico’s affection, but he knew that he had it whether he deserved it or not.  And if _he_ was what Nico wanted, he wasn’t going to question it.  “There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you, you know.”

“I _do_ know,” Nico said.  “And I’m honored.  Sad, but honored.  I know you don’t think so, Will, but you mourned so beautifully.  Maybe that sounds odd, but I understand grief.  And the grief I’ve picked up from you?  You’ve changed a lot, Will.  You’re less carefree, more solemn, and there’s something in your eyes that’s always a little bit sad, even when you’re happy.  I get what that’s like.  I can tell you’ve lost someone you care for.  Yet you’re so good and kind, even though you’ve been hurt so badly.  That sadness and grief was all for me, and you dealt with it wonderfully.”

Will looked at his feet and smiled – he felt like he’d really needed to hear Nico say that.  He _had_ done well, in the end.

“Will?” Nico said gently.  “Would you kiss me?”

Will’s smile faltered, but then his expression softened.  “That’s right; I haven’t done that yet, have I?”  Every time that they’d kissed so far, Nico had been the one to initiate.  Maybe Will had been to scared to do it; maybe he still doubted that it was welcome.  But he did want to kiss Nico, and if Nico wanted Will to initiate, Will was happy to oblige.

 

It wasn’t until after they went to bed that the doubt started to creep in.  Nico fell asleep quickly, but Will lay awake, his cheek pressed against Nico’s chest as he listened to his heartbeat.  His mind wouldn’t shut down to allow him to rest.  It wasn’t that he doubted his feelings for Nico; no, he knew that he was in love.  He didn’t doubt that Nico cared for him, either; Nico had already made his feelings clear.

What Will couldn’t stop worrying about was whether he and Nico had moved too quickly.  He couldn’t help doubting whether he was ready for a relationship.  He could remember what it had been when he’d lost Nico.  If he lost Nico like that again...well, he didn’t think he’d be able to take it a second time.

In the early hours of morning, Will pulled away and slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Nico.  He brewed himself a cup of chamomile tea and lit a candle to calm himself, then he sat down on the sofa to let his thoughts wander.

He didn’t regret his decision to let himself love Nico.  He wanted to be with Nico and he knew Nico wanted him, too.  But the more he thought about it, the more frightening it seemed.  What if it didn’t work out the way it had before?  What if he had changed too much?  Like Nico had said, Will was different now.  He wasn’t as optimistic as he used to be.  Nico used to count on that part of him for support sometimes.  Would he be able to be there for Nico when Nico needed him?  And if he couldn’t, would they last?  Would Will be able to help Nico if he was in trouble?  Or would he lose him again?

“Will?”

Will looked up to see Nico standing in the doorway to the bedroom.  “Hey,” he greeted, forcing himself to smile.  “Did I wake you?”

Nico shrugged, then he nodded to the mug in Will’s hands.  “That smells nice,” he said.  “Is there any more?”

“There’s still some hot water on the stove,” Will answered.  “I haven’t put the tea bags away yet.”

Nico yawned as he stepped into the kitchen to brew himself a cup of tea.  “Are you having trouble getting to sleep?” Nico asked.

“Yeah,” Will admitted.

“Then I’ll stay up with you.”  Before Will could protest, Nico made his way over to sit by Will on the sofa, swirling the tea bag in his cup.  “The candle’s pretty,” he commented.

“Mm,” Will mumbled in agreement, realizing he hadn’t told Nico about his ritual with the candles yet.  “I...uh...I was afraid of fire for a long time after...well, it took you,” he started.  “I’m much better now, though.  I still get nervous around bigger fires, but I can handle it.”  Will took a deep breath.  “What about you?  Are you scared of fire?”

Nico was quiet for a moment, staring at the flame with a thoughtful expression.  “No,” he finally said.  “But it wasn’t the fire that did it for me.  It was the suffocation.  Then it was what happened after.”

Will nodded.  “When you were gone, I...I had this thing I would do if...I don’t know.  If I wanted to talk to you.  I’d light a candle.  At first, it was because the fire scared me and...I guess I wanted to punish myself.  But later, it comforted me.  I still feel like I need it sometimes.”

Nico sipped his tea silently, like he was trying to find the right words to say.  “You’re grown up in a way you weren’t before.  Like I said earlier, there’s an air of tragedy and remorse around you, even now.  Even though I’m right here.”

Will sighed.  He hadn’t meant to make Nico feel like he had to fight with his past self for Will’s affection.  “Nico–”

“I get it,” Nico interrupted.  “If Bianca suddenly came back, I still would have the memories of losing her and struggling to find my way without her.  You lost someone you loved, and that kind of scar doesn’t go away.”

“No,” Will agreed.  “But it gets less painful.”

Nico reached out and squeezed his hand.  “Yeah.”

Will swallowed, staring at their joined hands.  “I’m scared,” he admitted.

“Of?”

“Of this.  Us.  I’m scared of losing you again.”

Nico looked away for a moment.  “I’m scared, too,” he admitted.  “Everything changed while I was gone.  New Rome, the camps, the people I care about...Carrie Fisher is dead and Donald Trump is the fucking President of the United States.”

“Touché.”

“I wasn’t trying to turn this into a contest.”

“I know.”

Nico leaned over to rest his head on Will’s shoulder.  “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.  “You aren’t losing me.”

Will breathed deeply.  He knew Nico wouldn’t leave him; he was just insecure because of the way their relationship had ended the last time.  “Do you think that this is going to work out?” Will asked quietly.

“What, us?”

“Mhmm.”

Nico sighed and nestled comfortably into Will’s side.  “I do,” he said.  “I’m nervous, too, but I think we’ll be just fine.”

“Even though I’ve changed so much?”

“Yes,” Nico said.  “I like this Will, too.  I like how much you’ve changed.  There’s a sad maturity about you and...honestly?  It’s kinda hot.”

Will snorted.  “What the fuck, Nico?”

“I said you’re hot,” Nico repeated clearly, setting his tea on the coffee table.  “And there are still parts of you that are exactly the same as you used to be.  It still reminds me of the boy I met years ago.  I like all those things – the old, and the new.”

Will didn’t answer immediately.  He took his time thinking, staring into the flame atop the candle.  “I missed you so much,” he whispered.  “And now you’re back and it’s...it’s so confusing.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything.  I want to be with you and I’m not backing out.  It’s just that I got so used to talking to your grave or to a candle.  I believed you were with me in...in some kind of spiritual sense, I guess.  But...you weren’t, were you?”

“I don’t know,” Nico replied.  “I may have been.  I just wouldn’t have been aware of it because of my task.”

Will rubbed his temple, knowing that he was rambling like an idiot.  “Never mind.  It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does.”

It did.  It mattered to Will, as foolish as it was.

“Will you come back to bed with me?” Nico asked.  “We’ll talk more later, I promise.  But right now we should sleep.”

Will nodded and followed Nico back to bed.  

 

Will woke up before Nico the next morning and made them coffee, and the smell attracted Nico to the kitchen.  “Good morning,” he greeted, pouring Nico a mug.

“Mm,” Nico mumbled tiredly.  He accepted the coffee from Will and sat down at the table.  When Will joined him, Nico looked at him and asked, “Do you feel better?  Or should we talk more?”

Will sighed.  He’d been thinking about what he’d say to Nico all morning.  “Things are going to be different than they used to be.  Thinking about that can make me feel a little nervous,” he said.  “I’m still getting used to you being back and I’ll have to get used to being in a relationship again, too.  Last night I was caught off guard by my anxiety, and I’ll probably be caught off guard again, but I trust you.  I trust _us.”_

Nico nodded.  “Will, this relationship is going to work because you and I are going to _make_ it work.”

“Yes,” Will agreed.  “I’m not giving up, Nico.  You are what I want.  I know we’ll have some hurdles to get over, but we’ll find a way.  I’m all in.”

*   *   *

It wasn’t always easy.  It wasn’t easy the first time Nico accidentally travelled inside Will’s nightmares while the both of them were asleep – Will had been dreaming about the night Nico died, so when Nico appeared, he was inside the burning building again, smoke filling his lungs as he struggled to breathe.  They both woke up in a panic attack, but they also knew how to handle it on their own.  While seeing each other panicking made it harder on them, they were both able to calm themselves down.  So, no, it wasn’t easy, but they could make it work.

It wasn’t easy when Nico first expressed his desire to be intimate with Will, either.  Will, despite the steps he’d taken and how much he’d recovered, still couldn’t help but see sex as a dirty, sinful thing, and he felt sick at the idea that he would sully their relationship with sex.  He knew his feelings on the matter didn’t make sense, and he remembered what it had been like when he and Nico made love years ago, but he couldn’t force away the feeling of disgust he had when he considered doing that with Nico.

Overwhelmed by the idea, Will frantically called Piper after Nico left.  “Nico wants to have sex,” Will blurted out.  “I...I don’t know what to do.”

“Will, calm down,” Piper said.  “Do _you_ want to?”

“Yes...no...I don't know!  I...he...he told me we could wait.  I...I love him, Piper, and of course I’m attracted to him – I mean, I guess I’m attracted to him.  He’s beautiful, I just really haven’t considered sex much at all.  But I love him and I...shouldn’t I be over everything by now?  Why do I still feel this...this weird revulsion to sex?  He’s _always_ waiting for me.  I’m the one who’s keeping us from moving forward.  Why can’t I just...just....”

“Will, listen to me,” Piper said.  “You have every right to take this slowly.  Everyone is different and there isn’t a deadline for ‘getting over it.’  Nico wants you to be comfortable and it sounds like he’s being pretty considerate, so don’t be scared to talk to him and tell him what’s going on in your head.  Sex isn’t the only thing that’s important in a relationship, you know that.”

“But it’s important to him.  And he’s important to me.  Should I just...you know, do it?”

“You’re not listening to me, Will.  It sounds like you are seriously uncomfortable with the idea of having sex.  Nico wouldn’t want you to force yourself to do it.”

“Then what should I do?” Will asked.

“I think this is something you should talk to your therapist about, Will.  Listen, there’s nothing wrong with sex, and there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting sex.  There is nothing wrong with _you._ Do you understand?”

“I...yes.”  Will took a deep breath.  “I just want...I want things to be normal, Piper.”

“I know,” she said sympathetically.  “But maybe normal _now_ isn’t the same thing that it used to be.  Maybe you have a new ‘normal.’  Your relationship with Nico has changed, you’ve said so yourself.  It’s not the same as it used to be.  So maybe your sexual relationship won’t be the same, either.  Does that make sense, Will?”

Will swallowed.  “Yes.  And I know it’s not weird to not be interested in sex – Kallie’s asexual, I get it.  But I’m _not_ asexual.  Or, at least, I wasn’t.  Sexuality doesn’t change, does it?  I’m not supposed to feel like this.”

“Well, sexuality doesn’t exactly _change_ , but _you_ can change, and your view of sex can change, and your libido and interest in sex can fluctuate.  Personally, I think it’s possible for sexuality to be more fluid than we sometimes make it out to be.  Maybe you’re not asexual, but you don’t have to fit completely inside of the little cookie cutter version of allosexual, either.  Will, I don’t think that it is unreasonable for you to feel the way you do – I think it makes sense that you’re uncomfortable.  And I don’t think Nico wants you to freak out about this so much.  Talk to your therapist.  Talk to Nico.”

Will followed Piper’s advice.  He talked to Dr. Guerra about this thoughts and she helped him figure some things out.  She helped him remember that sex wasn’t dirty or shameful, but she also made sure he knew that he shouldn’t be ashamed of his discomfort.  “Take your time,” she told him.  “You told me that you were going to take this relationship slowly.  If you are not comfortable with sex, don’t do it.”

“I _want_ to want it,” Will said.  “It was...it was good with Nico, before he died.  I would like to have that again, but...I don’t know.” Will faltered, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.  “I guess I’m afraid that it’ll be like those one-night-stands.  That’s not what I want our relationship to be.  I don’t want to feel dirty like that ever again, but I do want to be close to Nico that way.  I don’t...I don’t really know how to explain how I feel.”

“No, it makes sense,” Dr. Guerra said.  “Maybe what you need to do is figure out a way to separate what happened in the one-night-stands, which you _didn’t_ like, and what happens between you and the person you love, which is something you _do_ like.  Right now, you’re putting it all under this umbrella term of ‘sex.’”

“You mean like, ‘love-sex’ and...I don’t even know what to call the other thing.  It definitely wasn’t ‘pleasure-sex.’  Maybe ‘sex-to-cope’?”

“Yeah, that works.  ‘Emotionally-unhealthy-sex’ is a bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?  Try doing that, and see how you feel about sex then.  Just go at your own pace and remember that this _isn’t_ the only, or even the most, important thing about your relationship with Nico.  There’s nothing wrong with you, and if sex is something you want, we’ll work to find a way to get you comfortable with the idea.”

*   *   *

Will continued to think about it and Nico was respectful of Will’s limits – sometimes _too_ respectful.  When Will noticed that Nico had started to cut back on make-out time, he wasn’t entirely happy about it.  After a week, he finally broke and pushed Nico against a wall to shove his tongue in his mouth.

“Oh,” Nico said when Will finally pulled back.  “That was nice.”

“Yes,” Will agreed.  “Now keep kissing me.”

Will figured out that Nico was waiting for _him_ to initiate anything remotely sexual in nature after that.  Every so often, he touched Nico in ways that Nico hadn’t been touching him – a kiss to the back of the neck, a hand lightly touching Nico’s waist under his shirt – as a silent signal that it was something he’d be okay with.  Apparently, Will had been thinking about intimacy a lot, because he dreamt the first sex dream that he’d had in _years._ Nico had, thankfully, claimed big spoon that night, so Will just whimpered into his pillow and thought about icebergs until his problem went away.

Possibly as a product of his depression and antidepressants, his libido had been fairly low ever since Nico died – even when he was having his affairs – so he hadn’t touched himself very often in the past few years.  Even when he had, he could rarely do it to completion.  But once Nico got him thinking about it, that started to change – he accidentally saw Nico changing one morning and ended up taking care of his arousal in the shower while Nico made breakfast.  Will still didn’t think he was ready to do that sort of thing _with_ Nico, but he was getting there.

But Will’s sexual relationship with Nico wasn’t all that he had to worry about.  He had to think about which medical school to attend, what that would mean for him and Nico, and where he was going to live the next year.  He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t thinking about Nico when he chose to go to school in San Francisco.  In the end, he’d narrowed it down to two schools, and he decided that either one could be the right choice.  It was obvious to him that he should choose San Francisco; not only did he think it was the best for Nico and their relationship, it was also close to New Rome and he liked the climate.  Plus, his best friend was already living there.

After his graduation, Will and Nico took advantage of his freer schedule to spend more time with one another.  They took their time relaxing together in New Rome – going on walks, having picnics on the green, taking naps in the summer sun, and other romantic things like playing video games and resetting the occasional broken bone (Nico still seemed to have a knack for getting into trouble).  By the end of May, Nico told Will he was going to take him on a trip to San Francisco to explore the city and find a place to live.

There was a moment on that trip, late at night when they were riding the trolley back to their hotel room, that Will turned to Nico to tell him something, but as soon as he saw Nico’s face, he forgot what he’d meant to say.  Nico was getting drowsy and his dark eyes were half closed, but he was smiling like he was lost in thought as the yellow light from the storefronts slid over his skin and he watched the city go by.

He looked beautiful.  Everything about Nico amazed Will.  His beauty, yes, but also his selflessness, his strength, his capacity for love, his bravery....

It was at that moment that Will realized he wanted something.  It wasn’t sex, exactly; Will wanted intimacy.  He wanted that deep, physical connection; that vulnerability and trust.  He wanted to give himself to Nico and he wanted to cherish everything Nico offered him.

Will remembered what it had been like to sleep with Nico.  He remembered the unforgettable magic that they had created every time they touched.  That, Will knew, had been nothing like the fooling around he’d done when he’d been lost and struggling to cope with his grief.  He and Nico had made love.

“I love you,” Will said suddenly, and Nico looked at him in surprise.  Before Nico could respond, Will touched his cheek and kissed him.  “I love you so much, Nico.”

Will continued to think about it until their last day in San Francisco, when he finally told Nico he was ready.  They waited for another day, after they’d returned to New Rome.  Before anything happened between them, Will talked to Kallie during their shift at the infirmary.  It was quiet – there was only one patient staying overnight because of a head injury received in the war games – and Will took advantage of the lull.

“Kallie?” Will said in a low whisper.  “Can I ask you for a favor?”

Kallie nodded and looked up from her clipboard.  “What’s up?” she asked.

Will took a deep breath.  “Would you test me?”

Kallie looked at him quietly before saying, “You mean an STD test?”

“Yes,” Will answered.  “I just...I want to make sure.”

“Of course I can,” she said, smiling reassuringly.  “With the new equipment we got from our collaboration with the Vulcan kids, we’ll be able to get your results by the time your shift is over.  Sound good?”

Will nodded, smiling in return.  “Thanks,” he said softly.

“No problem,” Kallie answered.  “Now go pee in a cup and I’ll get ready to draw a blood sample.”

In the end, his results turned up clean.

And his time with Nico?  Magical.

*   *   *

The rest of the summer was quiet, save for Hazel and Frank’s wedding in mid-summer, which, although small, was a lively affair.  The wedding party consisted of only Nico and Reyna, and Nico walked Hazel down the aisle.  Like at Percy and Annabeth’s wedding, Will danced.  But that time, Will danced with Nico, too.

Will took Nico back to Austin with him to visit his mother for a week in July.  Naomi, predictably, spoiled Nico rotten.  She fawned over his cooking skills, basically bought him an entirely new wardrobe, and considered buying him a _car._ Will had to talk her out of the car because (a) one car was enough in a big city like San Francisco, (b) their apartment only offered them a single parking spot, and (c) Nico _still_ hadn’t reacquired a legal license, since his last one was invalid as a result of being dead.

One evening, Will saw Nico and Naomi sitting outside on the back porch together.  The conversation looked serious, so Will decided not to interrupt.  It was a while before the two of them came back inside, and Will didn’t question them.  He assumed that whatever they’d been discussing was a private conversation the two of them needed to have, and, judging by their relaxed postures, it seemed to have gone well.  Will just smiled at them, held up a deck of cards, and suggested they play a few rounds of Gin Rummy.

Naomi’s pets, as usual, weren’t very comfortable with Nico (with the exception of Lulu, who seemed to have a faulty fear reflex).  Nico had never met Puddin’ before, and he had a hard time accepting her name when Will introduced them.

“No, no,” Will said, petting the cat between her ears.  “Her name is not _Pudding._ It’s Puddin’.”

 _“Pudding,”_ Nico insisted definitely.

 _“Puddin’,”_ Will repeated, his voice heavily infused with his Texan drawl.

“Gods, fine,” Nico scowled, then he scrunched up his nose and said “Pood-din” in a terrible imitation of Will’s accent.

Will chuckled.  “There.  Now was that so hard?”

“It was unreasonably painful, yes.”

Nico was still endlessly amused by Will’s rivalry with Jellybean the Evil Scarlet Macaw.  He said it felt comforting to see that Jellybean still shrieked at Will and shouted “No!” whenever he saw him.  Once, when Will was watching Nico play with Lulu in the family room, Jellybean picked up on Nico’s voice baby talking the cat and mimicked him saying, “Who’s the prettiest kitty in the whole world?”

Nico and Will promptly roared with laughter.  Jellybean wasn’t the most chatty parrot (he tried to mimic Naomi singing sometimes, but he wasn’t very good at it), so it surprised them when Jellybean was able to repeat the whole sentence.  Nico then decided to teach Jellybean to say “I am a pretty bird,” which was funny at first, but it got old after they listened to the parrot call himself a pretty bird for the fifth hour straight.

Before they left, the three of them made plans for Naomi to visit San Francisco that Thanksgiving.  Naomi kissed them goodbye on both cheeks and shared a whispered conversation with Nico that Will pretended not to witness, then she gave Will an extra hug and made them promise to take care of each other.

One night back in New Rome, after a particularly brutal night of Portal 2 during which Nico kept getting upset with Will for not keeping up with him (Will wasn’t bad at it – Nico was just ridiculously good), Will took Nico out as a peace offering.  He ushered Nico to his truck, then they drove away from New Rome, towards the Berkeley Hills, until they were far enough that they couldn’t see anything but the stars and each other.

“What are we doing?” Nico asked when Will pulled off the road.

“Something really cheesy and romantic,” Will answered.  “You’ll hate it.”

Nico cursed.  “Are we star-gazing?”

“We tried your version of date night and it ended with you throwing a pillow at my head and accidentally breaking a lamp,” Will said as he reached behind his seat for the blanket he had stashed there.  “It was a co-op campaign and you were _still_ ridiculously competitive.”

“It’s not my fault you suck at video games.”

“I do not ‘suck at video games.’  I have average video gaming skills.  You, sir, are a freak of nature.”  Will patted his cheek reassuringly.  “I think it’s hot, though.  Now come on.”

Nico sighed and climbed out of the truck after Will, then followed him to the bed of the truck.  Will climbed in and laid out the blanket before helping Nico up, too.  “This is stupid,” Nico grumbled.

“You like it,” Will said.  He sat on the blanket and patted the space next to him.  Nico rolled his eyes and gave in, but Will could see the smile on his face.  He urged Nico to lie down with him, then cuddled into his side with his head on Nico’s shoulder.  “See?  Not so bad.”

“Mm,” Nico grunted, running his fingers through Will’s hair.

“You know what would make it better?”

“WiFi?” Nico suggested.

“No – well, okay, WiFi is nice, but that’s not what I meant.  I meant that you should kiss me.”

“That does sound good,” Nico agreed.  He shifted and pressed his lips to Will’s, then rested their foreheads together.  “I love you,” he whispered.

“Me, too; I love you so much.”  Will stole another few kisses from Nico’s lips before lying back to look at the night sky.

“It is nice out here, I have to admit,” Nico said a moment later, still teasing Will’s hair with his fingers.  “You sure know how to spoil a guy.”

“Yeah, well, sorry about the lack of WiFi.”

“It’s okay,” Nico said, pulling his phone from his pocket.  “Leo’s 4G LTE coverage is _amazing.”_

Will laughed.  “Nico, put that away.”

Nico batted Will’s hand away when he reached for the phone.  “Stop that, I’m just putting on some music.  I thought you’d appreciate that.”

“Oh, so you _are_ a romantic,” Will said as Nico put on a playlist that Will had made for him.

“I can be fun and spontaneous on occasion, yes.”  Nico set his phone above their heads before getting up to straddle Will’s hips.  “Now, where were we?” he asked with a mischievous grin, moving his face close to Will’s.

“I believe we were approaching the part where we make out,” Will answered, his arms snaking around Nico’s neck.

Nico cupped Will’s jaw and kissed him again, and that time it wasn’t as chaste.  He kissed Will so deeply that Will felt dizzy and so passionately that he felt like he was flying.

“Nico?” Will murmured against his lips.

“Mm?” Nico mumbled as he kissed down Will’s neck.

“I don’t think I ever really stopped loving you.  Maybe it took me a little while to fall _in_ love, but even when you were gone, you were there in my heart every step of the way.”  No, Will didn’t know if he’d imagined the way he’d felt Nico’s presence when he lit a candle to talk to him, but he hadn’t made up the comfort he’d gained from it.  Whether real or imagined, Nico had been with him.

Nico ran his lips over Will’s collarbone as he slipped a hand under his shirt to touch Will’s belly.  “For me, it was almost like no time had passed at all, but all of you had jumped ahead without me,” he said, his breath tickling Will’s neck.  “I still loved you; I never got the chance to stop.  But as I got to know this different, grown up version of my Will, I fell in love with him, too.”

Will sighed and closed his eyes as Nico’s hands moved under his shirt.  Yes, sex could still be hard for him, but that night – with his lover’s lips on his skin, the beauty of the stars surrounding them, and Nico’s tender whispers of love – Will easily gave up his body and let Nico make him feel weightless.

*   *   *

They moved towards the end of summer.  Several of their friends went with them to help until it became clear that it would probably be easier if just Will and Nico handled it; no one seemed to have any idea where things should go and the apartment was so small that it became hard for everyone to navigate around all of the boxes.  They went out with Cecil and Ellis not long after arriving, who took them out to eat and gave them the lay of the land.

Will was still figuring out how to deal with his newly sexual relationship with Nico.  There were still times that Will had to tell Nico to stop – not terribly often, but it happened.  He and Nico worked together to set up rules, like _Don't touch me here without asking first, Sex only happens in places where I feel comfortable,_ and _Always tell me you love me._  Sometimes, when intimacy became too overwhelming for Will, he and Nico would stop and lie in each other’s arms under the blankets.  Other times, Will had to ask Nico to give him some time to himself.  He loved Nico, but there were occasions when he needed to be alone to recover.

Nico was wonderful.  He would listen to Will’s concerns, agree to Will’s rules, and he always stood by his promises.  He would ask for permission if he wasn’t sure, and while he did sometimes ask Will to explain why something was off-limits, he never pushed if Will didn’t want to talk about it.  Yes, Will still had some trouble with intimacy, and he supposed he always would, but he and Nico didn’t let that become a problem.

Will started medical school after the move and fell into his new routine quickly, though not without difficulty.  Nico found a job at a video game shop to keep himself occupied while he tried to figure out what he wanted to do when he went back to school.  After Will brought up being a food critic, Nico jumped to the idea of being a film critic, book critic, or game critic, and was considering getting a degree in journalism, but he wasn’t sure.  Nico was still trying to figure himself out.  Will knew Nico would with time, just like he had.  It had taken Will a while, but he’d been able to get back on his feet.  He believed that Nico could do it, too, and he told Nico as much whenever he started to doubt himself.

The anniversary of Nico’s death wasn’t any easier on Will that year, even though Nico was there.  It was the first time that Will hadn’t been in New Rome when the date came and it felt wrong that he wasn’t going to visit Nico’s grave.  No, it wasn’t a long drive, but Will had classes and labs that day and he couldn’t spare the hours needed to get to New Rome and back.  He couldn’t ask Nico to shadow-travel, either; Nico hadn’t attempted that yet, nor was he inclined to try.  Nico didn’t seem to want to think about his underworld powers.

Nico noticed that something was off with him.  When he asked about it while Will was washing dishes after dinner, Will couldn’t look at him as he said, “You died today.”

He heard Nico breathe deeply.  “Do you want to talk?”

“I’m not really sure what to say,” Will replied.  “It’s the first time that I haven’t gone to see you.”

“But I’m right here.”

“Your ashes aren’t.”

Will felt Nico’s hand rest on his shoulder blade.  “Leave the dishes for later,” Nico said.  “Will you come sit with me?”

Will nodded slowly and followed Nico to their couch.  Nico had him sit down before he asked, “Would you like a candle?”

Will nodded again.  Nico stepped away for a moment before coming back with a honey-colored candle and some matches, then he set the candle on the coffee table and lit it.

“I know that being here doesn’t erase the fact that I was gone,” he said in a slow voice as he sat beside Will, like he was trying to choose his words carefully.

When Nico put his hand on top of Will’s and linked their fingers together, Will gave his hand a weak squeeze.  “Nico, there will always be a part of me that continues to mourn your death.  I’ll mourn the years that we weren’t together.  I’ll mourn because of where you were.  I’ll mourn the years you missed out on.”

“I understand,” Nico said, and Will knew that he did.  “I’ll mourn with you.”

Will lifted Nico’s hand to his lips and kissed it.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

He stared at the flickering light of the candle until he became tired, and then he rested his head on Nico’s shoulder for his support.  Nico kissed his temple and ran his thumb over Will’s fingers.  He really was wonderful, and Will felt terrible for not feeling comforted by the fact that Nico was there with him.  Yes, he loved Nico, and yes, Nico soothed him, but Will would never stop mourning.  Even Nico’s physical presence couldn’t remove the pain he felt.

He wished it could.  Will hated that he couldn’t move forward with Nico without the memories of his death hindering their relationship.  

Suddenly, Nico drew in a shaky breath and began to sing in a quiet voice.  Will knew that tune.  He knew those words.  He would never forget.

It was his lullaby.

 _When lightning strikes and thunder growls_  
_Remember that it’s just for now._  
_Buds will bloom_  
_Grass will dry_  
_And until then I’ll stay close by._  
_I’ll take your hand inside of mine,  
_ _I’ll hold you ‘til the sky is light._

Will’s mother had composed it for him long ago; she sang it over his crib when he was a baby and as she tucked him into bed when he was a boy.  She sang it when Will felt lost and broken and afraid.  

 _I know it’s cold, I know it’s loud,_  
_I know you fear the dark storm cloud,_  
_But lightning fades_  
_Clouds roll away_  
_The sun will keep the storm at bay._  
_The storm’s no cause to be afraid;  
_ _It’s sounds of angels on parade._

Then, when Nico felt lost and broken and afraid, Will would sing it for Nico, just as his mother had for him.  Nico was the only person Will had ever shared his lullaby with.

Now, Nico was returning it to him.

And Nico was his angel.

*   *   *

In December, Nico and Will travelled to New Rome for the holidays.  They had both set up appointments with Dr. Guerra during their trip and had arranged to stay with Hazel and Frank.  Annabeth and Percy had moved to New Rome to start their family, so Nico and Will spent plenty of time with the new baby.  The Jackson-Chase residence was the site of that year’s holiday party and Jojo Jackson-Chase was the star of the show (although when Will had hugged Hazel upon their arrival, he’d gotten the feeling that there would be a new baby stealing the spotlight fairly soon).

Once, when Will and Jason were on baby-duty in the Jackson-Chase nursery, Jason told him that he and Piper had decided to wait a little longer before starting a family.

“Our lifestyle right now just isn’t the best atmosphere for raising a child,” Jason explained while Will was sitting in the rocking chair holding Jojo.  “We travel so much and we aren’t always together.  Piper and I are adults and we can handle it, but we don’t want to put a family through that.”

“Yeah, Nico and I probably won’t start anything until after I get my degree,” Will said as he patted Jojo’s back to help her burp.  “If we decide to have kids, that is.  It’s still too early to say.”  Will paused, thinking back to the uncomfortable incident when Nico forced Jason out of their apartment on his first rebirthday to get alone time with Will. “Hey, uh, sorry about kicking you out back in October,” he said stiffly.

Jason cleared his throat nervously.  “No, I’m sorry for intruding,” he said.

“Yeah...the whole situation was awkward.  Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

“Good deal,” Jason agreed.  “But, um...look, Will, if this is weird, just tell me to shut up.  But I was kinda...relieved?  That you two are okay in...that department.  I guess I was worried that with everything that happened and all the shit I gave you that you might...you know....”

“Oh,” Will said.  “Oh, yeah, we’re...we’re just fine.  With that.  All good.  Nothing to worry about.”

“Right,” Jason said awkwardly.  “Good.  Great.”

“Yup.”

“So...we were forgetting about it?”

“This never happened.”

“Cool.”

That wasn’t the only time that someone expressed concern about them (although it was the most uncomfortable).  Will and Nico were constantly being bombarded with questions about their life in San Francisco, about Nico’s job and Will’s school, and about Nico’s constantly evolving plans for the future, but Will got the feeling that what they wanted to know most was how their relationship was going.  “You guys always were protective of Nico,” Will commented offhandedly to Reyna one day after he’d pointed that out.

Reyna gave him an odd look.  “You think this is just about Nico?” she asked.  “Will, we love Nico, and we’d drop everything to help him out if he needed us, but didn’t you ever stop to think that we felt the same way about you?”

When Will did nothing but look at her in confusion, Reyna gave him a one-armed hug.  “You still haven’t realized just how much we love you, have you?”

Will took a moment to work through his surprise and swallow down the immediate urge to disregard what Reyna had said as mere politeness.  Then he looked at Reyna, smiled, and said, “I guess I still need to be reminded every now and then.  Thanks, Reyna.  I love you guys, too.”

 

Before they returned to San Francisco, Will went to visit the cemetery.  He accepted Nico’s offer to walk there with him, but when Nico asked if Will wanted company inside the tomb, Will said, “Not this time.  If you don’t mind, I’d like to do this on my own.”

“I understand,” Nico said.  “I’ll wait outside for you.”

“Thank you,” Will said, leaning in to peck Nico’s cheek.  “I’ll be back in a minute.”  

He went into the mausoleum and approached Nico’s urn alone.

“You know, I’m not really sure what to say,” Will started.  “Still, I feel like this is something I need to do.  Maybe it’s stupid – I mean, you’re standing right outside – but for me, a part of you – a part of _us –_ will always be here.  But I’m happy, Nico, and I’m ready to move on.”

For years, visiting Nico’s grave had made him feel better.  Talking to Nico’s ashes had given him hope and comfort.  He didn’t know if he’d imagined Nico’s spirit consoling his distress or if Nico really had been there, but in the end, he wasn’t sure that it mattered.  He chose to believe that Nico _had_ been there to help him through his pain, and the urn that held the ashes of his lover’s former body would always be important to him.  The relief he’d received when he went to the mausoleum to mourn was real and that was enough for him.  Mourning the Nico of his past had paved the way for his relationship with the Nico of his future.

He would continue to visit Nico’s grave and light Nico’s candles because he had still lost the love of his life, for a time.  The memories would always hurt.  But now whenever Will looked into the flickering flame of a candle and spoke to Nico, Nico would talk back.

Will left a lock of hair with the urn.  Then he walked back outside the tomb, where Nico di Angelo was waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This hasn’t been easy to write, but I feel like it gave me an opportunity to mature as a writer and I learned a lot about healing in the process. I hope that I’ve managed to touch some of you with this story, too – please let me know if it did! I’m grateful for everyone who stuck through Ashes with me. Really, guys – I don't know how to tell you how much it means to me.


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